Just Add Jif

When I really like something, I tend to go a bit overboard with it. For instance, if I find a cute top that fits me perfectly, I have to go back and buy it in every color available. There was also the time I figured out I liked avocado and decided it had to be put in every meal I ate for a solid month. Oh, and there's my collection of hedgehog-related merchandise ranging from socks to hedgie salt and pepper shakers. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I make the decision to fall in love with something, I believe only in whole-assing it; there's no half-assing allowed. I'm a woman of few feelings, so when I commit to actually experiencing a modicum of pure joy, I tend to zero in on my poor unsuspecting subject with a laser-like intensity best described as "shark at a feeding frenzy." It's been no secret to many that I'm simply nuts about peanut butter (see what I did there?), and I am still relatively new to mixing peanut butter and chocolate, so it has been my go-to dessert flavoring in recent months. I'm nothing if not efficient in making up for lost time. So when a friend of ours who is even more obsessed with PB&C than I am had a birthday party, it was pretty much a given that I'd be bringing some form of chocolate-peanut-buttery goodness with us. Enter the chocolate fudge peanut butter cake...

I'll take this time to also mention it is topped with both Reese's Minis and Reese's Peanut Butter Chips. Like I said, feeding frenzy.

There is both a layer of fudge and a layer of peanut butter cream cheese resting comfortably between the dark chocolate cake and Cool Whip topping layered in more fudge and what some people might consider enough peanut butter toppings to incite a peanut allergy simply by looking at it. And yet, still under 300 calories a slice. I'm a really efficient glutton. I knew I was going to want room in my food log for both appetizers and dessert, so I opted to make this as low in sugar as humanly possible. Funny thing about that sugar--the stuff is just loaded with calories; so by lowering the sugar in the recipe, I was able to take this from over 600 calories a slice (even for 20 slices!) to 276 calories a slice (for 20 slices total). You know, so you can have your seven-layer dip, enough tortilla chips to hate yourself, a main course, and a slice of cake without having to run a 5k before eating to your heart and/or stomach's content. I won't lie to you--my favorite part of the day is anytime I'm eating.

Needless to say, Betty is my homegirl.

 I'm still sticking with the diet soda/cake recipe that I've found to be tried and true, and most importantly, delicious. Now, your cake won't have a bakery-level of density to it this way, but like I said, I want to be able to have my ten pounds of Tostitos and enjoy some dessert, too, so having a chocolate cake that isn't as hefty as an actual brick is helpful in that regard. I save those dense chocolate (and possibly booze-filled) cake days for rough times when I want to eat something as heavy as my soul feels, like NFL Sundays when my team goes from a 35-point lead to somehow losing in the last two minutes. As a Vikings fan, this happens with a little too much frequency. I digress...to make the cake, all you need is:

• 10 ounces of diet soda (Coke, root beer, creme soda, something non-citrus)
• 2 egg whites
• 1 box of Betty Crocker chocolate cake mix of your choice. I like the pudding in the mix cakes because they are quite moist (even if I hate the word moist).

Grease a 9x13 cake pan and preheat the oven to 350. Mix all ingredients in a stand mixer for 2 minutes and turn into the pan. Bake for 22-25 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out cleanly. Baking with the soda always speeds up whatever the cook time on the box is by 5-10 minutes, so keep that in mind. While baking, lay out the rest of your ingredients...

I accidentally ate a few of these Reese's Minis. I had literally no control over what was happening. They just somehow ended up in my mouth.

You'll also need:

• 12 ounces of Cool Whip Free, divided
• 12 ounces of sugar free hot fudge sauce
• 8 ounces of reduced fat cream cheese, softened
• 1 cup of creamy JIF (there are literally no substitutes. Get your life together and just add Jif.)
•  Reese's Minis, chopped (I used 8)
• Reese's Peanut Butter Chips (a small sprinkling)
• 1 tablespoon of Hershey's lite chocolate syrup

Things got stabby.

Let the cake cool completely and then poke some holes into it with a fork. Nuke your hot fudge for 45 seconds, stir like crazy, and dump the whole bottle over the cake, spreading it out so it fills in the holes. Technically this makes this a poke cake, but adding another word to an already really long cake name felt unnecessary and cruel, like having to share a Reese's Mini.

