Peanut Butter is My Life Force

I eat an abnormally large amount of peanut butter for a grown woman. Seriously, I eat an average of three and a half PB&J's a week (I share with my dogs). Is it healthy? Sorta. Better than nachos every day. Do I have issues coming up with creative lunches? Obviously. But I eat lunch at work and hate drive-thru's. My peanut butter consumption tends to skyrocket to epic, dare I say, nutty proportions during Lent. It's my go-to Friday protein. I had peanut butter on graham crackers for dinner last Friday (in my defense, my husband was gone, and I clearly need adult supervision). I divulge all this not because I think I have a problem (I know I do) but because I was hit with a massive craving for a peanut butter and chocolate dessert last weekend. And when you eat several gallons of Jif in a week, a craving like that is both insane and insatiable. I've been seeing far too many Reese's chocolate egg commercials and Tasty videos using them lately, and apparently I'm susceptible to advertisements. Who knew? ...I ask as I sit wearing Adidas track pants, a new Fitbit adorning my wrist, drinking Coke Zero, eating only the finest of name-brand cheesy crackers (Cheezits, clearly, because Cheese Nips are for plebeians). I needed to make a dessert that was dripping with peanut butter and drenched in chocolate yet also kind on the hips. While most would say this is an impossible feat, I saw it as a challenge. And as literally the most competitive person on the planet (I dare you to say otherwise), I knew I had to come up with the perfect treat. And like any Type-A person, I did, and then I even rubbed my own face in it. Told you..so competitive I even mock myself. Good thing I had these peanut butter cheesecake bars with chocolate crunch crust to soothe my self-inflicted jeering.

Shut myself right up, I did.

I know in no way does it seem remotely possible by looking at them, but at 158 calories a bar, these are completely guilt free. I even used incredibly limited amounts of sugar because now I'm watching my sugar intake since apparently I was enjoying life too much so I had to find some other habit to cut back on. Catholic guilt is real, y'all. Just ask all those poor fish I've been consuming the past five Fridays. I wasn't sure how cutting back on the sugar was going to impact the cheesecake layer, but thankfully it turned out okay. And by okay, I mean these are literally the best dessert bars I've ever eaten in my entire life. I love Nestle Crunch bars. I feel like they're extremely underrated. So if you're like me, the chocolate crunch crust is going to make your taste buds quite happy. And if you also inhale peanut butter at a rate some people might find "mildly startling," you're going to be pleased with the cheesecake layer, too. Oh, and these are no-bake and can be thrown together in ten minutes. Did I mention I'm the laziest Type-A person ever? Because I am.

What? You don't buy your peanut butter by the pound?

I'm fairly certain that Rice Krispies hasn't changed their cereal box since the year I was born. I'm as classic as a box of Kellogg's, baby. These bars are quick to make and require only a short list of ingredients. If you buy Jif in ten-pound jars and always have Cool Whip handy for those moments when a spoonful of sweetness means the difference between utter meltdown and total sanity, you're already there (and my kind of person). To make, gather up:

• 1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 TBS skim milk
• 3 TBS honey
• 1 cup of creamy Jif, divided
• 3 cups Rice Krispies
• 1 8-ounce tub of fat free cream cheese spread at room temp
• 1 8-ounce tub of Cool Whip Free
• 2 TBS sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract

Start by lining a 9x13 pan with Parchment paper and lightly misting with cooking spray. Honey and peanut butter are about sticky as a standard four year old, so don't skimp on the cooking spray or these bars will be glued to the paper. Then prepare yourself for a crappy photo montage!

So many spoons were used in the making of this dessert.

In a bowl, dump the chocolate chips and milk and heat in 30 second bursts at 50% power in the microwave. Stir each time to avoid scorching. Burnt chocolate is my mortal enemy. Once completely melted and no chunks remain, add in the 3 TBS of honey and 1/4 cup of Jif. Blend well!

This is the only way I'm eating Rice Kripsies ever again.

 Dump 3 cups of Rice Krispies in a large bowl, and then pour the chocolate mix on top. You'll get a nice bicep workout blending this thoroughly.

Worth it.

 Turn into the prepared pan. I highly advise also spraying your hands with cooking spray at this point to keep the crust from sticking to you. Not that that's a bad thing considering you then get to eat it off of your hands, but you want the majority of the crust to end up in the 9x13 pan:

Like so.

