Shark Cake, Ooh Ha Ha!

Did you know you're more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark? Not in a "When Burgers Bite Back" situation, but these are still good facts to know. And if you're somehow unaware, SHARK WEEK STARTS TONIGHT! I am obsessed with sharks, so next to Halloween, this is the absolute best time to be me (or maybe a shark). But sharks definitely get a bad rap; they can't help the permanent resting shark face or the fact that they're the perfect eating machines...parallels I can definitely relate to...but it's important to learn about sharks and respect their habitat since they were there before we were. And definitely before those killer cows, too. I wanted to mako something great to kick off the start of my favorite week of the year, so enter, Shark Cake, Ooh Ha Ha!

You could say its Jawsdropping.

 Look, I've been covered in a severe poison ivy rash for two weeks straight. Is it testing the limits of my sanity? Do I look like a plague-addled nightmare? Yes and yes, but there was no way I was going to shark my baking responsibilities. I figured a day in the kitchen keeping my hands from itching temptation would be just the ticket, and it was. This gorgeous Oreo-flavored chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting is something I've been kicking around in the ole' noggin for a couple years, and I finally wanted to execute my shark-scape. I couldn't be happier with how the ocean depth painting turned out, but let's be reel here, this is definitely a cake worthy of whipping people up into a feeding frenzy. At only 284 calories a slice for 8 slices (or 227 calories for 10 slices), you can pound like 12 burgers, some fries, a license plate or two, and still get this to fit in your macros for the day (might leave out the license plates if you're not an actual shark though).

Watch out for that cow.

The cake and frosting are super simple to make. All you need for the Oreo cake is:

• 1 box of chocolate cake mix (I use Whole Food's gluten free mix)
• 1/4 cup + 2 TBS (64 grams) egg whites or 3 whole eggs
• 1/2 cup (111 grams) unsweetened applesauce
• 3/4 cup fat free or skim milk
• 1 ounce of black cocoa (this is what makes it taste like an Oreo, don't skip it!)

Preheat your oven to 350 and prepare three 6-inch round pans with Parchment and cooking spray. Two 8-inch rounds would also work, but your cook time will vary. Dump all your ingredients in the bowl of a stand mixer and give it a whirl on medium for 1-2 minutes until things have come together. Pour out the batter evenly into each pan and bake for 24 minutes. A toothpick should come out mostly clean.

Don't forget bake even strips if you've got 'em!

Once cooked, remove your pans from the oven and place on top of a cooling rack. Give it 10 minutes before you turn your cakes out of the pan and onto the cooling rack to come to room temp. I speed this process up by shoving the cooling rack into the fridge for 30-45 minutes. While that's cooling, you can make your shark templates. 

Excuse my dungeon lighting...it was storming and this house is like a cave without natural light.

To make my sharks, I used pencil to draw some shark outlines on Parchment paper in varying sizes and types; Great White and Hammerhead to be precise. I didn't think a Goblin shark would translate well...

Hammerheads were difficult enough, but that would've been hilarious.

Once drawn, I grabbed my X-acto knife and carefully cut out the outlines. I have yet to seriously injure myself with my X-acto knife, but those blades are probably as sharp as a shark's tooth, so, give it time because I am a disaster.

I mean, you can definitely tell it's a shark, and I didn't lose a finger to make it happen.

Small, sharky miracles.

Now, you want to keep the full sheets, not the pieces you cut out. These will work as your templates. Once I had my cakes frosted and knew how much overlap I needed, I cut each into smaller squares so I could move them around the cake easily.

That black cocoa came in clutch with this whole cake, TBH.

This is just a basic cream cheese frosting, so feel free to play with different extracts to flavor your frosting. Coconut extract, caramel extract, or even root beer extract would probably taste awesome with the Oreo cake flavor. This makes a lot of frosting (I only used half and froze the rest). You need:

• 8 ounces 1/3 the fat cream cheese at room temp
• 1/2 cup (112 grams) light butter (leave cold)
• 4 cups (a whole bag) of Lakanto powdered monkfruit (or regular powdered sugar)
• 1 TBS (36 grams) vanilla extract
• 1 tsp black cocoa powder
• Gel dyes in black, light blue, blue, and navy
• Absolutely fintastic shark cupcake toppers (Amazon!)
  