I would've eaten it as is, but there were two more layers to go.

 Take your cake and put it in the freezer to let the fudge set while you make your peanut butter cream cheese. In your stand mixer, blend the softened cream cheese with the peanut butter until totally incorporated. Then add in 8 ounces of Cool Whip Free and mix well. At this point, I'm surprised the good people at Cool Whip haven't contacted me about a sponsorship opportunity because I use this stuff almost as much as I use toothpaste. Yes, that means multiple times a day, every day. Whole-assing, people...

Dump your peanut butter cream cheese on top of your set fudge layer (I froze my cake for 15 minutes).

Spread evenly over the cake; be sure to wait to lick the spatula clean until after this has been taken care of.

 Place your cake back into the freezer for an hour to let the peanut butter layer firm up. I used this time to hop online and try to find more peanut butter Halo Top. It's my all-time favorite ice cream now, so naturally it's become my White Whale, and I can't find it in stock anywhere. I assuaged my sadness with another Reese's Mini. I get the feeling you all understand how hopelessly obsessed I am with peanut butter by now. I'd like to thank my dogs for constantly needing walks, my elliptical, and Jillian Michaels for making my fat kid eating habits possible.

And to the good people at Cool Whip...

 Once firmed up, spread the remaining Cool Whip Free on top of your cake. I promise you, this is the final layer. So if you're looking at the depth of your pan and wondering if this cake is going to have a muffin top situation, rest easy. You'll be able to mostly close the lid on your pan. Mostly.

Worth it.

Pictured top left: what the desk looks like at my home office when I have a grant to write.

 Set your cake aside and chop up 8 Reese's minis. I was intending on using 10, so I unwrapped 10, but then I realized I didn't need that many and made the ultimate sacrifice and ate 2 more Reese's Minis. They were unwrapped...what was I gonna do? Throw them away? Share them with my husband? I'm only human.

Drizzle the chocolate syrup on top of the Cool Whip layer. No rhyme or reason to my pattern here. I call it, "Chocolate sauce meets left-hander."

Then sprinkle the chopped up Mini's.

And finish with a smattering of the PB Chips.

 End result: a beautiful mess of Cool Whip, chocolate syrup, and several varieties of Reese's:

And it took my breath away. Well, there was some wheezing and a little drooling.

 This did not disappoint. While the cake and Cool Whip are light and airy, it is definitely needed thanks to the indulgence that is not one, but two layers of extra chocolate and peanut butter amazingness. Each forkful was met with the perfect ratio of Reese's toppings, peanut butter cream cheese, and insanely gooey fudge. I was seriously busy this week, so I didn't have a lot of time to spend on baking (which is both good and bad...good: I don't get to pig out; bad: I don't get to pig out). This cake comes together with total ease and not a ton of time constraints. Baking is quick, decorating simple, and the end result is worthy of anyone who appreciates peanut butter. Thanks to the folks at Reese's for coming up with a ridiculous amount of peanut butter and chocolate dessert offerings, I'm already wondering if it's possible to make a pie crust out of mostly peanut butter cups. Clearly, I'm gonna have to find out. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Peanut butter and delicious.

An Apple Multiple Times a Day?

I eat an apple every day either with my lunch or for a snack, and I can confirm that the adage is true--an apple a day does keep the doctor away. This could also be due to the fact that unless one of my appendages is falling off, I refuse to step foot in a hospital...but I'd like to thank the apples first and foremost. It had been awhile since I had eaten or even made an apple-based dessert, but I wasn't jonesing for a pie since we had that last week. This then led me to ponder one of life's great mysteries--why aren't there more apple desserts? Why must it just be the pie where we let apples shine? Why do I think this is one of life's great mysteries? Do I care too much about dessert? Does one bad apple really spoil the whole bunch? Somehow the answer to all of these questions was yes, even where it didn't make any sense. But I took that yes and I turned it into a cake. A delicious, apple-filled cake. A cake so good it can stand on its own, or be served a la mode, or even become a syrup sponge for breakfast. A shining example of how you can eat an apple a day, multiple times a day! Take that, healthcare industry.

It's also pretty! And although that does nothing for taste, it still accounts for something.

