Florida Is Skipping Fall, but My Baking Isn't

The first 21 years of my life, I had no idea what Autumn really looked like. In West Texas, one day, leaves had trees, the next, they did not. It was always 90 degrees most of October, and I distinctly remember wearing shorts to several Thanksgiving dinners. So when I moved to Michigan at age 22, imagine my surprise when I realized leaves were supposed to turn beautiful colors, not just fall down dead; gorgeous boots (not cowboy) and flannel everything could be worn in October; and dear sweet baby Jesus, apples. Apples everywhere. My mom always talked about going to a cider mill, but in my early 20s, I was just way too cool and still way too Texan for something that sounded so...Midwestern. I remember walking into Yates Cider Mill in Rochester Hills for the first time. I experienced a fundamental shift in my being--watching the cider press at work, smelling fresh apple cider donuts and streusel-topped apple pies...in that moment, I became a fall devotee. I had yet to learn to love pumpkin (give it time), but cider mills and Michigan will always hold a special place in my heart. While I can't get behind Michigan's lack of left turn lanes and freakish love of coney hot dogs, but it is really on to something with all those apples. I have lived a lot of places, but I'll be damned if any of them do fall justice more than Michigan. So here's my tribute: an apple cider cake with cinnamon chip ganache and apple cider cinnamon buttercream frosting.

Fall is for more than pumpkin spice, y'all.

It's still a real feel of 109 outside in Northwest Florida, so fall is happening exclusively indoors this year. When this cake was in the oven, I was magically transported back to my first cider mill trip (I was a lot sweatier than I remember, though). My house smelled like the inside of a box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios; in fact, it still does an entire day later. Just try to bring me down, Florida! My entire being is wrapped up in cider-scented goodness with my indoor fall decor providing me enough fervor to fake it til I make it. I am definitely veering into feelings-eating territory, so it's a good thing this insanely moist, apple-cinnamon-y cake only runs 355 calories a slice. Whew. There's not a "loose flannel" season around here; in fact, we're moving into a house with a pool next month, and I figure I'll be using it until mid December at this rate.

While drinking *cold* cider...

Super simple ingredients, to boot! I am all about corner cutting because as both a lazy person and a person who hates being hot, I like when my oven is on for very short increments. To make this yummy ode to fall, gather:

• 1 box of vanilla cake mix
• 2 egg whites
• 10 ounces diet creme soda
• 5 packets sugar free instant cider mix
• 2 apples, peeled, chopped finely, and tossed in lemon juice (to keep from browning). I used Honeycrisps (Gala or Jazz apples would also work perfectly)

Preheat your oven to 350 and grease three 6-inch round pans, or two 8-inch pans, or one 9x13 pan. I will say the next time I make this, I will go the 9x13 pan route--the apples make this cake very moist, so cutting clean slices from a three-tiered cake is next to impossible because the structure just isn't dense enough. But even if it ends up in a sloppy pile on a plate, it is still the best cake I've eaten all year. And that's saying something because I eat like, a ridiculous amount of cake.

Mix together the cake mix, egg whites, soda, and cider packets for 2 minutes on medium high. Fold in the chopped apples by hand. Pour the batter evenly into your prepared pans (don't forget the bake-even strips!), using the back of the cake box to tell you how long to bake based on the size of your pan. I baked mine for 28 minutes in 6-inch pans.

Apple Heaveeennnnn.

When a toothpick comes out from the cake clean, it's done cooking. Let your cakes rest in the pan for 10 minutes before very gently turning out onto a cooling rack to cool off a bit. I recommend placing the cakes either on the cooling rack or wrapped in plastic wrap into the freezer for a few hours. The rounds are delicate because of all of the apples in them, so you want them slightly frozen so they won't rip or crumble while you're frosting and assembling later.

Everything's better with butter--including apples.

Once your cakes are firmed up in the freezer, start on your frosting. I passed time by sipping on a mug of mostly cooled off apple cider, but maybe you're fortunate enough to live somewhere where you can have hot apple cider in mid September without bursting into flame while you decorate your apple cider cake. Consider me jealous. For the cinnamon cider buttercream, you need:

• 1 cup of butter at room temp
• 2 cups of Swerve confectioners
• 2 cups of regular powdered sugar
• 1 heaping tsp of cinnamon
• 1 packet of sugar free instant cider mix prepared--you will use 3 tablespoons of prepared cider

Cream the butter until smooth, then add in the Swerve. Blend on low until mixed, then add in the powdered sugar, cinnamon, and three tablespoons of cider. Mix well.

Now grab those cakes!