Start by whipping the cold butter and cream cheese together until fluffy, 2 minutes. Add in half the powdered sugar and all the vanilla extract. Mix well, then add the rest of the powdered sugar. Hold off on the black cocoa for right now. You'll use this later once the cake is fully covered for the sharks.

But first, you must frost.

Stack, fill, and cover your entire cake in plain white frosting first. Set this in the fridge while you dye your frosting to make the ocean background.

I'm blue, da ba dee da ba daa...

In two bowls, place a heaping amount of plain white frosting. Dye one light blue, and then in the other, mix blue and navy blue gel dyes to achieve a rich, dark blue hue. Now, grab your cake!

Oh look, it's my poison ivy rash in cake form. SPOTS EVERYWHERE.

Itching intensifies. Okay, okay, with a small angled spatula, just plop drops of light blue and dark blue frosting all over the place. There's absolutely no rhyme or reason here, you just want a sort of even balance. Once you've done that, you just need to come back in with an angled spatula or scraper, and gently scrape the sides of the cake until your colors are blending together. I would make a pass around the whole cake, clean off my scraper, and make another pass. I did this 3 times and followed the same suit on top.

The ocean is calling...

But you might want to test the waters first.

I used an angled spatula to make swirls all around the top and top side of the cake to give it a wave texture. Now, chill this cake for 30 minutes in the fridge or 15 in the freezer so your black frosting doesn't bleed into it. To make the black frosting, take your leftover blues, dump them together, add that teaspoon of black cocoa and some black gel dye, and you're ready to get sharky.

Cue the Jaws theme!

To start, I obviously couldn't wait to use the cupcake toppers, so I stuck a circle of them around the edge and one in the middle of the cake. Was I giddy with shark-loving delight while I did so? Yes. I believe I also used my hand as a makeshift shark fin on top of my head and chased my dogs around for a second (there were no casualties). You could also use chocolate melts to make smaller dorsal fins, but I'm itchier than a thousand mosquito bites, so give me a small break (and scratch) for corner-cutting.

Take your stencil, you can see I trimmed the edges down so that I could easily place it on the side of my cake, and very gently press into the surface. I used a paintbrush to push the small edges down into the frosting layer.

This part is truly terrifying. Like, scarier than the idiot mayor from Jaws.

I was afraid I'd miss a spot and the whole stencil was gonna look more like a blob fish than a shark. But, I took a decent amount of black frosting and spread it evenly over my stencil. I used my scraper to make one pass over the whole stencil, then, whilst holding my breath, very gently peeled the stencil off the side of the cake.

Oh you big beautiful fish.

I repeated this process around the cake, making some sharks swim toward one another, others away, on varying heights. Just be careful you're not overlapping too much because pushing the template down in one area could mess up another design.

I've reached peak Shark Week.

This is Bruce. Fish are friends, not food.

But this guy is shifty and will eat literally anyone.

Like my derpy little Hammerheads.

Just dying to sink my teeth into this cake.

I am so happy with how this turned out. It's a little rough in places, but so are sharks, so just go with me on this one. You know, there's somefin for everyone. Sharks are absolutely fascinating powerhouses and sadly very misunderstood. Something actually called a Killer Whale gets to play at SeaWorld, while sharks get the short end of the stick. I mean, they can't help it that by default sharks kinda have to hug using their mouth. But I digress...I am glad I finally executed this cake. It was a lot of fun to use the templates, and depending on your design and color palette, you could really go into a design frenzy with this one for sure. Oh, let's not forget that Oreo cake. I'd definitely bite your arm off to get another slice, so fear me more than the shark (I have land capabilities). It is a rich, chocolatey goodness that's still nice and moist without being too heavy. And in my book, there's no better frosting than cream cheese, so together, these two really do make an Oreo cookie in cake form,so we'll be chowing down on this cake all week while we enjoy new episodes of SHARK WEEK! 'Til next time, my fellow eaters.

Stay jawesome!

'Merican as cheesecake.