And now's the part where I get to boast that you get to top the cake with ice cream, syrup, or powdered sugar because one slice is only 170 calories. A slice of apple cake a day will also keep the stretchy pants at bay! This is an 8" round cake, but it is a bit tall, and I knew there was no way I could eat it without trying it with ice cream and caramel drizzle at some point, so this whole cake breaks down into 170 calories per slice for 10 slices total. And now I'm doing apple math. Something I haven't done since elementary school where I always questioned why one person would have 15 apples and if another person took 4 of those apples how many person one would have left...like I would ever share my apples with anyone. I might need them all for snacking. Kate doesn't share food!

Especially if it contains brown sugar.

This cake does not require any crazy ingredients; hell, it barely even requires any sugar. Which is sometimes a cautionary tale in how to dessert properly, but I promise you this is plenty decadent thanks to lemon zest and Golden Delicious apples. To make this culinary masterpiece, gather up:

• 2 large Golden Delicious apples (~1.5 lbs)
• 1/3 cup brown sugar (I like the taste of dark better than light since it has more molasses in it and packs more flavor) 
• 2 eggs
• 1 large lemon
• 1 cup of loosely packed flour
• 1/8 tsp of salt
• 3 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 cup + 1 TBS  skim milk

Start by greasing an 8 or 9 inch round cake pan and preheating the oven to 350. In your stand mixer bowl, dump the eggs, sugar, and zest of the large lemon. Save the rest of the lemon...you need it in a minute! Whip on medium high for 5-10 minutes, until your mixture goes from looking like this:

Sad and not at all appetizing.

 To this:

Fluffy and downright tasty-looking.

While your mixture is getting all poofy and delicious in the mixer, peel your apples and core them. Slice into thin, uniform size:

Saving some of the prettiest slices for the top of the cake, naturally.

Take your lemon, cut it into slices, and squeeze over your apple slices to keep them from getting that weird brown funk that normally occurs when apples sit out for too long. No one wants to eat a cake with funky apples. Once you're done mixing the eggs, sugar, and lemon zest, dump in the flour, salt, and baking powder. Blend on low while pouring in all the milk. Up the speed on your mixer a bit and blend until everything is nicely incorporated. Finish up by folding (by hand!!) in all but about 12 slices of apple into the cake batter.

Would eat with a spoon.

Bang your pan on the counter to distribute batter and apples evenly throughout the pan. Then take the apple slices you set aside, and place them into the top of the batter. I just made a simple circular pattern, but feel free to get crazy with it and make a work of art. I was getting too hungry for cake at this point to channel my inner Van Gogh.

Plus I thought this looked pretty in its simplicity. That's also what I'm going with.

And brown sugar sprinkles make everything look 10 times more appetizing anyway.

I sprinkled an additional tablespoon (included in calorie count) of brown sugar on top of everything because it was either that or the tablespoon of sugar was going directly into my mouth. I told you, I was hungry. Now, bake in the center of your oven for 30-35 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out of the cake cleanly.

Your house will smell like the most American of dreams.

So apple pie fresh out of the oven is such a quintessentially American smell...but I just out-America-ed apple pie. My house smelled so deliciously apple-y, George Washington would have been proud. Or at the very least, mildly amused by my steadfast determination to enjoy apples. Let your cake cool on a cooling rack for about a half an hour, then, find some powdered sugar and dust a bit on top:

Much like brown sugar sprinkles, this is mostly just to make the cake even prettier.

 Serve yourself a slice after you dust it with sugar and it is still fresh from the oven. It will change you as a person, I promise. The lemon zest mixes with the apples and hint of brown sugar to create a taste that is leaps and bounds above a simple apple pie filling. Not to mention its ensconced in cake and not pie crust. Unfortunately, cake can't stay piping hot out of the oven forever, but luckily, there is this wonderful invention called the microwave. I see you're familiar with this concept. I've been storing my cake in the fridge and reheating for 30 seconds a slice.

You can't even tell its microwaved!