 You will need to press and smooth out the crust to evenly distribute it across the pan. Hold off on eating the crumbs off your finger until you're done with this part.

Hmmpphhhyum. No English words accurately describe this photo.

Set aside and avoid the temptation to just eat all the crust. To make the filling, mix together 1/2 a cup of Jif and the tub of fat free cream cheese in a stand mixer until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Scrape the sides of the bowl and then add the 2 TBS sugar, 1 tsp vanilla, and tub of Cool Whip Free. Blend until well incorporated.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese(cake).

 Take this delicious blob of peanut butter wonder and dump on top of the crust. I'd like to tell you the crust lust and desire to eat it gets covered up by this cheesecake layer, but that would mean my pants would burst into flame.

And I really like these Adidas track pants.

 Smooth out the cheesecake layer, and then take the final 1/4 cup of Jif and melt it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Literally the only way peanut butter tastes any better is when its melted (see apple nachos).

I'm the Jackson Pollock of peanut butter paintings.

 By the spoonful, plop the melted peanut butter randomly on top of the cheesecake layer.

And also the Salvador Dali, apparently.

 Take a butter knife and slowly drag in back and forth lines to create pretty swirls with the peanut butter in the cheesecake. To avoid diving mouth first into the pan, cover and place into the freezer. Let these set overnight if possible. If you're in an extreme PB&C emergency, check to see if they're set around the 5 hour mark. Waiting, always the hardest part.

And yet always so, so worth it in the peanut buttery end.

 Once these are set, you can either lift the whole slab out by the Parchment paper or cut in the pan. I divvied these up into 20 squares to equate to 158 calories a square.

And clearly, size was not skimpy.

 Only way to make these even better? A drizzle of sugar free chocolate sauce and half a square of insanely rich Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt affixed to the middle. I happened to have these Lindt chocolates on hand because my husband loves me and even though I begged for a Fitbit for our anniversary on the 7th, he still felt it was weird to give his wife a fitness tracker for an anniversary. So to remind me I asked for the Fitbit and he thinks I am in no way out of shape, said chocolate bar was found along with my present. Smart man. I've been eating the bar one square at a time, but when I wanted a square AND a peanut butter cheesecake bar for dessert (dream big), I checked with my Fitbit to make sure such luxuries were affordable, and they so were. I realize one day when Google Skynet takes over, I'll be the first in line to welcome our new robot overlords because they make my life easier and less guilt-ridden. And I won't have to share my dessert with them which is great because an entire pan of these bars simply isn't enough. They're so good I'd like to be buried with the recipe and embalmed with peanut butter. Although, if I keep eating the stuff at this rate, I'll do that on my own. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I'm probably 40 percent peanut butter at this point anyway.

Lemon and Blueberry Bliss

Nothing says "Springtime!" quite like constant tornado watches and getting hit in the face with ten pounds of pollen every time you leave your house. I will say that I was pleasantly surprised what with this being our inaugural spring in Florida that it bears a remarkable resemblance to springtime in West Texas. I've yet to see how locals react to a tornado warning though. If I walk outside to find several neighbors also looking for said tornado instead of seeking shelter, I'll really feel like I'm home! What? We don't have basements in Texas...if a tornado is going to take us out, we at least want to witness the awe of its indestructible force in action. Sheltering in place is for the timid! We can huddle in the closet for safety later. And when we do, I've found the perfect cake to encompass the feeling of spring exuberance, but with minimal guilt for those of us that also realize the month of April is on the precipice of swimsuit season. Behold--the skinny lemon blueberry poke cake!

You can also witness the awe of my sheer force of will to eat dessert and stay thin.

 Say goodbye to simple lemon poke cakes--layer them all with blueberries! I took a more is more approach with this cake; what can I say, I relish the opportunity to outdo myself culinarily. At only 204 calories per 12 slices, I've also outdone myself in the flavor to calorie ratio. I'd let you congratulate me, but clearly I'm still too busy patting myself on the back for coming up with this idea. I did, however, fail epically at remembering to take photos while making parts of this cake. I was trying to clean the house, do laundry, make dinner, and prepare for my in-laws to visit all in one evening. Even I have my moments. I will say it was totally worth all the effort and slight delirium. Not only did my husband's parents get treated like they were in the finest of cozy hotels, they even got cake. When was the last time Hilton did that for anyone? Exactly.

