Mini Apple Pies Are Here to Save Your Thanksgiving

Is there anything worse than having to feign idle chit chat with relatives you're not even sure how you're related to over Thanksgiving dinner? Yeah, to me, that is a pure form of torture. While my go-to move is usually the post-turkey Tryptophan nap in the recliner (use it- no one will blame you), I'm here to help rescue you by bringing you a simple recipe for mini pies. Great Aunt Judy or third cousin Doug (twice removed) interrupting your football viewing with inane questions like, "Who are you again?" or "What do you do for a living?" ...simply pop one of the mini pies in your mouth and you've taken an automatic timeout to any and all conversations. Dessert game goes hard on Thanksgiving, so no one will come between a person and their pie. You're welcome.

You've saved me time and time again, pie.

I suppose you could go the extremely simple route and just make the pies using canned apple or cherry pie filling and premade crust, but I feel like when making an apple pie, you're really only going to get the best pie if you make it from fresh apples. The one exception to this rule is a McDonald's apple pie because those are sprinkled with crack.

Any kind of apple will do ya, but Granny Smith owns my taste buds.

It should come as literally no surprise that you're going to need apples (and butter) for this recipe. Since I'm baking for one while Derek is gone, I only wanted to have a few of these mini pies on hand and not an entire bushel. Three apples will make enough filling for ten mini pies, so it would be extremely easy to double the recipe and make 20 for your turkey day. Here is how the recipe breaks down:

• Three apples of your choice
• One box of Pilsbury pie crust (comes with two premade crusts)
• Three tablespoons of flour
• Six tablespoons of sugar (this is 1/4 cup plus two TBS)
• Teaspoon of cinnamon
• A few tablespoons of butter
• Optional: Mini cookie cutters in the shapes of leaves to top your pies

This part makes your kitchen smell AH-mazing.

Start by peeling your apples and then chop them into smaller than bite-sized pieces. Congratulate yourself if you can do this without accidentally skinning a knuckle or two. I know my way around a potato peeler, but what usually happens to me is I somehow manage to get a fingernail caught in there and da svidaniya, fingernail! Fortunately, this did not happen to me this time as I was alone and without adult supervision when making my mini pies. I don't care how old I am, I am constantly in need of an adult. You can ask my best friend, Manders...our relationship is forged from the fact that neither of us can properly function without some form of guidance from the other.

The makings of your Thanksgiving miracle.

Dump your apples into a bowl with the flour, sugar, and cinnamon. Mix together until the apples are all nicely coated. Now, onto the crust! You're going to need to let the crust sit out for at least 15 minutes to thaw out from being in the fridge. Then unroll it, and start looking for circular objects to help you cut your crusts.

Keeping it really classy.

I found you want a crust that is about 3 1/2 to 4 inches in diameter, so true to my OCD, I busted out my mini measuring tape and dug through my kitchen cabinets until I found a small bowl and that fantastically snazzy pink cup. The bowl was too large, but this was just right...proving that sometimes the second time is a charm- eat it, Goldilocks. I am queen of efficiency!

Up for a round of mini Frisbee, anyone?

From one crust, you can yield ten of these little bad boys. I had to reroll the dough and flatten it out once to get the last two...waste not, want not, people. Grease your muffin tin and start preheating the oven to 425. You'll have to mold these into a bit of a bowl shape and then press them gently into your muffin tin. The edges should come up just to the top of the tin.

This was before I made the extra two pies with the leftover filling and crust.
I SWEAR I did not eat two of these raw.

Take a spoon, and fill each of your pie crusts up so the filling is slightly less than brimming from the edges. I found two scoops per pie worked out perfectly. Then dot each pie with butter. You could simply cover the mini pies with the other roll of crust and slit the tops to vent, but that is so not this kind of blog. I bet if you do it that way, you're probably using the canned pie filling, too, you lazy glutton. I made half of my pies with lattice tops, so let me show you how to do that in an installment of shitty photos because the lighting in my kitchen is SHAMEFUL. I've got a bulb out, and for the life of me I cannot ever remember to change it...I really need an adult. A tall one.

I realize this looks like shredded mozzarella, but it will make sense in a minute. Start by layering three strips of pie crust on top of your pie. These can be thin or thick depending on your style preference.