 Is it still good? You bet your apple-bottomed jeans they are. Want to make it even better? Add apple's best friend, caramel, to the top of the cake with a nice drizzle of caramel syrup. If it's before 11 a.m. and you feel like someone might judge you for using caramel syrup that early in the day (maybe it's been a rough morning and you just need it, okay?!), you can always opt for a nice drizzle of maple syrup instead. Not gonna lie, we've been feasting on this for brunch all weekend, and it pairs perfectly with a cup of hot tea and some scrambled eggs...also swimming in syrup. Just the eggs though. My tea gets honey. I'm not a total heathen. I'm trying to decide which way I enjoy eating this cake the most...plain, for brunch, or for super dessert with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and I really can't decide. I'm simply bananas about apples, so clearly I could eat this with every meal of the day and be one happy, apple-filled camper that never caps out her health insurance premium. Who said eating healthy had to mean giving up taste? Not I. So go forth and make this apple cake! Ditch the pie! Save comparing apples to other apples for another day. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

The apple of my eye is made of cake, and that is in no way surprising.

Floats and Dreams

If any of you were chronicling my weekend updates on Facebook, you already know I spent Saturday in what I would consider to be my most massive cheat day since college when I ate and drank with the reckless abandon only a 20-year-old's metabolism can survive. Ten years later, eating like this occurs once every equinox or solstice. Between nearly licking the plate clean for brunch, eating my Texan, cattle-loving heart out at a burger battle, and polishing the day off with a pound of froyo with all the fixins, I thought surely I wouldn't grow hungry for at least 48 hours. Imagine my surprise when I awoke at 5 a.m. the next morning to feed the dogs and was immediately met with the pangs of hunger rumbling forth from my apparently insatiable stomach. I've known since I was a child that I'm the only person in the world whose eyes are actually smaller than their stomach. Although I could probably still polish off eight pancakes before becoming physically ill, my adult forethought keeps me from rehashing childhood mistakes. If only my adult body could figure out how to utilize motor functions better than my childhood one...baby steps. Literally. So I spent Sunday making good choices (well, dietary ones anyway) and decided to stop the insatiable stomach growling with hearty, healthy foods that wouldn't require stretchy pants or ten hours of circuit training to recover from. One of those choices even included pie. My will to treat myself while also not requiring a two-person team to fit me into my skinny jeans has caused me to craft another low calorie delight: root beer pie.

Solids are usually more satisfying than liquids.

I saw this recipe on a Buzzfeed Tasty video and decided I could hijack the original and make it much, much lower in calories with a few simple tweaks. When I asked my husband if he wanted root beer pie for dessert this week, he was both confused and extremely delighted that this could possibly be a thing. There's this magical occurrence at the bottom of a root beer float; the ice cream has melted and mixed in with the root beer, creating an amalgamation of hopes, dreams, and deliciousness. That is exactly how this pie tastes. It is cold, refreshing, and tingles the taste buds for only 170 calories a slice for 8 servings. Any time I can eat a slice of pie with fewer calories than a mini muffin, it justifies why I believe in eating pie for breakfast. Give it a chance. The only thing stopping pie from becoming a breakfast food is people's inability to think outside the box! I also feel strongly about eating breakfast for dinner, so I'm all about squashing food norms.

It also has fewer ingredients than a mini muffin.

Five minutes is all that stands between you and the creation of this pie. It is the easiest thing you can make all week, and apparently in the world I live in, appropriate for every meal. All you need for life-changing root beer pie is:

• 12 ounces of diet root beer
• 1/4 cup skim milk
• 1 package Jello sugar free instant vanilla pudding
• 8 ounces of Cool Whip Free
• 1 reduced fat premade pie crust
• Optional: root beer concentrate to add into piping Cool Whip

Whisking is a good bicep workout..

Start by adding the root beer, milk, and pudding mix to a bowl. Whisk for 2 minutes until the pudding mix has started to thicken. Then, dump in the 8 ounces of Cool Whip and stir. Things will taste plenty root beer-y, but if you're crazy into root beer for some reason, you could always add a 1/4 tsp of root beer concentrate to the pie mix for extra oomph. Pour the filling into the crust:

Alllllmost spilled over. Would've cleaned up. With a straw.

This was a very full pie, so I placed a baking sheet underneath it before putting it into the freezer to chill for 4 hours. Literally does not get any easier than that. It's more difficult to drive to the store and buy a premade pie in its entirety. There's traffic, trying to find parking, and don't even get me started on generally having to interact with the public.