Yes, there are people in this world that drink Fresca.

To make the low cal cake, grab a box of vanilla or white cake, two egg whites, and 10 ounces of diet lemon-lime soda; I used Fresca because I'm 87 years old and enjoy drinking Fresca, but Diet Sprite would work just fine as well. Mix all three ingredients together for 2 minutes, preheat your oven to 350, and grease a 9x13 cake pan. Pour your batter into the prepared pan and bake for about 23-25 minutes (remember, cakes baked with soda cook faster than the times on the box).

After the cake has cooled about 20-30 minutes, take the end of a wooden spatula and poke holes in your cake.

This part always hurts me a little...I hate ruining a smooth cake, but in the end, all that delicious lemony blueberry goodness has to go somewhere!

 At this point, you can make both the lemon and blueberry fillings. Totally remembered to take photos of the lemon filling ingredients, but I did not remember to take photos of the blueberry sauce ingredients, so bear with my failure...you're actually going to have to read and not just look to figure it out. I apologize for causing your brain any undue trauma. 

I always feel like it should say "Real" Lemon.

To make the lemon filling, you're gonna need to do some Googling. Sugar free lemon Jello is surprisingly not stocked at every grocery store in the land. The Jello website can tell you where to find it though. Trust in Publix--they saved me all the calories by having this in stock. Publix is probably my favorite thing in Florida. It's like the Floridian equivalent to an H-E-B. Granted, no grocery store (except maybe Meijer's, bless you, Michigan) could ever come close to rivaling the greatness that is H-E-B, but Publix doesn't make me feel sad inside like Walmart, so it's got that going for it. I digress. To make the lemon filling you need:

• 1 package of sugar free lemon Jello
• 1 package of sugar free instant vanilla pudding
• 2 1/3 cup water
• 1/3 cup lemon juice

To make, mix all ingredients together in a medium sauce pan. Cook while continually stirring until the mix comes to a boil. Continue to stir and cook for an additional minute before removing from heat. Allow about ten minutes to cool and thicken up. This is a thinner consistency, but you also need to have room for the blueberry portion of the poke cake, so this works well for that.

And you get to lick the whisk with no calorie guilt!

 Once cooled off a bit, slowly and carefully pour the mix into all the holes you poked in your cake earlier.

Inset Homer Simpson drooling noises here.

 So messy, yet so perfect. Place into the freezer while you make your blueberry mix. For this, feel slight annoyance there's no photo and gather:

• 1 1/2-2 cups of blueberries (I used 1 1/2 cups or 12 ounces, and it was plenty)
• 3 tbs sugar
• 1 tbs water
• 1 tbs flour

Dump all ingredients into a small or medium saucepan and stir well. Bring to a boil and continue to occasionally stir and cook the sauce for 20 minutes. Things will be mushy and delightful. Allow the mix to cool for 10 minutes, and then grab your cake out of the freezer.

Even the colors complement each other. As a Vikings fan, purple and yellow just feel right together.

 Carefully pour the blueberry mix a little at a time on top of the pudding layer. Use a spatula to help you spread it out evenly. Some of it will spread into the poked holes while the rest creates a thin layer on top of the cake. Either way, it's going to amount to a perfect forkful with each bite. Now, place into the freezer for at least two hours to set.

I've become addicted to Cool Whip Free.

 I used to HATE Cool Whip. It was a poor substitution for real frosting in my greedy, sweet-toothed opinion. As I've adjusted my eating habits, I find Cool Whip honestly adds the right amount of sweetness to certain desserts. With all the fruit in this cake, a standard buttercream would simply be way too much sugar. Once your cake has set, top it off with about 8 ounces of Cool Whip Free. I can only ever find these in the large tubs, so I had plenty leftover for future late night snacking.

Also, I can get Cool Whip to make these wicked awesome peaks. So it's got that going for it, too.

I just used a spoon and the swirl and lift method to make my peaks. Then I placed my glorious creation into the fridge to allow the cake to set overnight, and, mostly, so that I wouldn't eat it before my in-laws arrived. People like you more when you don't eat cake without them. 

Worth the wait.