Then, take your middle strip and fold it back. Place another strip of pie crust down the middle, then fold the middle strip back over on top.

Now it looks like string cheese! Take and fold back the top and bottom strips. Then lay down another thin strip of cheese crust on the left-hand side of the pie. Fold the top and bottom strips back over this portion.

Take the top and bottom strip again, and this time fold back the other sides of the crust. Put a strip of crust down on the right-hand side of the pie, and fold the top and bottom pieces back over this portion.

At this point, you can just smoosh the edges of the lattice onto the edge of the bottom pie crust. Walla!

I had to do a practice pie, and hated the way it looked, so I scrapped it and made the strips thin like they are above. I gotta be able to see that gorgeous apple, baby. For the rest of my pies, I took my mini cookie cutters from Hank's pumpkin treats and cut out leaves. Prepare yourself for another craptacular photo tutorial in 3, 2, 1...

I pressed down my trusty pink cup on the dough so I could see how many leaves would nicely fit on a pie. Turns out the third time is the charm in this instance. Tie game for me and Goldilocks.

I then used a toothpick to etch veins into my leaves.

And topped my remaining pies with the leaves in a nice, slightly overlapping cluster.

 You're good to bake at this point, but I wanted to take the pies up a notch and add an egg wash to nicely tan my top crust and to give me a glue to adhere more cinnamon and sugar to the top of my pies.

Mix one egg and a tablespoon of milk together, and some sugar and cinnamon in a separate bowl.

Brush the pies with the egg wash, then sprinkle with cinnamon sugar. Pop them in the oven for 20-22 minutes until a nice golden-brown and your house smells like the thing dreams are made of.

Droooollliiinnnnngggg....but not in the pies. Just near them.

Once cooked, give these little pieces of pure happiness plenty of time to cool. If you're overzealous and try to remove them from the tin before totally cool, they will completely fall apart on you, and there goes your excuse to get out of talking to people on Thanksgiving. I'm just trying to help you live up to your full antisocial potential. I waited a full hour until my pan was completely cool, and then used a knife to remove them after tracing around the outside edge of each pie to ensure it wasn't stuck to the pan. These are spectacular on their own, but I recommend heating them up in the microwave for 30 seconds before eating, and topping with Bluebell's homemade vanilla, as it is the best vanilla, and if you live somewhere that doesn't have Bluebell, you've got way bigger problems than trying to up your dessert game on turkey day.

Yeah, this was my dinner yesterday. See why I need an adult?

I've taken to calling them ice cream apple boats in this form, and the name sticks. They are simply decadent a la mode, and will also take you longer to savor this way which means less talky, more eaty for you. Now that I've supplied you with two really awesome apple-based desserts for Thanksgiving, use the power wisely! If there's never enough booze to get you through the holiday, go for the hard cider cupcakes. If its your talking game you want to avoid, go for these bite-sized pies. In either case, your taste buds will be quite pleased with you. So reward yourself after a hard day of marathon eating and take a nap, you crazy, food-obsessed American. God speed! 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Booze: Not Just for Beverages!

Yesterday I walked the dog in shorts and a tee. Over the course of one evening, we experienced a shitstorm windstorm that took us from summer, to fall, to full on winter. Today I walked the dog in an outfit befitting Nanook of the North: Three (yes, three) layers on top, the thickest pants I own, fuzzy socks (always with the fuzzy socks), leather gloves, a beanie, and a scarf wrapped around my neck and half of my face (Mortal Kombat style). What changed, you ask? Well, remember back in May when I told you every time Derek deploys during summer, it rains almost the entire time he's gone? Yeah, guess who just left for training for the next several weeks and apparently also controls the weather. As Derek crossed state lines into Alabama (I assume "Dueling Banjos" start up the second that occurs), he told me it was a balmy 73 degrees there. I might have died right then if I hadn't had the wherewithal to make some boozy hard cider cupcakes this past weekend to keep me warm on these cold winter nights. Good job thinking ahead and checking the forecast, past Kate...you're so smart...and bt-dubs, your hair looked great last week.

The tastes of fall!

