A Heart Full of Cake

Let me preface this blog by plainly stating, I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. Adjectives to describe me have never included "lovey dovey," "romantic," or "cuddly." I required six feet of personal space even before COVID, and I would rather get my eye poked than meet someone for the first time who says they're a hugger. OK, now that I've laid all this out for you, I will say I do look for any and all opportunities to make very bougie, very delicious cakes. It just so happens that Valentine's Day is a perfect chance to make such an over-the-top creation considering everything else about the holiday is very in-your-face. Who really wants a 6-foot tall, 80-pound stuffed teddy bear? No woman, that's who. We want cake. A lot of it. And preferably guilt-free. We'd also like real pockets on all our pants, but that's a whole other thing.

I can't cake my eyes off of you.

I assume normal, romantic people, that strawberries and whipped cream are definitely still a thing included on the list of "Valentine's Day Items to Woo With?" In the exaggerated spirit of the holiday, I've taken this duo to the next level and turned simple strawberries and whipped cream into what I consider a cake so cute it almost hurts my eyes. It's so pink, so whimsical, so full of...love. It melts my tiny, icy little heart, this one. It doesn't hurt that it's also SO DELICIOUS I don't actually want to share it with my husband, but in the spirit of Valentine's Day, I will. Vanilla cake layers topped with sugared strawberries, ensconced in cheesecake-flavored whipped cream frosting....if you could eat a cloud, I imagine that is what it would taste like. Light, fluffy, the perfect amount of sweetness, and so very satisfying to my sweet tooth (the only part of my body and personality that is so). It's not the lowest in calories, but for 371 calories for 12 slices total, it's still well within the realm of "feelings eating" without breaking the bank.

Yep, that's a koala in a chef's hat on a cake box. I have literally no idea why.

Still searching and trying GF box mixes, and up next: Natural Grocers brand gluten free vanilla cake mix. I will say without doctoring it in the way I did, this would be absolutely flavorless, but it yielded gorgeous, tall layers, so I'm torn. To make the vanilla cake you need:

• 1 box of white or yellow cake mix, gluten free if needed
• 6 ounces of fat free plain Greek yogurt (170 grams)
• 2 tablespoons of unsweetened applesauce (40 grams)
• 1 cup of fat free or skim milk
• 1/2 cup of egg whites (112 grams)
• 1 TBS vanilla extract
• 1 tsp almond extract --you can swap this out for either more vanilla or another flavor (lemon, butter, etc.) to give this specific brand of cake mix more flavor

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and prepare three six-inch round cake pans or two eight-inch round cake pans with cooking spray and bake even strips. Combine the cake mix and yogurt in a stand mixer on low until crumbles form, then add in the remaining ingredients, mixing on medium-high for 2 minutes. Pour into the prepared cake pans and bake for 30 minutes at 350, or until a toothpick comes out cleanly from each round. Place pans on a cooling rack for 10 minutes, then turn the cakes out to cool to room temperature before adding frosting or filling. I made this cake in two days, so I chilled my rounds in the fridge overnight, and then leveled them the next day (they domed up a bit even with the bake even strips).

Honestly, a terrible color combo in my opinion, but here we are, being bougie anyway.

While my cakes cooled, I made my sparkly hearts. All you need are pink and red chocolate melts and pink and red luster dust. All things easily found at a local craft store, or the world's craft store, Amazon.

Yes, I really suck at drawing hearts.

I didn't doodle hearts in notebooks as a young girl because I was usually too busy trying to understand why I would ever need algebra as an adult or deeply fascinated by trying to perfect that damn "S" drawing. If you were born before 1995, you know the one. 

Anyway, I used a marker on Parchment paper to trace out 12 hearts (only used 8), and then flipped it over. For my pink hearts, I melted 1 cup (160 grams) of melts following package instructions, then I poured them into a piping bag and let them sit for 5 minutes before snipping the very end of the tip. I piped and filled a whole bunch of pink hearts, using a toothpick to help even things out. I had an over abundance of melted chocolate left over, so I probably only needed 80 grams. I did the exact same thing with the red melts.

I mean, I made it to my mid 30s before not being able to freehand hearts became an issue, so...

I left these to harden for 30 minutes before coming back in with little food-safe paint brushes, and I just took little bits of luster dust and dry brushed them onto the back of each heart.

Now you're speaking my language: sparkly.

The pink was much more subtle, which is a shame, because the luster dust looked so pretty.

As a side note, I did NOT figure these hearts into the overall calorie count of the cake because I hate eating white chocolate. White chocolate is cocoa butter lying about being chocolate, and it has absolutely no place in my mouth.

Strawbs, on the other hand, most definitely do.

While your cakes and faux chocolate hearts (great idea for an emo band name) cool, you can get after the sugared berries. I chopped a 16 ounce container of strawberries into thin half-moons, and then I dumped these into a bowl with two teaspoons of Lankanto monkfruit sweetener (regular sugar also works). You want to let this sit and mix together as the berries release their juices for about a half an hour at minimum. The longer you can let these two combine, the tastier the berries will be. I did not need all of the berries; I used 2/3 and saved the leftovers for pancake or waffle toppings. Have no fear, they will be eaten.