See, root beer concentrate is totally a real thing. Photographic proof that it is not the Sasquatch of extracts.

Once my pie had frozen through, I mixed a small amount of Cool Whip Free with 1/4 tsp of root beer concentrate and loaded up into a piping bag fit with a #32 tip. I wanted to create a fancy-looking border that wasn't the standard 1M star border or 2D rose border I usually do with pies. I'm trying new things here, people. For someone who plans out an entire week in advance down to the outfits I'm going to wear, this is a small step towards rebellious behavior for me. I realize my OCD planning makes me about as exciting as watching paint dry, but I'm the person you go to when you need a good plan or a good pie, so I got that going for me.

To make the braid, start by piping a small parenthesis --> (

Take your piping nozzle and place it in the middle of the parenthesis. Pipe an overlapping parenthesis that covers half of the one on the bottom.

Repeat for the entire pie. The ending can get tucked away and hidden on the edge of the pie. I do love being able to cover up my mistakes. I mean, who doesn't. It's kinda this thing called human nature, I suppose.

It's glowing for a reason. A pie so good, it is actually heavenly.

 You will want to keep this pie in the freezer until you're ready to serve. About an hour before you might want pie (this is literally every hour of my life), cut your slice and place into the fridge to soften. I made the mistake of cutting our pie last night right after dinner and promptly forgot to put it in the fridge (Bob's Burgers was on. I already told you how much I love things relating to cow). When I went to grab our pie an hour and a half later, it was mostly melted but still tasted absolutely amazing. I consider this to be a testament to the recipe itself. I enjoyed this pie so much I had an actual dream about it; so naturally I woke up really hungry again and wondering when my next chance would be to eat a slice. My husband is working tonight and I don't want to short him on pie servings (I may be boring, but I am at least considerate), so it will be a day sans pie for me. But it doesn't have to be for you! Make the pie and awaken your inner root beer lover. It's still in there--buried since childhood, waiting to relive the glory of root beer float magic. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

It will make all your floats and dreams come true. If they involve root beer, anyway.

Where Have You Been All My Life, Carrot Cake?

A few weeks ago I was perusing the grocery store for some brunch eats. I stumbled upon a mix of half a dozen cranberry mini muffins mixed with half a dozen mini carrot cake muffins. I bought them because I'm absolutely obsessed with cranberry muffins and figured I'd just feed the carrot cake muffins to my husband. He instead got sent on a TDY, so there I was, face to face with half a dozen muffins that I couldn't bring myself to throw away. To me, carrot cake has always been a large joke that I feel like other people didn't realize was being played on them--there's vegetables in your dessert, people!! But since I'm on this whole kick where I try things I used to hate as a child (I believe this is called "adulthood," but not 100% certain), I decided to eat a damn mini carrot cake muffin. I figured if it was as terrible as I remembered, it could at least be finished in one bite. Flash forward to me eating them by the handful and wondering why my childhood taste buds hated me so much. I mean, McDonald's for every meal, tiny Kate? Intense hatred of avocado? Refusal to eat hibachi? I had issues, man. And now I try to make up for lost time by piling avocado on everything, munching on salads with ginger dressing at least once a week, and, apparently, eating carrot cake like it's going out of style. It has only been two weeks since the mini carrot cake muffins changed my life, but like any grown woman with a bank account and no one to enforce rules about boundaries (I believe these are called "parents," but not 100% certain), I decided it was time to make my own. A twist on a traditional carrot cake muffin, these are filled with Craisins instead of raisins because like I said, hugely obsessed with cranberries, and, naturally, super low cal and delish.

But they don't look it, and that's what matters.