One of my favorite parts of fall when I lived in Michigan was when it became cool enough for hot apple cider and fresh cinnamon-sugar donuts from Yates Cider Mill. I die. Seriously, its the best. So I somehow managed to find a recipe that combined the cinnamon-sugary goodness from the donuts with the crisp taste of cider into one of my other favorite treats: cupcakes. You know, with the added bonus of making them boozy, too. I've never made a boozy dessert before, but if you can have booze for breakfast (looking at you, mimosas), then why not booze for dessert, too? Its this line of thinking that is sure to make me either a buttload of money one day or land me in the looney bin. It really could go either way at this point. If anyone knows of any entrepreneurs with a screw loose, send them my way.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is super boozy!

This recipe (originally found here) is completely from scratch, and when something from scratch turns out perfectly, I really do feel superior to just about everyone on the planet for at least a solid five minutes (seven if I thought of it myself). While most people have way more important things to do with their time than perfect gluttony, I do not. Let me have my moment in the sun! If you're a social alchy like me, you will already have everything you need on hand for these cupcakes:

• One stick of softened butter (duh)
• One and a half cups of hard cider. I used Angry Orchard's Cinnful Apple (get it! Hah..)
• One cup of sugar...I realize this seems like a lot, but its sweetness tempers out, trust me.
• Two cups of AP flour
• Two teaspoons of baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon of salt
• 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon (this kind isn't so cinnful...puns for days)
• 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg
• One lonely egg
• One teaspoon of vanilla extract

The way you slap these together is pretty effortless as well. Just mix the butter and sugar together until it is nicely whipped (around three minutes on medium-high), then pour in the vanilla and egg (it will no longer be lonely once you've done this). Now comes the interesting part. You know when two girls don't like each other but they're forced into a social situation where they have to spend time with one another? This is pretty much what happens when you add in the hard cider to the buttery mix. It allows itself to get close to the butter, but since they're apparently mortal enemies (she like, totally stole that chick's boyfriend), they never fully agree to mix. So don't hurt yourself (or the innocent bystander- the mixer) by trying to spend ages getting these two things to agree with one another and fully socialize. You need a buffer. And that buffer comes in the form of your remaining dry ingredients.

 In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and baking powder. Then, about a cup at a time, add it in to the cat fight happening in your mixing bowl. Mix well, then scrape down the sides of the bowl before adding the remaining dry mix. The dry ingredients act as a wonderful buffer between your dueling cider and butter, so everything should blend together nicely like the end of the movie Mean Girls. Once well mixed, preheat the oven to 350 and line your muffin tin with liners. I chose festive fall colors, because I still believe in a full-term fall before Christmas. Apparently the weather does not agree with me, but I will continue to fight the good fight.

See, cupcakes getting along in perfect harmony, filled 3/4 of the way full.

The original recipe called for the cupcakes to cook for 16 minutes, but mine were still super goopy at this point. I cooked my cupcakes for 22 minutes until a toothpick inserted into the center came out clean. The tops will look somewhat sticky and perhaps a little undercooked, but I think this is a side effect from the booze. I mean, I know I get greasy when the stuff is seeping out of my pores, too, so there's that.

They will be a nice, tipsy golden-blonde when finished.

Did I mention the frosting also contains booze? I probably should've led with that. This recipe ends up using an entire bottle of cider, so no victory sips are allowed. Sorry.

Sugar and booze? How could this go wrong! Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.

You only need to mix together another stick of  softened butter (shock!), a teaspoon of cinnamon, and 3/4 cup of brown sugar together before adding in 3/4 cup of powdered sugar, mixing well. Scrape down the sides of the bowl (or maybe its just my mixer that sucks), and add in a tablespoon of hard cider. Repeat that last part, adding another 3/4 cup of powdered sugar and one tablespoon of hard cider. The cider will be all gone at this point, but you can totally lick the beaters if you need to.

You better believe I put a bunch of various tips on my fingers while I was trying to figure out which to use for decorating purposes, like witch's fingers.

Place your frosting into a piping bag with the tip of your choice. For a classic swirl, use a 1M. For a nice, clean rose, use a 2D tip. I wanted a French tip, so I went with Wilton's closest equivalent, the 199 tip.

I just wanted a simple swirl, so I started on the outside, and worked my way clockwise around the cupcake. I continued looping in and around...