 Ah 4th of July--let us celebrate our independence from those stuffy tea drinkers whilst blowing things up and pigging out. I loved Independence Day until we adopted a dog terrified of loud noises; my holiday now consists less of sparklers and more of sedatives (for the dog, not me, although...). While fireworks may not be in the cards for me any longer, the food still stands. It's been several years since I made a 4th of July dessert since we're typically still picking away at my husband's birthday cake. While I'm totally fine with the idea having multiple cakes laying about the house for me to eat, Derek's not big into dessert, so I would take it as a personal challenge to eat everything before it went stale. By the time July 4th rolled around, I would be red, white, and barfy. Luckily, I've concocted a dessert that while small, still packs a big bang of flavor, and well, freedom.

Red, white, and beautiful!

I may have out-Americaned myself here with these red, white, and blue mini cheesecakes. Each layer is bold and bright, and they taste like little cups of freedom...okay, so maybe freedom doesn't really have a taste. Some would say it'd be American as apple pie, but I've yet to see anyone make a red, white, and blue apple pie, so just go with me here. These are cute little vanilla cheesecakes with buttery crusts, and they are absolutely guilt-free at only 145 calories per cup (recipe makes a dozen mini cheesecakes). I'm pretty sure you burn more than 145 calories when you twirl around with sparklers for a hot minute, or during your mad-dash sprint away from the cadre of fireworks you just set off. And people say Americans are lazy.

We're just fans of working smarter, not harder.

This recipe comes together super fast, so if you've got 2 hours before your backyard BBQ, you've got time to whip up a dessert that will make the Karen next door bow down to your baking dominance. All you need for the crust is:

• 1 cup (120 g) of gluten free Graham cracker crumbs (regular works if you're not GF)
• 2 TBS (28 g) light butter, melted
• 2 TBS (24 g) Lakanto monkfruit sweetener or regular sugar

Mix ingredients together in a medium bowl until everything is wet. Then line a muffin tin with cupcake wrappers and preheat your oven to 325. Dump a heaping tablespoon of crust into each liner, then use the back of the tablespoon to smooth out and smush down. Bake for 5 minutes, then remove to a cooling rack. Turn your oven temp down to 300.

Man, even my ingredient packaging was red, white, and blue. This is so American it almost hurts.

This is a really simple vanilla cheesecake recipe, but you could always up the ante and make it super American by adding some Jack Daniels or other boozy goodness to the base recipe. I used:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 the fat cream cheese at room temp
• 1/2 cup (96 g) Lakanto monkfruit sweetener or sugar
  
• 3 TBS of King Arthur gluten free measure for measure flour (regular all purpose works if you aren't GF)
• 8 ounces (226 g) Dannon light + fit vanilla Greek yogurt, strained overnight
• 1.5 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 eggs at room temp
• Red and blue gel dye
• Toppings: Cool Whip (I used sugar free), red, white, and blue sprinkles or stars
  

Start by mixing the cream cheese, sugar, and flour together on medium for 2 minutes in your stand mixer. Then add in the yogurt and vanilla extract, mixing on medium for another minute. Turn the speed to low, and add the eggs, one at a time, scraping the bowl after each addition. Now, divide the batter into three separate bowls. I placed 212 grams of batter into each bowl. I left one alone, dyed one red, and dyed the last blue.

Now grab those crusts!

Get your tablespoon, and plop a little under a tablespoon of the red-dyed batter on top of the crusts. I used the back of a teaspoon to smooth things out so the red batter was completely covering the crust.

Like so. Kinda want to go to Target after looking at this photo.

You can also gently tap the pan on the counter in order to even out your batter at this point.

I was sure things would start going wrong at precisely this moment.

Now, clean that tablespoon and dry it off before plopping a little less than a tablespoon of the white batter on top of the red batter.

My teaspoon became the real MVP. Like the George Washington of baking accessories--the Founding Father of making this cheesecake possible.

I VERY GENTLY, like I was pressing on an eggshell while trying not to break it, used the back of the teaspoon in circular motions to smooth out the batter without causing it to blend into the red layer. This was 98% successful...looking at you, bottom right cheesecake.