This recipe makes a baker's dozen (that's thirteen muffins for those of you who somehow managed not to become a foodie as an adult), and they're each only 110 calories a pop...and that's with some extra toppings!! I thought perhaps my head was imploding after I did the math, but it turns out I was just on day four of a sinus headache and my brain was responding to the pain of slowly turning into a balloon too large for my cranium. I rechecked my math to be certain (thankfully calculators are still a technology not too advanced for a thirty-something to use). Number crunching aside, I recommend making these due to the sheer fact that they make your home smell like a maple-cinnamon wonderland. And they taste like one, too! I had originally intended for these to be cupcakes, but honestly, they are perfect for brunch. They're not too sweet, but with the addition of crushed pineapple, maple syrup, and Craisins, they just scream breakfast decadence. I topped them with Cool Whip Free, cinnamon, and a caramel-covered raisin. I've never been more eager to get up in the morning as I am now that these are waiting for me to eat (trying not to do that by the handful).

It's a large line up.

I've yet to make any claims about low ingredient numbers because it's rather obvious this is an "everything but the kitchen sink" kind of recipe...which is totally fine because you can add or adapt these to fit your taste preferences. As long as the carrot is still in there, it's technically a carrot cake muffin, so have a little fun breaking the rules for once (this is more a reminder for me than you. Breaking the rules makes me twitchy). To make these round up:

• 1 1/2 cups All Purpose flour
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon*
• 1/2 tsp ground ginger
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2/3 cup cinnamon applesauce*
• 2 eggs
• 1/3 cup sugar free Hungry Jack maple syrup
• 1 1/2 tsp vanilla
• 1/4 cup crushed pineapple
• 1/4 cup reduced sugar Craisins (can replace with regular raisins)
• 2 cups shredded carrots 

*If you only have regular applesauce on hand, use a tablespoon of cinnamon.

Start off by preheating your oven to 350. Line a muffin tin with liners and spritz with Pam. Applesauce makes for a dense muffin/cupcake, so if you're not using foil liners, the cooking spray will be needed unless you enjoy ingesting tiny scraps of cupcake liner that won't peel off the muffin. I'm not judging...maybe you just really like fiber. Mix together the flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and salt in a large bowl and set aside.

I'm still getting used to carrots mingling freely with pineapple and cranberries.

 In a stand mixing bowl, blend the applesauce, eggs, syrup, and vanilla until you've got a nice sloshy mixture. Add in the Craisins, pineapple, and carrots. Blend well in short bursts so the Craisins stay...craisiny. Dump half the dry mix in with the wet and blend well, scraping the bowl before you add in the rest of the dry mix. Don't over mix, but make sure your ingredients have all be incorporated nicely.

Things will be chunky, and that's okay.

 I'm still getting used to experimenting with textures and food. This was why I hated avocado, mashed potatoes, and carrot cakes until recent years. Foods that look lumpy but taste smooth in texture really freaked out my childhood sense of reasoning, apparently. I used a cookie scoop to plop my muffin mix into the cups so they were 3/4 full:

Pay no mind to my disgraceful muffin tin on the right.

 I smoothed out the tops of these muffins with a spoon so they would at least look pretty and not lumpy. I baked until a toothpick came out clean, and this hit at the 20 minute mark. Let them cool on a rack in the tin for 10 minutes before you remove them and allow them to finish cooling.

This will be tricky. Because they will smell like an absolute dream.

 My house has never smelled more distinctly Canadian than the moment these cinnamon and maple-syrup infused muffins came out of the oven...and this is coming from a woman who regularly uses maple syrup wax melts. I really love maple, okay? And Canada. I'm obsessed with Canada. From its beautiful landscape to its equally beautiful people and prime minister, it's a fine place to be. Both literally and figuratively, eh.

I hear Justin Trudeau's smile can cure cancer, just sayin'.

Let these muffins cool in the fridge for a half hour before frosting. You could call it a day here and have a muffin distinctly for breakfast, but since I'm trying to blur the lines between brunch and dessert so that I can have more of both, I went with a simple cinnamon whipped topping. Added sweetness appropriate for a.m. or p.m. time frames! Bless the versatility of the carrot cake and my overarching desire to always be full of cake.

Cake and Kate go together. Just ask the name of the blog.

 To frost, I used half a large tub of Cool Whip free, a dusting of cinnamon, and single Sun-Maid caramel salted yogurt raisin. I don't care who you are or how much you hate raisins (which I assume would be most people between age 5 and 75), these yogurt-covered raisins are literally the best thing to ever happen to raisins since someone figured out how to turn them into wine. Buy them; love them.

Along with this giant French decorating tip.