 So this cake has a lot of filling and getting slices onto the plate without a mess simply wasn't possible. But I really didn't care because look at it. It's beautiful. Full of bright lemony goodness and deep blueberry amazingness.

It's even more drool-worthy up close.

 This was a big winner. It's a light and fluffy cake, but the addition of both the tart lemon and sweet blueberry fillings were a perfect balance in decadence and flavor. The airy addition of Cool Whip was, literally, the icing on the cake. I love an accurate metaphor! We just finished the last two slices with lunch today, and I already can't wait to make this again. It has so many elements to it that you don't even realize you're eating a cake with minimal calories. I already have designs on a lemon raspberry or a strawberry lemon skinny cake for the summer. But this lemon and blueberry bliss is a perfect springtime cake. Great for those moments when the pollen count is too high and the tornado watches are driving you inside. Grab a slice of this, and it feels like you can actually be at peace with the season that tries its damnedest to kill you. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I miss you already, cake.

No Grasshoppers Were Harmed in the Making of This Pie

The week of Saint Patrick's Day is nearly upon us. And while you're foggily scratching your head today and wondering to yourself, "Did my phone clock really update last night, or am I completely unaware of the actual time?" thanks to Daylight Savings Time, don't forget later that along with copious amounts of green beer go copious amounts of green desserts. Luckily, I've constructed a dessert that takes only ten minutes of your time, and it is so easy to throw together I have full confidence you could do so after your fifth Guinness with little to no issues. I've basically drunk-proofed this recipe in a sense that you can't really screw it up and no heavy machinery is required. It does, however, contain a massive amount of booze within it, so just remind yourself that drinking straight creme de menthe is like downing a shot of mint Scope. It doesn't sound like a bad idea in theory because everyone likes minty fresh breath, but remember--straight alcohol, much like mouthwash, tends to burn just a smidgen. I'm not sure I've ever had to preface a blog with a warning before, but there's a first time for everything. Like for instance, I've never tried a grasshopper cocktail, and now that I've figured out how to turn it into a pie, I probably don't need to. Chock-full of chocolate, Andes mints, and creme de menthe, I fail to see how the beverage could come anywhere as close to satisfying my taste buds as this low cal, boozy grasshopper pie can. To put it bluntly, this pie...sham-rocks. I'm sorry. I even hate myself a little for that pun, but you'll forgive me when you make this pie yourself and see how accurate that terrible pun really is.

Another brief warning...this pie will get you drunk.

Fun fact! I quit drinking for Lent last year, and I was amazed by how much better I felt and looked after only 40 days. I won't bore you with a soapbox speech, but I only allow one glass of wine a week in my diet now. For whatever reason, I never feel bad about baking with booze because it usually does such a nice job of enhancing the flavoring of the rest of the ingredients. If you don't believe me, try making a chocolate cake with Guinness instead of milk and get back to me. But since I no longer drink on a regular basis, I have the alcohol tolerance of a very small house cat. I didn't think I put that much creme de menthe in the pie, but a few minutes after I ate it, I was feeling rather euphoric. So it's either just that good of a mint chocolate pie, or it's just that boozy that I would not recommend letting your small house cat near it. And even though creme de menthe is absolutely terrible for you, I made a ton of other calorie cuts so that one slice of this pie will only run you 264 calories. That's right, you can have pie, Guinness, and your fish and chips this Friday. A Saint Patrick's Day miracle! Well, considering this holiday began as a religious feast, most of us Catholics would just call this a typical Lenten Friday, but instead of surviving off grilled cheese or tuna, we go big with fried cod. Save the Filet 'o Fish for a week when the sight of peanut butter and jelly makes you break down in tears.

It really is easy as pie.

I know..premade crust is not typically my thing. But low fat chocolate Graham Crackers are, to my knowledge, not a thing, so there was practically no difference between a homemade crust and an Oreo crust in the calorie arena. Plus, I told you this could be done in under ten minutes, and that isn't possible with homemade crusts. Just try your best when taking photos of your pie to keep the aluminum edges of the pie tin hidden, and no one has to know! To make your very own drunken grasshopper pie, gather:

• 1 Oreo pie crust
• 1 package of sugar-free vanilla instant pudding
• 1 cup of skim milk
• 1/2 cup of creme de menthe
• 1/4 tsp pure mint extract
• 2 cups of Cool Whip Free, divided
• 15 Andes mints, smashed into pieces
• Optional: 2-3 drops green food coloring, additional Andes mints for topping

I've spent more effort into putting on shoes than it did to make this pie.