Until I completeled my swirl by piping up a bit of excess frosting to make the tip stick up.

But nothing is ever complete without sprinkles.

This recipe yields twelve cupcakes, which is the perfect amount for two people. Or in this case, one person. Derek was able to have a fresh cupcake, and I sent one on the road with him for his journey. He made it without a "driving while intoxicated- by cupcake" citation, if you were wondering. But the other ten cupcakes are mine for the taking. It will come as no surprise that there's way less than ten left at the time of this blog. I don't care if it is so cold out I have to eat all of these in a parka in the comfort of my living room- they are just that damn tasty. I'm happy my first foray into boozecakes (possible copyright) was a success, and I'm thinking I will somehow find a way to sneak more booze into my future baking endeavors. Rum sauce apple pie? Chocolate Peppermint Schnapps cake? Yeah, the world is my drunk oyster, baby. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

So warm and fall-themed, I almost forgot its so cold I can't feel my face.

Cookies: Perhaps the Most Versatile of Treats

Don't get me wrong- as far as I'm concerned, cake will always be the tastiest dessert to ever exist, but cookies certainly can give them a run for their money: Cookie dough truffles, ice cream sandwiches, giant skillet cookies...don't even get me started on Oreo's...we'll be here all night. It had been awhile since I made cookies, so this week I went back to an oldie but a goodie: M&M cookie pie. Yes, cookies truly are a dessert that is delectable in absolutely any form. Find me a person who doesn't like cookies, and I'll show you someone who's clearly lost their mind. But I suppose in the end that just means more cookies for us. So keep on winning with this cookie pie recipe!

Plus, cookies also pair well with sprinkles, and you all know how much I love those!

 I was obviously still coming off a colorful dessert high after that sugar skull cake from last week when I decorated my cookie pie a few days ago. True to form, I'm still finding nonpareils and star sprinkles practically all over my house. When I sprinkle, I do so with some serious gusto. It would probably behoove me to throw down a painter's tarp before ever engaging in kitchen activity. The mess was worth it though because this M&M cookie pie practically melts on the tongue..you know, in your mouth, not in your hands as M&M's are supposed to. No false advertising there!

What? You don't buy your M&M's by the pound, too?

I like how they call this the "party size" bag of M&M's, like I'm ever going to share them with a damn soul. Pfft. How presumptuous. The ingredients for this pie are mostly items you probably already have stored in your pantry, minus the 35-pound bag of M&M's.  And, yes, of course there's butter. Always with the butter. It is the foundation for practically everything that has ever tasted good in the history of cooking.

I love you, butter.

Start by mixing together half a cup of brown sugar with 3/4 cup of butter at room temp, or in my case, slightly melty because I didn't want to wait that long and nuked my sticks for 30 seconds in the microwave. Make sure to scrape down the sides of your mixing bowl as it blends so you can lick your spatula after. You're welcome.

I haven't forgotten about you either, vanilla extract.

Once your glorious butter-sugar paste is mixed, throw in an egg and one teaspoon of vanilla extract. Mix together for about a minute until things are a little frothy from the egg yolk.

Where would we be without flour...

In a rather odd measurement, add in one cup and one tablespoon of flour (the All Purpose variety, as it is the most multifaceted of the flours) and 1/4 teaspoon of baking soda. You've now got the cookie dough all put together, minus the piece de resistance...the one, the only, M&M's.

I had a bit of a flour mishap, don't judge me.

Finally, add in one heaping cup of M&M's. I could've just stopped myself right there and eaten the whole cup, but I persevered knowing one of the greatest parts of making this cookie pie was on the horizon: The eating of the leftover cookie dough in the mixing bowl. It has been a few days, and I never did die of salmonella, so this only furthers my belief that raw cookie dough is too pure and delicious to ever make a living soul ill. It lives to serve your taste buds.

I had not licked this particular spatula yet. Yet being the keyword there. Hank was also helping at this point.