 Place your first layer of cake on a cake board, then slather on a nice layer of frosting. I use a piping bag fitted with a #12 round tip to pipe a circle of frosting on the cake top, then smooth out with an angled spatula.

Twice as nice.

 Add the next layer, slather with more frosting, and then get ready for the final layer.

Thrice as nice isn't as catchy, but more cake is always a winner.

 Put a large amount of frosting on the top of the cake, smoothing out and pushing the excess off and down the sides of the cake. Remember to use a soft touch when spreading frosting all over the rest of the cake. These babies are fra-gee-lay (it must be Italian!).

You're getting hunnngrryyy....

 Once a decent layer of frosting was slathered on my cake, I took my angled spatula, pressed it flush horizontally to the sides of my cake, and turned my cake table around, gently dragging my spatula as I went, creating a swirl all around the side of the cake. I started in the center of the top of my cake and swirled outward, keeping the tip of my spatula horizontal while spinning my cake table slowly. It created a pretty nifty swirl pattern I've always wanted to try out. Honestly, I was going to make this a naked cake, but I knew it would be too delicate to scrape the sides, so I did my least favorite thing ever and improvised! Seriously, I sketched out this cake before I made it. I leave nothing to chance, so having a last minute decor change threw me so far outside of my comfort zone I may as well have been lost in an IKEA (same feeling of hopeless despair, but without the Swedish meatballs).

Literally the hardest ingredient to find.

 Put your full frosted cake back into the freezer for about 30-45 minutes. You want your frosting crusted in order to handle the hot ganache. Once ready, dump 1/2 a cup of cinnamon chips (seriously, I can only ever find them on Amazon) and two tablespoons of skim milk in a medium bowl. Heat for 1 minute on 50% power in the microwave, whisk, and repeat heating one last time. Whisk until completely smooth, then transfer to a small liquid measuring cup. Let this sit for 10 minutes to thicken.

Then pour some sugar on cake...

Drizzle ganache over the top of the cake evenly, then use an angled spatula to push the ganache over the top so it can gently drip down the sides. Put your cake back in to the freezer (for the final time, I swear).

Pictured: winging it!

 I was also going to pipe mums on my cake for optimal fall decorum, but my frosting wasn't thick enough. Winging it once more all for the sake of cake (I would do anything for cake, including inciting my very own panic attack), I took the remainder of my frosting, dyed it a light peach shade, and put it into a piping bag with a #21 open star tip. Starting in the middle, I made small rosettes by swirling out and around my center starting point.

I continued all the way around my cake.

 I could've stopped here, but I was mad with misdirection and...freedom? from my original plans, so I found my fall sprinkles. Nothing is ever done if it hasn't been topped with sprinkles or sparkles (except maybe your taxes. Don't top those with glitter unless you like your chances of passing an audit).

But, these are really cute sprinkles.

 I bought these off Amazon last year (they're Wilton brand fall sprinkles). I wasn't sure if I'd have the chance to use them this year, but lucky me, my original plans falling apart entirely! I placed one sprinkle in the center of each rosette, and decided to pipe a shell border at the bottom of my cake...sheerly because I had an insane amount of frosting leftover. I may have cried a little throwing away about 1/3 of my frosting leftovers. It was that or eat it all in one sitting, soooo...

I pressed leaves into the front of the shell border to finish my cake:

It wasn't what I planned, but it still looks like Autumn!

...which kinda works. I didn't plan on becoming obsessed with fall the day I walked into Yates Cider Mill, but fresh apple cider donuts will make you a believer, man. I mean, if I could spend all day eating cider donuts and then napping on alternate hours, I'd be living my dream. Sadly, this is neither good for my health or conducive to supporting my dogs, so instead I'm baking the best tribute to fall I've ever come up with in my crazy brain while sharing my intense love of the season with all of you. Every forkful brings something to the table--cider flavor, cinnamon bursts, and sweet chunks of apple. I'm going to look into how difficult it might be to petition to make this cake the new Thanksgiving dessert regular--move over pumpkin pie. It's that good, people. But never fear, I'm sure I'll come up with something pumpkin-spiced to heaven soon so that I can live up to my full Basic White Girl™ potential. I promised my husband I wouldn't go near pumpkin spice until the actual equinox, so I've got six days (not counting or anything) to make that happen. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

This apple dream boat will keep me happy for now!

Flipping the Cake.