 Start by mixing the booze, milk, and pudding into a large bowl for 2 minutes with a whisk. Your biceps will appreciate the small workout. Then, add 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip, the crushed Andes mints, and 2-3 drops green food coloring. Mix together, and then see if the pie is minty enough for you. I wanted to be smacked in the mouth with wintergreen freshness, so I added an additional 1/4 tsp of pure mint extract. Much like time spent around other people's children, a little goes a long way, so increase the amount of extract you want in small increments until it meets your taste preferences.

And come up with a list of possibilities on how to kill a bottle of creme de menthe. I think boozy Shamrock Shakes are in our future.

Once mixed and minty enough, dump your pie filling into the Oreo crust and smooth out. Place into the freezer for at least two hours to set. I left mine in the freezer overnight, and it sliced through perfectly:

Like buttah.

Once your pie is cut, serve your slices and let them thaw out for about 20-30 minutes. Garnish with the remaining Cool Whip Free (I used a 1M tip and simple swirl technique), and if you're feeling fancy, stick another Andes mint on top. If you're feeling super extra fancy, drizzle some low cal chocolate sauce on top.

I mean, it does make for great presentation.

I loved this pie cold, like my heart or a pint of Killian's Irish Red, and it certainly didn't disappoint in the taste department. The Andes mints were a great way to add both texture and additional mint flavor that most grasshopper pie recipes are missing. By nixing the traditional marshmallow creme for pudding mix and skim milk, you can add in the creme de menthe with minimal guilt concerning your waistline. It's basically the perfect pie, and your Saint Patrick's Day festivities would be woefully incomplete without a slice! I recommend leaving in the freezer until it's time to serve it, but if you like a softer consistency of pie, leaving it in the fridge would be fine. Just don't leave it out on the counter (especially near small house cats, for obvious aforementioned reasons) so it won't turn into a mushy puddle of minty booze pudding...although honestly, that still sounds delicious, and I'm pretty sure that's not just the pie's creme de menthe talking. But enjoy the joyous festivities this week, wear green so strangers don't try to pinch you (why this is an acceptable thing I do not know), and embrace the camaraderie Saint Patrick's Day always brings out in people. 'Til next time my fellow eaters, and slainte!

I'm sure this pie would go great with some Jameson, if you're into that sort of thing.

Trial and (Baking) Error

Although I do a good job of covering it, I am actually human, and I do sometimes, on very small, tiny, few and far between occasions, make mistakes. For some reason, when I make mistakes while baking, it literally upsets me more than anything else...except for maybe when I make a typo in an email or text message. I will find the nearest rock and crawl under it when that happens. But I feel like my creativity and my very own favorite hobby in the world betray me when I commit a baking fail. Thankfully, even when things go wrong, they still end up being edible so I can drown those weird emotion things back to a more neutral, sarcastic state where they belong. I must preface this blog with the aforementioned information so that I can, 1. Show you my triumph over adversity (I live a sheltered life), and 2. Show you that even a baking fail can be turned into a baking win with the right level of creativity. This blog is a giant "learn from my mistakes," post, so prepare yourself for plenty of self-deprecating wit and chances for you to sit back and feel better about yourself at my expense..but just remember, at the end of this post when you're feeling all high and mighty, I'm the one with all the cake.

And fail or no fail, it looks and tastes like a winner.

I am not Irish. My husband is, and he's also the one with all the luck, so maybe I should have had him at the ready while I was making this clover surprise cake. You may be wondering, "It's clearly a cake. Looks fine. Where's the fail so I can laugh at your misfortune?" Don't worry, we're getting there. I love Saint Patrick's Day. It affords me the opportunity to bake mint chocolate everything, and don't even get me started on Shamrock Shakes. I die. I actually didn't add mint to this cake, but I thought long and hard about it and opted not to because I'm a crazy person (clearly there was no other reason). This is actually a chocolate cake with white cake shamrock center and light cream cheese frosting dyed a color best described as "green highlighter." And while this cake almost didn't come to full fruition, I did manage to make it low calorie. With cake and frosting combined, 12 servings amounts to 250 calories a slice. Still under 300 calories with real frosting...a feat in modern baking! Remember that later while I regale you with how it all went wrong.