Preheat the oven to 325 if you don't plan on eating this whole pie raw (no judgement if you do, you're my hero), and grease a pie tin. Simply plop all your dough into the pie tin and use a spatula to smooth things out. I find it easiest to start in the middle and work outward in a spiral/circle direction to flatten everything out. I love perfection and an evenly-baked cookie pie, so that's how I got mine to behave itself. Fortunately for me, this spiraling left a lovely deposit of cookie dough on the spatula. Once done licking my spatula, I moved on to "cleaning" out the inside of my mixing bowl before actually cleaning out the inside of my mixing bowl with soap and water. This pie finishes baking around the 25 minute mark. It will need some time alone to settle and cool off before you frost it. While I usually advocate shoving things into the freezer or fridge to quicken the process, this smelled way too good to place behind closed doors, so I left it to cool for about 90 minutes. Those were the longest 90 minutes of my life. Those were like, DMV minutes or something. Painfully slow and full of massive anxiety.

Nothing, not even cookies, are complete without frosting.

I suppose you could call it a day and eat the cookie pie without any icing, but we've come this far, and what dessert isn't benefited by a nice frosting layer? None, that's what. I simply used chocolate decorator frosting so my stars would retain their shape, but any of your favorite tub icing would work here, really. I loaded up a piping bag with a 1M tip and got to work.

Simply hover the tip above the pie and pipe out a mound of stars.
Yes, very technical, I realize that...

But it looks so pretty when you're done!!

Again, you could stop here and call it a day, but what dessert isn't also benefited by a nice frosting layer WITH NONPAREILS? I mean, we're actually probably about 50/50 at this point because not everything in the world actually needs sprinkles (looking at you, regular pie), but cookie pie certainly is one of those desserts that just keeps getting funner and funner with each sprinkle added.

I started with a base coat of regular nonpareils.
The dog almost lost it because tiny sprinkles were flying EVERYWHERE,
but they're so tiny he couldn't find them. Poor Hank.

And I finished off the colorful confection with some stars.
If I had hearts, clovers, horseshoes, and balloons,
I probably would've added those for good measure, too.

There you have it! This is such an easy dessert to make, and I feel like I earned it after kicking ass and taking names with my Halloween desserts, yes, plural, last week. I realize that not every dessert has to be crazy complicated, but everything about me is crazy complicated so most of my desserts reflect that as I am the struggling artist in charge. Its been awhile, but I'm fairly certain this is another one of those "red flag" moments. Roll your eyes at my crazy all you want- but you can't deny you'd be all over this cookie pie if you were in my house right now! I mean, we've already polished half of this sucker off!

Can you blame us?

As I reel in the aftermath of Halloween (I'm already bothered by the startling amount of Christmas commercials on TV), this cookie pie is helping me transition from spooky, delectable desserts back to neutral, delicious ones. I still believe in a month called "November," so you won't catch me showing you how to bake any Christmas treats until December. I mean, we've got a whole other holiday to cover first! So leave it to me to come up with something to help you survive Thanksgiving and add to the dessert table with next week's blog. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Covering the Creepy Holiday Spectrum in an Entire Day- Kate Baked Her Ass off!

Yesterday I spent the day in the kitchen- literally. From making cranberry muffins for brunch to beer-battered fish 'n' chips for dinner, I never left. This was because I was making the fanciest of cakes while also making my foray into the cake pop world. So when it came time to run errands today, I slicked back my hair, slapped on a coat of Spackle (or makeup, not sure which), and muttered to the mirror, "This is as good as its gonna get today." My husband overheard this and managed to coddle me in a manner that involved an analogy about cake (he really knows how to handle my crazy). He told me when I put on makeup and fix my hair, its like he's getting really, really fancy cake; but even when I don't get all done up, he's still getting cake either way, and cake is awesome. Sigh, managing to intertwine my love of cake and my love of my own reflection all in one fell swoop- what a guy. He's going to be getting so much cake its ridiculous...

This is Halloween, everybody make a scene!

Pulling double duty in the kitchen this week turned out just as I had hoped. One awesome sugar skull cake for Dia de Los Muertos (Day of the Dead for those of you who do not habla the Español), and Jack O'Lantern and Jack Skellington cake pops! While the cake was somewhat time consuming because I mixed about ten thousand different dyes to make the cake colorful, the hardest part of the cake pops was waiting for them to set in the freezer. If you want to be the hit of your Halloween party next weekend, let me give you a step-by-step tutorial on how to make both of these spooktacularly tasty treats. I'll start with the beginner-level stuff for those of you who don't want a terrible challenge, but still want to look like a creative genius with these cake pops. Just don't tell anyone how easy it is like I'm doing now, or people won't be quite as impressed. The things I do for you all...