 My tub of Cool Whip was somehow partially frozen even after sitting out for like two hours. This meant the not frozen part had gotten a little soupy, so my French tip decorating ideas didn't really hold up well (literally). Things started to get a little soggy and melty, but thankfully the cinnamon covered most of that up. I used a large Ateco French tip and piped a large mound in the middle of the muffin-cupcake. When I had a substantial puff of Cool Whip, I pushed my tip down into the mound and pulled away quickly to create a little pillow puff lined with greatness:

And finished off with said life-changing raisin on top and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

 Had my Cool Whip been less temperamental than me after not eating for more than three hours, this would've looked prettier, but still, I couldn't wait to get my hands on one or five. Seriously--I'm probably turning my skin orange by sheer amount of carrot products consumed. I absolutely adore the flavor mix between the pineapple and the Craisins. It's a great, soft texture that bursts with flavor. And when you finish eating one, your hands will smell like maple and cinnamon. I defy you to be in a bad mood when your fingers smell like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It simply isn't possible. This is probably why Canadians are so damned friendly. If I always smelled of maple syrup, cinnamon, and could eat poutine whenever the hell I wanted, it might not cause me physical pain to smile daily or even hourly. Lofty goals, but with carrot cake, all things are possible. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I'm only smiling now to practice unhinging my jaw to eat these in one bite...

Peanut Butter is My Life Force

I eat an abnormally large amount of peanut butter for a grown woman. Seriously, I eat an average of three and a half PB&J's a week (I share with my dogs). Is it healthy? Sorta. Better than nachos every day. Do I have issues coming up with creative lunches? Obviously. But I eat lunch at work and hate drive-thru's. My peanut butter consumption tends to skyrocket to epic, dare I say, nutty proportions during Lent. It's my go-to Friday protein. I had peanut butter on graham crackers for dinner last Friday (in my defense, my husband was gone, and I clearly need adult supervision). I divulge all this not because I think I have a problem (I know I do) but because I was hit with a massive craving for a peanut butter and chocolate dessert last weekend. And when you eat several gallons of Jif in a week, a craving like that is both insane and insatiable. I've been seeing far too many Reese's chocolate egg commercials and Tasty videos using them lately, and apparently I'm susceptible to advertisements. Who knew? ...I ask as I sit wearing Adidas track pants, a new Fitbit adorning my wrist, drinking Coke Zero, eating only the finest of name-brand cheesy crackers (Cheezits, clearly, because Cheese Nips are for plebeians). I needed to make a dessert that was dripping with peanut butter and drenched in chocolate yet also kind on the hips. While most would say this is an impossible feat, I saw it as a challenge. And as literally the most competitive person on the planet (I dare you to say otherwise), I knew I had to come up with the perfect treat. And like any Type-A person, I did, and then I even rubbed my own face in it. Told you..so competitive I even mock myself. Good thing I had these peanut butter cheesecake bars with chocolate crunch crust to soothe my self-inflicted jeering.

Shut myself right up, I did.

I know in no way does it seem remotely possible by looking at them, but at 158 calories a bar, these are completely guilt free. I even used incredibly limited amounts of sugar because now I'm watching my sugar intake since apparently I was enjoying life too much so I had to find some other habit to cut back on. Catholic guilt is real, y'all. Just ask all those poor fish I've been consuming the past five Fridays. I wasn't sure how cutting back on the sugar was going to impact the cheesecake layer, but thankfully it turned out okay. And by okay, I mean these are literally the best dessert bars I've ever eaten in my entire life. I love Nestle Crunch bars. I feel like they're extremely underrated. So if you're like me, the chocolate crunch crust is going to make your taste buds quite happy. And if you also inhale peanut butter at a rate some people might find "mildly startling," you're going to be pleased with the cheesecake layer, too. Oh, and these are no-bake and can be thrown together in ten minutes. Did I mention I'm the laziest Type-A person ever? Because I am.

What? You don't buy your peanut butter by the pound?