Lately I've come across some stellar cakes on Pinterest that have bucked the rules and said no more to typical horizontal cake layers. Instead, stunning vertical layers are found resting inside, usually in some gorgeous color combination. Most normal bakers would see that and think, "What a unique look. I can't wait to try that out." I think you'll be in no way surprised my first thought was, "Oh man, when you turn a cake sideways, you can fit like so much more frosting inside it." I've pretty much made it my mission to try to get a perfect 1:1 ratio of cake-to-frosting with each forkful, so to manage to make this a reality was a crowing achievement for me. I also tried my hand at watercolor decorating the sides of my cake, so I was going all out into new, uncharted territory here (who am I?!). Happy to report this vertical blue ombre coconut cake with orange flavored buttercream turned out to be a delicious success.

It was almost too pretty to eat. Almost.

Not gonna lie, I was super nervous about trying this out. I figured at worst, we'd end up having some really colorful cake pops if the vertical layers all crumbled when I tried rolling them up. I've been trying this new thing, I believe it's called optimism, where I see the silver lining in situations. I've been wearing florals, trying to be peppy, and viewing the glass as half full instead of asking why the glass doesn't have wine in it. I realize the irony in me trying to be a ray of sunshine when the actual rays of sunshine are zapping my will to live (so, so sweaty). It may be endless summer here, but at least I baked a cake that perfectly encapsulates it: a blend of coconut white cake and citrus-filled frosting; I hear Florida likes oranges or something. Together, these flavors are perfect. Sweet and zesty, with a nice piña colada aftertaste. And naturally, it's low cal. Only 279 calories a slice for 12 slices. This makes about a 7" cake when flipped and rolled up, so it's a cute but substantial little lady.

That requires a boatload of eggs.

I was feeling adventurous, but didn't want to waste a ton of ingredients if I ruined everything in the process. So to make a quick but effective (I mean, it's so pretty) vertical layer cake, you need:

• 1 box cake mix. I used white since I knew I wanted to dye it different shades.
• 6 egg whites
• 3 egg yolks
• 2 tsp coconut extract
• 10 ounces diet creme soda
• Dyes: I used sky blue, electric blue, and royal blue Wilton gel dyes
• If you're also an anxious hot mess like I was at this point (I am so great at leaping to the worst possible scenario: ruined cake), might I recommend a paper sack to breathe into or some Klonopin. I hear it's wonderful. 

Preheat your oven to 350 (I did 375, but my cake bottoms got a little too browned), and get ready to make foil art!

Not pictured: the tinfoil hat I was thinking of making.

 If you're not interested in dying your cake layers different colors, just throw some Parchment down on a half sheet pan (18x13 inches) and lightly grease before pouring in all your batter. I used foil to create sections. I used 2 of these pans but only needed 3 sections, so my other pan had one tinfoil section only. Lightly spray with Pam and set aside.

Get ready to whip it. Whip it good.

In my research, I found that just about every vertical layer cake gets its flexibly sound structure from meringue, so I separated 6 eggs, holding on to 3 egg yolks for later. I whipped all 6 egg whites on medium high for about 5 minutes. You'll know things are ready when you can lift up you mixer's whisk and both stiff peaks have formed in the whites and the bit that stays attached to the whisk isn't dripping. Carefully transfer this to a medium bowl, then mix together the egg yolks, creme soda, cake mix, and coconut extract for 2 minutes on medium high. Fold in your fluffy egg whites gently by hand to keep as much air in the cake as you can.

And pray to the baking gods this turns out right.

 I then took 250 grams of plain white cake mix and spooned it into one half of my prepared pan. In hindsight, I'd do half white, half much paler blue next time. There was a lot of white on the inside of the cake, so another transition color for the ombre would've made it perfect. I then took 125 grams of white cake mix, set it in a bowl, and placed a small amount of sky blue dye with it and mixed before turning out into half of one of my little foil gutters. I took another 125 grams of white cake mix, set it in the same bowl, and dyed this electric blue before turning out into the other half of the foil gutter holding the sky blue cake mix. Carefully smooth out, trying not to disrupt between the two blues too much. Finally, I dumped whatever was left (scale be damned! ..but seriously, I can't live without my digital scale) into the same bowl and dyed royal blue before putting into my last foil gutter and smoothing out.

Slightly browned, but still edible!

Now, bake one sheet at a time unless you're lucky and have double ovens for 10-12 minutes at 350. The cake should be peeling from the edges of the pans and springy when touched. Place baking sheets on cooling trays and let cakes rest for 5 minutes. Then place some Parchment paper on top of each section and gently flip the foil/cake off the baking sheet and on to the cooling rack. Lift off the foil and let cakes cool completely. You can try rolling them up into the Parchment paper at this point if you want to, but honestly, I didn't, and my cakes didn't tear apart beyond repair. I let everything cool completely before trimming the edges so all my cakes were exactly the same width.