Duncan Hines...how dare you.

So it all began when I bought the wrong brand of cake mixes. I am through and through a Betty Crocker baker, but in my mad sprint through the grocery store, I nabbed Duncan Hines mixes because I swear they didn't use to also be in red boxes. For whatever reason, these mixes have a higher calorie content even when just using the dry mix. So kudos to you if you buy Betty's box cake, and knock an extra ten calories off each serving. But as far as ingredients go, you need:

• 1 box white cake mix
• 2 egg whites
• 10 ounces of diet creme soda or diet Sprite/7up
• 1 box chocolate cake mix
• 2 egg whites
• 10 ounces diet root beer or Diet Coke
• Green gel dye
• 1 10x6 loaf pan and other-sized pan for white cake (more on this in the fail section later)
• Shamrock cookie cutter (...for reasons to be explained shortly, check the sizing to make sure it's not taller than your loaf pan. Figured out where I'm going with this yet?)

Start by baking the white cake mix. Preheat your oven to 350 and blend the white cake mix, egg whites, and creme soda for 2 minutes. Add a large heaping amount of green gel dye to this mix and blend. Now let me tell you about the type of pan you SHOULD use and not the one I used.

Oh look, a brand new, unassuming loaf pan. I also did not heed my spatula's mantra.

 This 10x6 pan was not the right size loaf pan for my green cake. When my cake baked, it was shorter than my shamrock cookie cutter. Since every Pinterest tutorial ever told me, "Oh, just cut your cake into loaves, and place your cookie cutter into each loaf to cut out the shape," Kate Panic Stage One (also known as the "I've made a huge mistake" stage) began immediately upon noting the first loaf I cut only came halfway up the height of my cookie cutter. To prevent your very own personal panic stages from commencing, use a pan that's going to give you more surface area to cut into, like a 9x13 pan, a jelly roll pan, or maybe even a 9x5 loaf pan that would bake up higher. Grease your pan of choice and dump your batter in. Bake for the required amount of time the box states, give or take 5 minutes. When I bake with soda, my cakes always seem to finish up 3-5 minutes before they would with the standard butter and milk.

I was still so full of hope at this point.

Even here, when I was delighted by how easily my new loaf pan released such a heavy cake. I was so happy I was considering writing a review for it on Amazon. That unbridled enthusiasm has since waned.

 Let your cake cool in its pan for 10 minutes, then remove to a cooling rack. I highly recommend placing the cake in the freezer for an hour. The firmer the cake, the easier time you'll have not necessarily for the cookie cutting, but for removing the cake pieces from said cookie cutter without them breaking. When your cake is fully cooled and partially frozen (also the working title for my autobiography), take your shamrock cookie cutter and cut out enough shamrocks to line up end to end in your 10x6 loaf pan with a little room on each end of the pan for the chocolate cake batter to cover them up.

Not pictured: Kate Panic Stages 2-4, more commonly referred to as the "cursing, crying, and bargaining" stages.

I was only able to yield 3 very fat clovers from my green loaf cake. I ended up having to stamp my cookie cutter down in the actual middle of the cake instead of cutting into loaves since my cake, much like its baker, was vertically challenged. My Wilton shamrock cookie cutter (obtained from Amazon) was only 3 1/2 inches high, and I mistakenly thought it was going to end up being too short. Oh to go back to that wonderful ignorance. After I yielded my three fat clovers, I placed them on a Parchment-lined baking tray and put them in the freezer overnight. Kate Panic Stage 5 then came to pass. This stage of panic is known as the "acceptance and eating of all the cake remnants" stage because nothing says "I've got this" quite like a grown woman eating cake scraps at 10:00 p.m on a Saturday night.

At this point, I was more or less trying to finish this cake in spite of my new loaf pan.

 I recommend letting your clovers freeze completely to avoid over baking, so if you can't leave them in the freezer overnight, at least let them freeze for a few hours. Once frozen, ensure your oven is set to 350 and begin making your chocolate cake. Mix together the soda, cake mix, and egg whites for 2 minutes. Pour about 1/2-3/4 of a cup of batter on the bottom of your very well greased 10x6 loaf pan. Save the look of scorn and betrayal as you know eventually you're gonna make one hell of a banana bread in this pan no matter what it does to this cake.