Even if you're a diehard buttercream fan, you will love this frosting.

Whipped frosting gets a bad wrap. Unlike the whole white chocolate masquerading as something it's not, it is still frosting; it just doesn't contain a metric ton of powdered sugar, which I'm totally okay with. It's still very calorie dense, but just trust me on this one...when you mix a box of sugar free Jell-o pudding with a quart of heavy whipping cream, that's how dreams are made. 

• CHILLED mixing bowl needed
• 1 ounce box of sugar free cheesecake pudding mix (or vanilla, or strawberry if you want a pink frosting)
• 1 quart of cold heavy whipping cream
  
• 1/3 cup of Lakanto powdered monkfruit or powdered sugar

The colder your mixing bowl, the quicker this will come together. Dump the cream and pudding mix into a stand mixer with a whisk attachment. Whip on medium-high for 3 minutes, or until stiff peaks are forming and frosting sticks to the whisk when the mixer is raised:

Like so.

Finally, add in the powdered monkfruit and blend for 30 seconds. Now you're ready to assemble this monolithic cake (nothing says, "I love you," like a cake that's almost as big as those stupid giant bears).

You'll have leftover frosting and strawberries, so you know, make super sexy pancakes or something.

Find a cake plate, and place your first layer of cake face down on said plate, then plop a decent amount of frosting down, smooth it out, and top with berries. Press them gently into the frosting, and it they're all not sitting evenly, just add a smaller layer of frosting on top so the next cake layer has an even surface to sit on.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Sort of.

Add the next layer, face down, slathering with frosting, berries, more frosting if needed, then add the top layer face down.

Did I use a ridiculous amount of whipped frosting? Yes. But once you taste it, you'll know exactly why.

Now you can slather a hearty amount of this absolutely addictive frosting on the entire cake:

Like buttah.

It is very easy to smooth whipped frosting, and a few passes with the bench scraper had things looking perfect. Now, VERY IMPORTANT, before you add any hot ganache topping, you need to chill your cake in the freezer for a half an hour or things will get very melty and awful...you know, like a sobbing girl who just got dumped on Valentine's Day that's wearing a LOT of mascara that isn't waterproof...so, so runny.

And we never want cake to equal sadness.

I love the way drip cakes look, so I'm happy to report they're also relatively easy to make. I used two tablespoons (30 grams) of heavy whipping cream and 1/2 cup (90 grams) of pink melts, dumped together in a bowl, and microwaved at half power for one minute. I mixed until smooth, then added in a teaspoon of pink luster dust. I wanted more sparkles, but I didn't want to add so much that the drip wouldn't set. I pour this into a squirt bottle to actually make my drips on the top of a very chilled cake.

I only dripped on the edges since the middle is going to be covered with berries.

...and again, the taste of white chocolate causes my soul to leave my body, so I didn't want it all over the top of the cake. Once I was done gently squirting little drips all over the top edge of the cake, I placed it into the fridge to set for 30 minutes. I loaded up a piping bag with a 2D tip with frosting and gathered my sparkly hearts.

I just pipped large mounds of frosting on top. Pipe with the bag facing straight down, pushing out frosting into mounds. When done, push down a little, then pull up and away quickly.

I kinda liked the minimalist look here, but since I had inadvertently painted my hands sparkly pink and red, we were using those hearts, dammit. If my hands had to look like a Lisa Frank painting, it needed to be for good cause.

WHAT a heartthrob.

To finish, I gently placed hearts of alternating colors into each frosting mound. Then I made a "rose" in the middle by overlapping strawbs on their sides.

Honestly? That's probably my favorite part of the whole "look," and it was the easiest to do.

But we all know how much I love a good sprinkle sparkle topping.

This cake holds the key to my heart.

Yes, it's a heart full of cake.

From the bottom of my heart (you know, the pointy part), I hope if you do celebrate Valentine's Day that it's a good one. If you spend two days making and assembling a cake so pretty you may not want to eat it (you will) for your loved one, you've done a good job of expressing your heart's feelings without the need to say a single, ooey-gooey word. Is cake a love language? I feel like cake should be a love language. I'm telling you, we are firing on all flavor cylinders here with this cake. It is so light and refreshing, and those sugared berries combined with the cheesecake-flavored frosting that practically melts on your tongue...if ever I believed at love in first sight bite, it was with this cake. I may try to pen a Hallmark movie about girl who meets a cake and gets swept away. Too much? Yeah...now you know how the rest of us feel, you schmoozy Valentine's Day lovers. Go write a sonnet or something. I'll be busy hiding this cake from my husband so I don't have to share it. Hey, we all express our love differently... 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

I'll never let anyone hurt you. Except for this fork.