And then made a mess of my kitchen.

While my cakes were cooling (which, when they're less than an inch thick happens in about 5 blinks of an eye), I made my orange buttercream. I used:

• 1 cup of butter at room temp
• 2 12 ounce bags of Swerve confectioner's
• 1 TBS vanilla
• 1 tsp orange extract
• 6 TBS skim milk
• Dyes: sky blue, electric blue, and purple

I ended up not using any regular powdered sugar to cut the Swerve as I usually do; this cake was going to live in the fridge so the rolls stayed, well, rolled, and I find when Swerve is served cold from the fridge, it doesn't give off much of that cooling effect it does when it's at room temp. You could always use 24 ounces of regular powdered sugar, but this will drastically change calorie count (a cup of Swerve is about 44 calories; regular powdered sugar is 480 a cup).

To make, cream the butter for a minute or two before adding one bag of Swerve, the extracts, and 2 TBS of milk. Blend on low until incorporated, then scrape the bowl before adding in the other bag of Swerve and 4 more tablespoons of milk. Mix well, then grab your cooled cakes.

The moment of truth...

Slather a thin layer of frosting onto each cake. Remind yourself to breathe, and get ready to roll. Literally.

Some breakage, but still cake!

Roll up the white layer first from the short end, since it will be the inside of your cake. Things will crack and break, but the frosting will help hold everything together. The world's most delicious glue! Take the end of the white cake roll, and place it flush to the lightest blue shade of frosted cake. Continue to roll up. Place this flush with the final layer of dark blue cake and roll up. Flip that cake and set it on it's side (now bottom). What you have should look like this:

Cinnamon roll adjacent.

As you can see, I was cracking up. Well, the cake was, too, but not to worry. Wrap your cake roll tightly into two layers of plastic wrap, and then place into the freezer to firm for an hour. All cracks will get covered with frosting later, but again, you can try rolling these up when they're still warm if that bothers you.

Like a straight jacket for your cake. Stop the cracks!

While this is setting up, make sure your frosting gets covered up as well. You can leave it out so it stays at room temp and is easier to spread. Once your cake is firmed up, spread a thin layer of plain white frosting all over the top and sides.

Remember, if you've made it this far, you're kicking so much ass.

I used enough frosting on top to completely cover up the edges of the roll and create a flat surface. You don't need as much on the side if you're watercolor decorating it. I took my remaining dye (there won't be a ton, but you don't need much), split it into three bowls, dying one sky blue, one electric blue, and another purple.

And then I went crazy, from the looks of it.

I used a small angled spatula to swab blotches of each color all over my cake, trying to layer colors vertically (everything about this cake is vertical, apparently) instead of horizontally because things will get blended together. I then took my bench scraper and gently scraped the edges of my cake, causing the frosting to blend together. I cleaned off my bench scraper before giving a second pass. Then I came back in and added small splotches of various colors anywhere that looked too empty or didn't have much overlap. I finished up by first smoothing only those new splotches with my small angled spatula and then giving a final once over with the bench scraper.

Thinking about peacocks for some reason...

Definitely use colors that will look pretty when blended together. Purple and orange won't look nice blended together, and no one likes ugly cake. They'll still eat it, but it's the principle of the situation. You can also watercolor the top of your cake, using a long angled spatula to smooth instead of a bench scraper, but I had florals on my mind (I told you, I'm a regular ray of friggin' sunshine).

I never miss an opportunity for sprinkles, people.

I placed my remaining frosting into three bags fitted with piping tips:

• a 2D tip for the purple
• a 32 open star for the electric blue
• a 16 open star for the sky blue

I made roses around the entire border of the cake by swirling my 2D tip in a circle, starting in the middle of a small section of border and swirling my way out and around. I came back in with the electric blue and made large stars by piping a mound of frosting and quickly pulling away. I did these at random, but tried to cover up any weird white space between or under roses. I finished up by using the tiny tip on the sky blue frosting to make the littlest, most adorable stars to fill in any remaining white space. I had about 6 tablespoons of frosting left, and maybe mainlined one bag onto some cake scraps and ate to sample the goods. This is why you never throw away cake scraps until you're totally done decorating. You're welcome.

And then, of course, I added sprinkles. A finishing touch is a finishing touch.