Thank God our flag only has 3 colors in it.

I was getting pretty stressed that since my red and white layers worked out, I would surely get too cocky and move too quickly with the blue layer and mess everything up. I used a level of patience and slooowwwwwness I didn't even know I possessed to finish the last layer with the help of George the teaspoon.

Red, white, and *whew.*

Now, bake at 300 for 20 minutes. Then, because all cheesecakes, even the small ones, are demanding divas (how properly American of them), turn off the oven, leave the door shut, and set a timer for 10 minutes to let these needy little beauties finish cooking. After this time has passed, crack the oven door and wait another 10 minutes before removing the pan from the oven and putting it straight in the fridge. These will cool off extremely quickly this way, so you can be ready to stuff your face once the deviled egg tray runs dry and there's nary a hot dog left in sight.

Oh look, sprinkles!

If you've only ever read one of my blog posts, you know sprinkles are not optional in my book. Once my cheesecakes were cool to the touch, I unwrapped them (c'mon, gotta show off those layers), and I used a total of 50 grams of Cool Whip free to pipe little mounds on top of each cheesecake using a 2D tip.

Peep that layer action. 'Merica.

The mounds kinda look like little stars, and I'm here for that.

Then, I added red and blue sprinkles and silver stars to finish things off.

I don't even care if you're Canadian--you have to appreciate how straight up American these little cheesecakes look. Sure, America is kind of a hot mess, but where else is it socially acceptable to eat meat in tube form all day, crack open countless watery beers, take in a NASCAR race, and still have time to blow stuff up at night? While these may not have been the things the Founding Fathers were concerned with, I think cheesecake existed back then, so they probably would've enjoyed the heck out of these little patriotic treats.

Next to exploding things, this is about as American as it gets.

While these look absolutely adorable, they taste 1,000 times better. A plain vanilla cheesecake is a reminder that sometimes simple is best, and this is a prime example of a classic outshining whatever the new flavor trends are, which, again, is pretty darn American. I also feel being able to eat them two at a time also meets American food expectations, so I'm just gonna out-freedom myself and go eat like six of them. I hope everyone has an amazing 4th of July. May your sparklers be bright and may you still have all 10 fingers tomorrow. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Cue the sparklers sprinkles!

Trouble in Paradise

Ah yes, nothing like a tropical storm to remind me that it's probably cooler in hell right now than it is in Florida. Between the wildlife, weather, and drivers, a more accurate state motto would be, "Florida- just try to live here." We may have been stuck inside all weekend, but that meant there was plenty of time to bake! I wanted to make Derek's birthday cake a week early since we will be celebrating his birthday in Nashville next week. I took the opportunity to make him a super bright and fun cake because he's my super bright and fun husband. I chose a pineapple cake with coconut cheesecake filling and coconut cream cheese frosting to mark his big day. In hindsight, I realize I made an extremely big tropical cake during an extremely big tropical storm, so the irony isn't lost on me. You win again, Florida...

It's the pineapple of my eye.

My color palette for cakes this year is apparently, "Can it be brighter?" And I've taken it as a personal challenge that yes, yes it always can. This neon beauty screams summer (I also scream in the summer, but for very different reasons), and oh my it tastes exactly like summer should, too. Surprisingly, there is zero rum in this cake, but it is bursting with pineapple flavor in every bite. To me, the real star of the show is something you can't even see--the coconut cheesecake filling. Sure cake is great, but you know how to take it to a level you might call coco-nuts? Slap cheesecake between each layer. This is probably the best idea I'll have all year, so I'm hanging my hat on this. The coconut cream cheese frosting is also to die for, but c'mon, cheesecake layer. Inside a cake. And somehow, only 345 calories a slice for 8 slices total, or you could bump it down further to 276 calories a slice for 10 slices. Either way, this is a pre-birthday birthday cake, so the calories don't count in this house.

I mean, you could definitely add rum though.