I'm fairly certain that Rice Krispies hasn't changed their cereal box since the year I was born. I'm as classic as a box of Kellogg's, baby. These bars are quick to make and require only a short list of ingredients. If you buy Jif in ten-pound jars and always have Cool Whip handy for those moments when a spoonful of sweetness means the difference between utter meltdown and total sanity, you're already there (and my kind of person). To make, gather up:

• 1 cup of semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 TBS skim milk
• 3 TBS honey
• 1 cup of creamy Jif, divided
• 3 cups Rice Krispies
• 1 8-ounce tub of fat free cream cheese spread at room temp
• 1 8-ounce tub of Cool Whip Free
• 2 TBS sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract

Start by lining a 9x13 pan with Parchment paper and lightly misting with cooking spray. Honey and peanut butter are about sticky as a standard four year old, so don't skimp on the cooking spray or these bars will be glued to the paper. Then prepare yourself for a crappy photo montage!

So many spoons were used in the making of this dessert.

In a bowl, dump the chocolate chips and milk and heat in 30 second bursts at 50% power in the microwave. Stir each time to avoid scorching. Burnt chocolate is my mortal enemy. Once completely melted and no chunks remain, add in the 3 TBS of honey and 1/4 cup of Jif. Blend well!

This is the only way I'm eating Rice Kripsies ever again.

 Dump 3 cups of Rice Krispies in a large bowl, and then pour the chocolate mix on top. You'll get a nice bicep workout blending this thoroughly.

Worth it.

 Turn into the prepared pan. I highly advise also spraying your hands with cooking spray at this point to keep the crust from sticking to you. Not that that's a bad thing considering you then get to eat it off of your hands, but you want the majority of the crust to end up in the 9x13 pan:

Like so.

 You will need to press and smooth out the crust to evenly distribute it across the pan. Hold off on eating the crumbs off your finger until you're done with this part.

Hmmpphhhyum. No English words accurately describe this photo.

Set aside and avoid the temptation to just eat all the crust. To make the filling, mix together 1/2 a cup of Jif and the tub of fat free cream cheese in a stand mixer until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Scrape the sides of the bowl and then add the 2 TBS sugar, 1 tsp vanilla, and tub of Cool Whip Free. Blend until well incorporated.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese(cake).

 Take this delicious blob of peanut butter wonder and dump on top of the crust. I'd like to tell you the crust lust and desire to eat it gets covered up by this cheesecake layer, but that would mean my pants would burst into flame.

And I really like these Adidas track pants.

 Smooth out the cheesecake layer, and then take the final 1/4 cup of Jif and melt it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Literally the only way peanut butter tastes any better is when its melted (see apple nachos).

I'm the Jackson Pollock of peanut butter paintings.

 By the spoonful, plop the melted peanut butter randomly on top of the cheesecake layer.

And also the Salvador Dali, apparently.

 Take a butter knife and slowly drag in back and forth lines to create pretty swirls with the peanut butter in the cheesecake. To avoid diving mouth first into the pan, cover and place into the freezer. Let these set overnight if possible. If you're in an extreme PB&C emergency, check to see if they're set around the 5 hour mark. Waiting, always the hardest part.

And yet always so, so worth it in the peanut buttery end.

 Once these are set, you can either lift the whole slab out by the Parchment paper or cut in the pan. I divvied these up into 20 squares to equate to 158 calories a square.

And clearly, size was not skimpy.

 Only way to make these even better? A drizzle of sugar free chocolate sauce and half a square of insanely rich Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt affixed to the middle. I happened to have these Lindt chocolates on hand because my husband loves me and even though I begged for a Fitbit for our anniversary on the 7th, he still felt it was weird to give his wife a fitness tracker for an anniversary. So to remind me I asked for the Fitbit and he thinks I am in no way out of shape, said chocolate bar was found along with my present. Smart man. I've been eating the bar one square at a time, but when I wanted a square AND a peanut butter cheesecake bar for dessert (dream big), I checked with my Fitbit to make sure such luxuries were affordable, and they so were. I realize one day when Google Skynet takes over, I'll be the first in line to welcome our new robot overlords because they make my life easier and less guilt-ridden. And I won't have to share my dessert with them which is great because an entire pan of these bars simply isn't enough. They're so good I'd like to be buried with the recipe and embalmed with peanut butter. Although, if I keep eating the stuff at this rate, I'll do that on my own. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I'm probably 40 percent peanut butter at this point anyway.