I am definitely the kind of person that refuses to learn a new skill unless I'm immediately good at it (this is why I don't sew or play team sports). This may or may not be an awful way to approach trying new things, but at least I'm willing to give new techniques for a hobby I'm good at a chance. Otherwise I'd still be making nothing but horizontal layer cakes with plain smoothed buttercream. Moral of the blog, try the crazy new vertical cake trend because it's way easier than it looks. And if all else fails you've still got a cake to eat. So it's like the world's best win-win. I'm telling you, that 50% cake to 50% frosting ratio is a game changer!!! And so is this flavor combo. Coconut flavored anything tastes great, but add in that citrus buttercream, and this is quite possibly going to be my new summer flavor go-to. Lemon, schememon. I will say using so many egg whites does give a spongy texture to the cake, so if you're not into that, try using fewer egg whites (I think 4 would've still done the trick). I'll try that next time for posterity and because we're going to eat this cake in a hot minute. Literally. Minutes are hot in Florida. Everything is hot in Florida. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put up my indoor Halloween decorations because Autumn is my happy place, and I much prefer spooky linings to silver ones. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Rarely has my first attempt at anything yielded such nice results. Where there's a will to eat cake, there's a way.

Chocolate- for Survival!

I work in a museum, which means during the summer, things get a little intense what with the bajillion tourists, kids being out of school, Florida being hotter than the surface of the sun and us having A/C, etc. As most of you with children know, school is back in session in many places this week, including the county I live in. So I am breathing a deep sigh of relief that I might have a work week where I don't have to tell a child not to: feed our exotic animals french fries, run at a full sprint by expensive exhibits, try to pocket gift shop items, scream at the birds...The list is long, and I am tired. So tired. As someone who never wanted children, summertime in the museum industry only reaffirms I have made the right life choice for me and my sanity. So to celebrate my bravery for not spending half of summer hiding under my desk from children (think Mad Max: Toddler-dome), I brought together two of my favorite things: chocolate and Baileys. I know...I make a chocolate-Baileys-something at least once a month (I have to cope somehow; it's this, or I run away to Canada), but this is a brand new combination: a sinfully delicious dark chocolate cookie cup filled with Baileys chocolate cheesecake.

I mean, damn.

A single bite of one of these cups, and I forget all my troubles. Well, most of them. I'm still generally tense when I hear the sound of a child's laughter, but that will pass in a few week's time. These. Cups. Way more than one bite (trust me, I tried), and so yummy it's almost a transcendental experience to eat one. The dark chocolate cookie cup is so divine, and the lighter flavor of the Baileys chocolate cheesecake is the perfect pairing--it starts off decadent and finishes on all the right notes. Rich, but not too bold. Boozy, but not too overwhelming. If you're celebrating your children going back to school, or if you're a teacher, and the above hot mess I described is now your problem instead of mine, do yourself a favor and make these cups to either celebrate or cope. Dealer's choice. Did I mention they're only 230 calories a cup? And the recipe makes 20 cups--plenty to share with your celebrating MOPs group or shell-shocked fellow educators.

Everything starts with butter.

With a few easy ingredients, these cookie cups come together in no time flat. You'll need:

• 1 cup of butter at room temp
• 1/2 cup of Swerve granular
• 1 cup of Truvia brown sugar blend
• 2 cups of All Purpose flour
• 1/4 cup of regular cocoa powder
• 1/4 cup of dark cocoa powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla

Preheat your oven to 350 and grease the hell out of two muffin tins (regular size). Cream the butter and sugars for 3-4 minutes until light and fluffy. While your stand mixer is earning its keep, sift together the flour, cocoas, salt, and baking soda in a large bowl. Once your sugar/butter magic has happened, add in the eggs, one at a time, mixing well and scraping the bowl between each. Add the vanilla and a third of the dry mix you set aside. Blend until just incorporated, scrape the bowl, and add in another third of the dry mix. Repeat one last time.

I just wanted to eat the cookie dough all at once...that's how broken my spirit is after summer.

 Take a cookie scoop, grease it, and then drop two scoops into each muffin tin to make 20 cups.

Instead, I used my stress to fuel the flattening process. Coping!

Then flatten out each cup, ensuring they are relatively uniform and evenly flattened out. You don't want the sides/edges to be too high up from the rest of the dough or they will cook too fast and burn by the time the rest of the cup is ready. We'll indent later! Bake for 12 minutes at 350. The center will still be very soft and not all the way set; this is a crucial component in order to shape the cups, so don't over bake!

1/4 cup scoop, the perfect fit.

After you remove from the oven, place the muffin tin on a cooling sheet and get a 1/4 measuring cup out. Use it to gently but firmly press into the top of each cookie to create a well. I sprayed my measuring cup with cooking spray to keep it from sticking and ruining the cups. Repeat for all 20 cups, and then leave them alone. Walk away! No touchy! Let these cool off for 10 minutes, then use a dull butter knife or angled spatula to loosen the edges of the cups from the side of the tin. Once none of them are sticking, let these cups continue to cool off in the muffin tin until completely room temp. The residual heat from the pan will help the centers firm up.