Surprisingly, not dressing for turkey.

 All you need for cake pops is a tub of your favorite flavored frosting, decorative sticks, chocolate melts in your preferred colors (orange and white in this case), a food-safe marker, and one cake- made and cooled. I actually made two cakes for my sugar skull cake, and realized I only needed one (first-world problems are still pretty awesome). I still had a ton of scraps from cutting out the skull shape, so I used these scraps to make my cake pops. Simply crumble up your cake into fine little bits. This is where I realized a food processor would be a worthwhile investment, but if I bought one, it would have to come with its own house because I have nowhere to put one in my kitchen as it is currently bursting at the seams. These are the kind of first-world problems that are not so awesome.

Also, not mayonnaise.

Once you've crumbled your cake, throw half a tub of icing into it. Things get messy here, but there's no turning back at this point...unless taking a spoon and just eating a bowl of cakey icing is your thing. I'm not judging you; it sounds like a really great idea. Mix together the frosting and crumbs. I found the easiest way to do this was by hand. And once I was done, you better believed I licked a finger or two.

I also won't judge you for eating the cake pops in this form, either.

Take a cookie scoop or a tablespoon, and go to town. You'll have to finish forming the balls by hand, but they should stick together nicely in consistency. If you want to add more frosting because you feel like they're not sticking together well enough or want a really sweet cake pop, go for it. Place your shaped cake pops onto a Parchment-lined baking sheet, and throw them in the freezer for a couple hours and go about your life. Watch a movie, eat the remaining icing, whatever. This is the chill dessert for multiple reasons. Once your time is up, empty a bag of melts into a deep microwave-safe dish. Heat for 30 seconds, mix, and repeat three times.

Take your fancy stick and dip it into the melted chocolate.
Wonder if people will judge you for your slippers.

Then skewer your pops. Give it a few minutes,
and let the chocolate harden so it glues the stick in place.

I made the mistake of not waiting long enough, and some of my pops kept falling off while I was trying to dip them into the melted chocolate. I don't blame them- I'd hang out in a giant dish of melted chocolate for as long as acceptable, too. One day...

Ahhh, serenity.

Once your sticks are in place, dip the cake pop into the melted chocolate, completely submerging it; I used a small spoon to run more chocolate on the top of my pops. I found it easiest to pull the pop straight up and out quickly, so I did not get any weird, runny action from the melted chocolate. I swept off excess chocolate by wiping the bottom of the pop on the edge of my Tupperware. This is somewhat challenging, but after a couple, you will get the hang of it and be making professional-looking pops, while eating the two wonky-ass pops for yourself. You know, to make sure they're acceptable for sharing.

Repeat the process with the other colored chocolate melts, and set everything back on the Parchment-lined tray.

Let these bad boys dry for awhile (I ate dinner and then came back to them- so I can't give you a scientific allotment of time- just enough for me to stuff my face and need looser pants). Then finish them off by drawing faces on to the pops with your food-safe pen! So easy, a child can do it! Or a grown woman on her fifth wind. Whatevs.

Spoooooky. Okay, more like, cuuuutttte.

"What's this? What's this? There's color everywhere!" (You're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head- now go watch Nightmare Before Christmas...but not until after you finish reading my blog, dammit.)

Keep these refrigerated because they are way better cold. They can keep for up to two weeks in there- which is totally unnecessary because they won't last that long. I need to find some sort of container to house these in, as they will be traveling into the great state of Texas when we go visit Derek's family next week. I imagine their simply being in Texas will make them taste even better than they already were. Now, onto the advanced portion of today's blog... I realize this is hilarious because we're starting out with box cake and a pre-made decoration, but just go with me on this.

As previously mentioned, you only need one cake for this.
Also, depending on how you decorate your skull, pre-made roses are an awesome addition to the ojos.

You will need a stupid amount of brightly-colored gel dye, multiple #3 tips, and one #6 tip.