The cake itself is extremely quick and easy to throw together. All you need is:

• 1 box of yellow cake mix (I used Whole Food's gluten free version)
• 1 can of pineapple juice (177 ml) (you could also use half a can plus half a cup of really good rum)
  
• 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce (111 grams)
• 1/4 cup of liquid egg whites or 3 egg whites (61 grams)
  

Preheat your oven to 350 and line 3 six-inch round cake pans with Parchment paper and cooking spray (you can also use 2 eight-inch rounds). Dump all cake ingredients into a stand mixer and blend on low for 30 seconds, the medium for 1-2 minutes, until everything is fully incorporated. Pour batter into prepared pans and bake for 24-26 minutes or until a toothpick comes cleanly out the center of each round.

At this point, my house smelled like a Caribbean vacation. Not gonna lie, wasn't mad about it.

Let your cakes cool in the pan on a cooling rack for 10 minutes before turning out onto the cooling rack to come to room temp before frosting. I put my rounds in the fridge while I worked on making the filling and frosting.

Jello cheesecake pudding is revolutionary. Add it to anything- your cakes, your yogurt, your heart and soul...it goes well with everything.

The filling is super simple to make, you just need:

• 1/2 a box of Jello instant cheesecake pudding mix (14 grams)
• 3/4 cup of skim or fat free milk
• 1 tsp of coconut extract
• 1 cup of Cool Whip sugar free (72 grams)

Whisk the mix, milk, and extract for 2 minutes by hand (admire your biceps; you will feel them). Place this in the fridge to firm up for 5 minutes, then whisk in the Cool Whip. Leave this in the fridge to set up while you make the frosting.

Yes, I have a set of sprinkles for literally every occasion and holiday. I may not sparkle, but damned if my baked goods don't!

I needed a crusting buttercream to make my pineapple stencil work on the sides of the cake, and even then, there was still trouble in tropical paradise. Next time, I would make my life easier by just using a cutout like I did for the top of the cake, but more on that later. To make the coconut cream cheese frosting, grab:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 the fat cream cheese at room temp (224 grams)
• 1/2 cup of light butter; I left this chilled since it is a thinner consistency (112 grams)
• 3 cups of Lakanto powdered monkfruit sweetener or powdered sugar (576 grams)
• 1.5 tsp of clear vanilla extract
• 1.5 tsp of coconut extract
• Gel dyes in lime, orange, hot pink, and yellow
• 2D piping tips
• Some annoyingly bright and chipper summertime sprinkles (I found mine at Michael's)
  
• This pineapple stencil template
  

Mix the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Add in the powdered sugar and extracts, mixing on low until things come together, then bump up to medium high until everything is well mixed. This makes a LOT of frosting. I used about 60% of it, and then had 40% leftover to maybe eat with a spoon while crying about the humidity.

In my life, there will never be enough kitchen counters for the volume of mess I make and space I take up while baking.

Now, take your cooled cakes, grab your filling, and put a little bit of frosting into a piping bag, snipping the tip (no actual piping nozzle needed). Place your first layer face down on a cake board.

Circle of life.

Now, pipe a circle of frosting around the edge of the cake, then load up the center with the cheesecake filling.

Yes, I was wearing some of the filling at this point.

Smooth this out a bit before adding your next layer and repeating the process.

Resisting the urge to start eating.

Literally sitting back to admire my handy work and/or willpower to not dive head-first into this cake.

Now, place a nice thick layer of frosting all over your cake, smoothing out as needed. Chill this for 30 minutes in the fridge, then come back and use a Viva paper towel to gently smooth out any uneven areas of frosting.

The Exact-o knife has become a critical kitchen tool.

While your frosting is chilling, go ahead and make the pineapple outline for the top of the cake. I used Parchment paper, drew a pineapple on it, and cut out the inside with my trusty Exact-o knife.

Soon, you will have sprinkles.

Gently secure this to the top of the cake, pressing in at the little grooves so the paper is flush with the top of the cake.

It was clearly pine-ing for sprinkles.

Now gently press a handful of sprinkles into the top of the cake. I took my time with this, putting in different sizes of sprinkles where it would best define the pineapple shape. Now, go put this in the FREEZER for 15 minutes while you dye your frosting. You need a very chilled cake to stencil on, or things will get sticky and hard to manage, like me after several tropical adult beverages.