Real tempting not to dig in with a spoon, though.

But worth the wait. Edible cookie bowls are the best kind of bowls. Deal with it, burrito bowls. You've had your moment.

Once fully cooled, finish removing from the pan and leave on the cooling rack. Time to prep that cheesecake filling! --Best prep work there is!

Because, booze.

This cheesecake filling is pretty light and fluffy, which goes against my general cheesecake belief that it should be so rich and so heavy that I need both a shovel and an iron will to eat it. But, considering how absolutely decadent the chocolate cookie cups are, a lighter cheesecake filling is necessary to offset the texture and balance out the flavors *just* right. You can always use less Cool Whip if you still prefer a heavier cheesecake, but I honestly think the cheesecake has the perfect amount of density to pair with the cookie cups. Any heavier and I might have trouble finishing a whole cup...and this is coming from the queen of eating her body weight in dessert, so heed my advice. For optimum cheesecakery levels, gather:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 less fat cream cheese at room temp
• 1/2 cup of Swerve granular
• 1/4 cup of Baileys
• 1/4 cup of melted semisweet chocolate chips, cooled
• 8 ounce tub of Cool Whip Lite (why can't I find Cool Whip Free anymore?!)

You are perfect in every way, fluffy filling. Like a Wendy's Frosty with Baileys. Mmm.

Start by blending the cream cheese and Swerve for 2-3 minutes until well mixed and not grainy. Add in the melted chocolate and Baileys. Mix very well. Drink with a straw for...reasons. Or don't. I don't know how rough your summer was, so I won't judge you if you actually drink this with a straw (it's delicious). Either way, finish up by gently beating in the Cool Whip. I put my filling into the fridge to firm up for 30 minutes because I wanted a nice piping texture; alternatively, you could just spoon the filling into the cups then chill and set for an hour. I'm a glutton for punishment, so I waited before loading up a piping bag with a large French tip by Ateco and the cheesecake filling.

Pipe away!

 I piped mounds, rounded twists, whatever I felt like for each cup. Not completely uniform but fun and carefree...two words I generally do not associate with myself (unless Baileys is involved). But because I'm also vain and a perfectionist (yep, those are the right adjectives), I finished off these beauties with a pièce de résistance: sprinkles.

Everything is better with sprinkles.

These cookie cups chocked full of boozy brilliance do need to live in the fridge during their very brief survival time before total consumption occurs. I do, however, nab a couple to sit out for 10 minutes so the cookie cups soften up before inhaling. Worth it. I have had these on my Pinterest board for months--waiting, not so patiently--for summer museum season to end so that I could bake these beauties and celebrate my survival. I'd say I'm also celebrating for my sanity, but that's checked at the Florida state line until we move. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Coping with Summer, the Cake Edition.

If there is one thing I actually do enjoy about living in Florida, it is having Publix grocery stores. More specifically, Publix grocery stores' watermelon. I'm not sure if they're injecting it with pure cane sugar, unicorn tears, or drugs, but the stuff is absolutely magical and without a doubt the best tasting watermelon I've ever eaten, every time. I'm leaning towards the drug hypothesis because it would explain every "Florida Man" headline you see in the press and the sense of euphoria I feel while eating it. I eat a lot of fruit to satisfy my sweet tooth...there's no way I could remain in shape if I grabbed a donut to curb my sugar cravings as often as I do chunks of watermelon, bananas, mango, or grapes. But since I'm a fat kid at heart, I saw this Delish video making the rounds on Facebook. A giant cake in the shape of a watermelon?! Eating my fruits and cakes at the same time?! I must have been high on Publix watermelon because I totally went for it, in an ode to summer (or my inability to cope with it), I present the cake edition of everyone's favorite melon (sorry, honey dew):

I'm not sure if my mouth is watering for cake or melon. Does it matter?

Now, the Delish recipe used TWO cake mixes, all of the calories (I do not exaggerate--16 servings for 750 calories a piece), and maybe was meant for sharing (Share cake? What are we? Peasants?). I wanted to scale this cake down to a reasonable size and weight--I did not need it to be as heavy as an actual watermelon, and I also did not need to feed an army, just my husband and my insatiable dessert stomach. I also live in a region of the country where less still feels like more when it comes to clothing in the summer time, so keeping exposed flesh in mind, I opted to make this as low cal as I could while also still being decadent cakey goodness. Sadly, not as low calorie as a slice of *real* watermelon or one of those "looks like a frosted cake but is just an actual watermelon hiding under whipped cream" creations (the horror), but this three-tiered, 6-inch round cake makes 12 servings for only 383 calories a slice. A tall order of buttercream, chocolate chips, and red velvet cake that tastes so amazing, I don't even mind the humidity sweats. Coping with summer, the cake edition!