At least two pieces of this cake will not include a shamrock surprise. So I guess the surprise is that there isn't a surprise in those slices. Irony.

 Now, place each shamrock into the cake batter layer. This will help you stabilize and space them evenly, so you won't have two massive gaps in the middle of your cake like I did. Learn from my inability to think ahead and measure properly. In my defense, I never leave my small measuring tape in the same place. Either way I shake it out, I suppose this was my fault and not the fault of the pan or the cookie cutter or Amazon for somehow not reading my mind and letting me know my Pinteresty baking plans needed work and recommending a smaller cutter or something. It's 2017, and I think I no longer have the ability to live my best life without Amazon recommending me the right products for my existence.

I don't have a panic stage past level 5, but if I did, I'd call it the "heavy sighing and reluctance" stage.

Once you've lined up your shamrocks, gently deposit the rest of the batter on top of the shamrocks and around the sides of the pan. Things definitely won't look even or pretty, but the main goal here is to completely cover the shamrocks with chocolate cake batter so that you can't see any green poking out anywhere. Now, bake for about 50 minutes or until a toothpick comes out mostly clean from the chocolate portion of the cake.

You can run, but you can't hide, clovers.

 So it's gonna be pretty obvious where your clovers are inside of your cake thanks to the indentations, but this is what frosting is for. And at this point, I was just surprised when I opened the oven and the cake didn't sink in entirely because that would've been par the course. Let your cake cool in the pan for 10 minutes, then remove to a cooling rack and place in the freezer for 30-60 minutes until fully cooled.

Hindsight: the mint extract would've been good.

 I found a Weight Watchers cream cheese recipe, and I'm at the point in this blog where I'm not even ashamed to admit they've got some really great ideas for low calorie baking. Nothing like a baking fail or twenty to humble me. To make this frosting, you need:

• 1 brick of Philadelphia reduced fat cream cheese at room temp
• 1 heaping cup of powdered sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• Green gel dye
• Decorative toppings: Gold sprinkles, gold stars, white and green sprinkles, etc.
• Optional: 1/4 tsp mint extract. Still kicking myself for not adding this in. It would've made things even more festive for the season.

Mix together the cream cheese, sugar, extract, and gel dye for a minute until smooth. This is not a thicker consistency frosting, so I don't recommend piping with it. It will make enough to cover the entire cake, but I chose just to cover the top since the rich chocolate color on the sides of the cake was too pretty to cover. 

Also, you don't have to make your frosting greener than a John Deere tractor.

I just slathered all my frosting and distributed it evenly on top.

Then I used a spoon to make circular swirls in the frosting before, of course, topping with gold stars. Gotta make those leprechauns jealous, you know.

My husband said he liked the swirly, messy look of the frosting because it was an appropriate decorating technique for a drunken Irish holiday where the more Guinness made available, the less able anyone would be to frost a cake smoothly. I felt like I was taking the lazy way out since this cake had crushed my will to live, so that lifted my spirits to the point where I was ready to slice this cake open and see the level of failure I was working with.

In your face, loaf pan, cookie cutter, and Amazon.

 I was pleasantly surprised when I cut into the cake to see that it looked exactly like it was supposed to when I envisioned it. See, sometimes you just have to have a little faith that you can turn a potential nightmare into an aesthetic dream. My struggles were real(ly silly), but I'm glad I didn't scrap the idea and just make shamrock cookies. Anyone can do that; I'm here for the wow factor, not the meh factor. If going big or going home was an actual sport, I'd never be home, and well, then I wouldn't be able to bake anything because that's where my kitchen is. And after living through Kate Panic Levels One through Five, it was great to sit down and eat a cake with actual frosting and not just Cool Whip. It was my finding the pot of gold over the rainbow moment. For not having a ton of sugar, this was still a delectably rich frosting that went so well with the dark chocolate cake that resulted from the mixing of root beer and cake mix. Things may have been super dicey there for awhile, but Kate Bakes Cakes because Kate knows good flavor combinations. And I promise you this--my next one will be minty, and it will be chocolatey because everyone needs more Saint Patrick's Day dessert ideas for celebratory purposes. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

So now that you've laughed at my strife, I get to go eat cake. She who has the cake gets the last laugh! ;-)