...It's an honest assessment.

I was quite sticky after dying all my frosting, but there wasn't any rum involved. I just like to mix with extra gusto which means I end up wearing quite a bit of frosting...ya know, saving it for later. I divided up my remaining frosting into 4 bowls: lime green, orange, yellow, and hot pink. For the stencil, you'll also want a metric ton of paper towels, an angled spatula, a steady hand, and the patience of a saint (I only possessed 2 out of 4 of these things). You can also gently remove the Parchment paper on top of the cake before you stencil.

Hi, please don't pay attention to that pink hot mess. It was my trial pineapple.

I was trying to figure out:

1. Do I need a LOT of frosting or a little?
2. Does swiping up or sideways work better?
3. When on vacation, should you drink a tropical beverage out of a coconut or a pineapple?

Sadly, I never really figured out the answer to any of these questions. My first pink pineapple looked more like a Rorschach test of something trying to be a pineapple. Too much frosting, only swiped left (if this were Tinder, that pineapple would get used to the swipe-left rejection). Second orange pineapple, little frosting, swiping up....somewhat better but its...pineapplyness....was still questionable. My third yellow pineapple? The only one of the bunch that turned out right. What did I do? I'm still not sure. I placed my template flush with the cake, spreading a dollop of yellow in all directions with an angled spatula, wiping the spatula clean, then coming in with green and hoping for the best before carefully peeling away the template. Definitely wipe off the template between each use as well.

I don't think I've ever held my breath longer.

But it worked, sorta!

Maybe the pineapples were angry because, 'No, Kate, we're not pink or orange in nature, so we simply can't do this.' I had two of each color pineapple around the cake, and only the yellow ones turned out properly, so nature bests me again. 

Giving me yet another reason to hate nature.

To finish, I first thanked myself for not totally ruining this pre-birthday birthday cake because at least the top pineapple was adorable, and then, I loaded my frosting into separate piping bags. I put the orange and pink bags into a large piping bag fitted with a 2D tip, and I put my yellow and green bags into another large piping bag fitted with a 2D tip. I piped out enough frosting out of both bags until the colors were coming out at the same time. Then I just piped little mounds of alternating color around the top of the cake. If I could've gotten away with only showing the top of this cake, I would have. I am so happy with how cute this turned out. The sides of the cake, however, fill me with rage. My poor husband has a hot mess of a pre-birthday birthday cake, to go along with his hot mess of a wife.

I relate to the pineapple, as I, too, am spiky on the outside but sweet on the inside.

But thankfully the tropical storms have subsided, and we can now enjoy the actual fruits of my panic-y labor. I enjoy making my husband's birthday treats each year almost as much as I enjoy Halloween baking, and that's saying something (I must be truly fond of him). He's not a huge dessert fan, but I've yet to have to hold him down to get him to eat a slice, so I think it passes his pre-birthday seal of approval.

You a fineapple, cake topper.

I'm sorry if these photos hurt your eyes because NEON! This is so bright and festive it almost makes me forget that outside is so gross, sweaty, humid, and hot that I'm 110% positive I will spontaneously combust if I spend more than 3 minutes in direct sunlight.

I am also 110% positive I would want a slice of this cake as my last meal.

I truly believe a good dessert makes most things more bearable, including living in a state that tries to kill me most days, and I am wild about the flavor combos going on here. I absolutely hate the texture of coconut, but the flavor is amazing, and this cake has plenty of it. You could definitely add coconut shavings in with the cheesecake filling if you like the feeling of eating while simultaneously brushing your teeth with fur. My personal preference is to avoid that experience if at all possible. Plus, I dig this bake exactly the way it is. Completely melt-in-your-mouth buttery pineapple cake meets coconutty, thick cheesecake filling, all finished off with a nice, slightly tart cream cheese frosting. The sweet meets tangy and tropical flavors are pretty much the cake version of a Bahama Momma. I think eating a slice while drinking one would transport you to your very own private Caribbean island. I'm gonna have to try that... 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

It's so good it almost makes me like summer. Or the idea of summer, anyway. Thank God there's no ERCOT in Florida, cause we are running the A/C like it's a track meet.