Four ingredients for an entire cake!

 I'm usually not a huge fan of red velvet cakes because they are dense, like a brick in the stomach (meat is the only food that should be heavy- I am a Texan after all). I do love the flavor though, so I wanted to try lightening up the typical just-ate-a-bowling-ball feeling that comes with a standard red velvet cake. You could also use a white cake and dye it red to make your watermelon cake (and add in sugar free watermelon Jello for maximum melon cake), but I knew I was going to need a lot of dye to decorate, and didn't want anything to taste funky like it does when you use too much dye, so I went with a cake that didn't need any extra gel dye. I used:

• A super moist red velvet cake mix so things didn't taste to dry or heavy
• 2 egg whites
• 10 ounces of diet creme soda
• 5 ounces of mini chocolate chips because this is a watermelon cake and watermelon cakes should also have seeds. Delicious, edible chocolate seeds.

 Without heavy oils, butters, or buttermilk, this exponentially helped make a springy, lighter version of a red velvet cake that still tasted perfect. Start by preheating the oven according to package directions and preparing three 6-inch round pans with cooking spray. Blend the cake mix, soda, and egg whites together for 2 minutes on medium high. Place the mini chocolate chips in a bag with a tablespoon of flour and coat so they won't sink in the batter. Stir in the mini chocolate chips by hand. Evenly distribute your batter in the prepared pans (don't forget the bake even strips!!) and bake for 25-28 minutes at 350. Let cool on a cooling rack in the pans for 10 minutes once done in the oven, then turn out on the cooling rack to cool completely. I froze my cakes overnight in plastic wrap so I wouldn't have to crumb coat my cake and worry about bits of red velvet poking out of my frosting. Level your cakes before freezing!

Oh yes, look at that "seed" distribution.

My bake even strips work miracles, so I only barely had one cake top to level. I needed to eat the scraps to ensure I had made a tasty cake, you see. Research...

Look, let's not pretend we're surprised my vodka is in a skull bottle. I am weird. I am macabre. I am Wednesday Addams.

 Yeah, this seems like the world's weirdest grocery list, but to make the watermelon cake happen, it's worth it. For the frosting, you'll need:

• 1 cup of butter at room temp
• 3 cups of Swerve confectioner's sugar
• 2 cups of regular powdered sugar
• 1 TBS clear vanilla
• 1 tsp almond extract
• 5 TBS skim milk
• New, unused sponge
• Some vodka (for decorating or drinking)
• Green, yellow, and red gel dyes
• Black jelly beans, chocolate covered-raisins, or more mini chocolate chips (I used 1/2 TBS of the mini chips to make "seeds" on top of my cake because my husband is averse to black jelly beans. My mother and I just might be the only people in the world that seek them out on purpose. Yum.)

 Start by creaming the butter until fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Then add in the 3 cups of Swerve, almond extract, vanilla, and 2 TBS of skim milk. Blend well, then add in the 2 cups of regular powdered sugar and 3 TBS of skim milk. I like to use real powdered sugar mixed with the Swerve because it prevents the frosting from tasting grainy or give off a weird cooling effect that Swerve can have in large quantities. Swerve also masks the extracts, so definitely use a ratio of real powdered sugar to Swerve. I love this almond buttercream recipe, and it is the perfect flavor to go with the red velvet. To paint on frosting, you need a crusting buttercream, so this is why I didn't go with a traditional cream cheese frosting on my red velvet cake.

So not red enough...

 Split your frosting in half. Dye half red, and leave the other half white. I ran out of red gel dye and had no black dye, so I totally didn't get to achieve a deep enough red to match my red velvet cake. Thankfully, this is the inside of the cake. And when it comes to cake, what's on the outside is really what matters. Cake, a dessert for vain people! Prepare a cake board and place one layer, top face down, on the board. By placing the cake so the bottom is on top, you've got a totally flat surface to start stacking on. I put my red frosting into a large piping back with a large round tip (#12) and piped a thick layer of frosting on top of the cake.

I used an angled spatula to even things out Before stacking another layer on top...

Like a Red Velvet Oreo. Repeat for the final layer:

It will at least be as tall as a real watermelon.