Make your cake in a 9x13 pan, and then let it cool. While cooling, make your life supremely easier by finding a sugar skull template online, printing it on heavy-stock paper, and cutting it out. I even colored in how I envisioned my skull. This makes the decorating process about one thousand times easier because you're not going in blind (This comes from a woman who plans her week several days in advance in a planner, and gets frustrated when things do not unfold as I told them to when I wrote them down. Life, what a rude jerk.). 

I realize it looks more like a Terminator right now, but just go with me here.

Place your template on the cake, and carefully cut around it. Even if you don't plan on making cake pops at this very instant because you're not a crazy glutton for punishment and cake in many forms, I recommend saving your scraps in the fridge in case you change your mind or just want to eat them for breakfast. Word.

I may not be able to color inside the lines, but I can cut anything like a pro.

CAREFULLY transfer your skull to a decorating board. I used a large spatula and a whole lot of prayer to get this part done. Thank you, 5 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus. Whip together a batch of white frosting. For this batch with the funfetti cake, I added lemon extract instead of almond and it was ah-mazing. I recommend placing your cake in the freezer while you make your frosting so that the crumbs aren't absolutely out of control when you try to frost the sides of the cake. A few extra minutes in the freezer will save you from a crumble-addled breakdown later. Firsthand knowledge is my gift to you.

Post-breakdown, and many sighs of relief later.

Be sure to give this cake a solid crumb coat, freeze again for 20, and then put on a final frosting coat. Put it back into the freezer to let it set, and then use that handy paper towel trick to smooth out your skull. No one likes a bumpy skull in real life, or on cake. You can mix your frosting dyes while your final coat is setting in the freezer. I just used canned decorator frosting.

Yea, I ran out of couplers, so the last bag I just snipped a tiny corner off of. Ghetto, but effective. Fit the black frosting with a #6 tip because you need it to be thicker to fill in the eyes and nose. Place a #3 tip on everything else.

Now comes the fun part. I sincerely enjoy decorating this cake more than anything else I've done to this point because it allows for so much creativity and color. I have always loved the vibrancy of Dia de Los Muertos and the fact that it is a celebration of passed loved ones, so it was absolute kismet that Derek (I keep him around for infinite reasons!) suggested I make a sugar skull cake when I was contemplating what treat to make for Halloween. If you don't know much about the Day of the Dead, I recommend doing some reading over it because I feel like Mexico is doing their passed loved ones way better justice than we do with this holiday. It is simply amazing. PSA over, now back to making the sugar skull. You really can start with whatever part of the skull you like, but I went for the basics first- eyes, mouth, nose.

Oh, you're welcome for not rotating this picture.

Yes, my sugar skull does have a bitchin' uni-brow.

Fill in the eyes and nose by just tracing them in and smoothing the frosting out with a small spatula.

Then come back in and start adding details! The more color, the better. Rarely does life present me an opportunity to say that. This mantra still does not apply to fashion- keep that shit simple, people. Don't go all clowny on me.

Don't mind me, still laughing at my Terminator template. What? I find me hilarious.

Once you've finished with your frosting, simply smoosh (very technical term) the roses into the eye sockets.

I wanted to spruce up the sides of the cake, so I added S-shaped designs with dots on to the sides.

And there you have it! The hardest part of this cake really is probably mixing all the frosting. Scratch that- the hardest part of this cake is having to cut into it. I wouldn't let us touch the cake for a full 24 hours because I wanted to revel in its beauty before devouring it whole. That's the sad paradox with fancy cakes- I want to eat you because I know you will be delicious, but I don't want to eat you because you're so damned pretty. I think we all know which side of the paradox played out in this household. 

You are so beautiful, to meeeee. Until I literally cut your head off.

I still have an extra skull cake in my freezer, whose face will be decorated at a date to be later determined by yours truly. I sincerely recommend making this skull cake to wow people and then make them feel bad about eating your work of art so they'll let you drink their booze for free at their party. Cake guilt. Its a thing now. This will wrap up my blogs for Foxtober (yes, that's also a thing). I'll be back with more tasty treats in early November, I promise! For now, we will be off enjoying a trip to Tejas and time with Derek's family. Enjoy your Halloween because it is the greatest holiday ever! Try not to steal any candy from kids, and be sure to dress up like an unabashed giant child. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!