Now, place into the freezer for 30 minutes to let the red frosting crust up so it won't bleed through later. I used this time to load up another large piping bag with my white frosting and a cake icer decorating tip. I've literally had it since the day I decided to start baking/blogging 4 years ago and have used it exactly no times. I forgot I had it, and as it turns out, it's literally the greatest piping tool to ever exist. I would probably be light years ahead of myself in skill and precision if I had been frosting my cakes with it since 2014. I'm too proud to express the level of shame I feel over this, so let's skim right over to a crappy photo montage!

Experiencing yet another new Shame Level: using a Philadelphia Eagles cup to load my frosting bag as a gentle reminder that they smoked my team in the playoffs. Skol one for sadness, Minnesota Vikings.

In approximately two to three seconds, I used the icer tip to pipe flat layers of frosting all around my cake while slowly rotating the turn table it was on. I used a large angled spatula and a bench scraper to completely smooth my sides. Five minutes, tops, to achieve damn near perfection.

Now, using another round #12 tip, pipe a circle of white frosting around the very top layer of cake. This creates the rind of the watermelon. Stick your cake in the freezer for 15 minutes to let this set up. Then you can come back in and smooth out any uneven edges on the sides of your cake with a Viva paper towel since this is a crusting buttercream recipe. But really, all flaws will get hidden when you paint the cake in a moment.

Take the very last of the red frosting (I actually had quite a bit leftover) and fill in the top of the cake.

Use an angled spatula to smooth out, blending in the edges with the white rind very gently to give it a natural look.

Add in whatever you're using to make your watermelon seeds on top of your cake. Press in gently.

Now, to paint on your cake, you want that bad boy FROZEN. Like, colder than my heart. So let it sit in the freezer for at least 90 minutes. I watched Shark Week episodes on DVR, and my love of both cameraman Andy Casagrande and Great White Sharks passed the time super quickly. I live every week like it's Shark Week!

And now I have a set of baking sponges! That's a thing, right? It is now.

 I took a sponge and cut it into small squares. Small enough that I could roll them in half and easily hold them (Think mini taco or flauta. Sorry, I'm super Texan today). Then I took a teaspoon of yellow gel dye, dumped it in a bowl and mixed it with a tablespoon of vodka (don't worry, the flavor completely evaporates). I repeated in a second bowl with green gel dye. Wearing gloves (unless you're super into dying your hands green or playing the Grinch in an upcoming community theater performance), take one sponge, dip it in the green dye mix, squeeze out any excess, and paint uneven lines on the side of the frozen cake:

This was one pass with a sponge.

 I did all my green lines for my watermelon first, then I came in with a new sponge and yellow dye mix. Once I had all my cake covered, I came back in in various spots, blending the yellow and green together all over, making the green darker in some places, the yellow darker in others, etc. to give the random appearance of the outside of a watermelon:

It was suuuuper messy.

 But it was also a ton of fun to do--watermelon rinds aren't precise at all, so have a blast painting it how your heart desires. Clean up your cake board before removing your gloves, then set into the fridge to let the vodka evaporate and the dye settle for a few hours.

In hindsight, Florida's humidity levels make sponge painting a cake a dangerous game.

Thankfully, since this cake is living in the fridge, the humidity doesn't make the dye sweat and bleed all over the place.

Suck it, summer!

 If you live in an environment where the humidity level is less than "let's make the windows cry," you could probably leave this in a cake safe at room temp. I am so happy with how cute this cake turned out, and I am excited that I learned quite a few new skills thanks to this cake. I had no idea how breezy it was to frost a cake with that icer tip and that painting buttercream is totally a thing you can do without being a Level 99 Cake Wizard. Watercolor cakes, here I come...

Plus, the eating it part is a lot of fun, too.

 While my red frosting was more of a sunburned pink that didn't match the cake's color, it was still obviously a watermelon on the outside at least. I'm calling it a victory, which is exactly what I needed after a week that pretty much beat me up and took my lunch money every day. I was reminded very much so of the happiness baking and decorating cake gives me; creating something out of nothing is a satisfying feeling. I then realized my stress and anxiety levels hadn't been kept in check without my hobby to occupy me--it had been a full MONTH since I baked a cake (there was this Butterfinger pie though that I'm still dreaming about). As a result, I've made it a priority to bake and decorate one awesome cake a month--because cake is so much cheaper than therapy or running away to Canada. I'm also not sure, but I highly doubt a therapist wants you eating cake for half of a session, and I know TSA would take it and eat it, so there's that, too. And this cake is simply way too delicious to give up. The fact that it's also positively adorable (but not too adorable to be safe from my sweet tooth) would brighten up even the grumpiest of grumps (Hi.). 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

All the vibes of a real watermelon, but without any of the nutritional benefits!