Trouble in Paradise

Ah yes, nothing like a tropical storm to remind me that it's probably cooler in hell right now than it is in Florida. Between the wildlife, weather, and drivers, a more accurate state motto would be, "Florida- just try to live here." We may have been stuck inside all weekend, but that meant there was plenty of time to bake! I wanted to make Derek's birthday cake a week early since we will be celebrating his birthday in Nashville next week. I took the opportunity to make him a super bright and fun cake because he's my super bright and fun husband. I chose a pineapple cake with coconut cheesecake filling and coconut cream cheese frosting to mark his big day. In hindsight, I realize I made an extremely big tropical cake during an extremely big tropical storm, so the irony isn't lost on me. You win again, Florida...

It's the pineapple of my eye.

My color palette for cakes this year is apparently, "Can it be brighter?" And I've taken it as a personal challenge that yes, yes it always can. This neon beauty screams summer (I also scream in the summer, but for very different reasons), and oh my it tastes exactly like summer should, too. Surprisingly, there is zero rum in this cake, but it is bursting with pineapple flavor in every bite. To me, the real star of the show is something you can't even see--the coconut cheesecake filling. Sure cake is great, but you know how to take it to a level you might call coco-nuts? Slap cheesecake between each layer. This is probably the best idea I'll have all year, so I'm hanging my hat on this. The coconut cream cheese frosting is also to die for, but c'mon, cheesecake layer. Inside a cake. And somehow, only 345 calories a slice for 8 slices total, or you could bump it down further to 276 calories a slice for 10 slices. Either way, this is a pre-birthday birthday cake, so the calories don't count in this house.

I mean, you could definitely add rum though.

The cake itself is extremely quick and easy to throw together. All you need is:

• 1 box of yellow cake mix (I used Whole Food's gluten free version)
• 1 can of pineapple juice (177 ml) (you could also use half a can plus half a cup of really good rum)
  
• 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce (111 grams)
• 1/4 cup of liquid egg whites or 3 egg whites (61 grams)
  

Preheat your oven to 350 and line 3 six-inch round cake pans with Parchment paper and cooking spray (you can also use 2 eight-inch rounds). Dump all cake ingredients into a stand mixer and blend on low for 30 seconds, the medium for 1-2 minutes, until everything is fully incorporated. Pour batter into prepared pans and bake for 24-26 minutes or until a toothpick comes cleanly out the center of each round.

At this point, my house smelled like a Caribbean vacation. Not gonna lie, wasn't mad about it.

Let your cakes cool in the pan on a cooling rack for 10 minutes before turning out onto the cooling rack to come to room temp before frosting. I put my rounds in the fridge while I worked on making the filling and frosting.

Jello cheesecake pudding is revolutionary. Add it to anything- your cakes, your yogurt, your heart and soul...it goes well with everything.

The filling is super simple to make, you just need:

• 1/2 a box of Jello instant cheesecake pudding mix (14 grams)
• 3/4 cup of skim or fat free milk
• 1 tsp of coconut extract
• 1 cup of Cool Whip sugar free (72 grams)

Whisk the mix, milk, and extract for 2 minutes by hand (admire your biceps; you will feel them). Place this in the fridge to firm up for 5 minutes, then whisk in the Cool Whip. Leave this in the fridge to set up while you make the frosting.

Yes, I have a set of sprinkles for literally every occasion and holiday. I may not sparkle, but damned if my baked goods don't!

I needed a crusting buttercream to make my pineapple stencil work on the sides of the cake, and even then, there was still trouble in tropical paradise. Next time, I would make my life easier by just using a cutout like I did for the top of the cake, but more on that later. To make the coconut cream cheese frosting, grab:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 the fat cream cheese at room temp (224 grams)
• 1/2 cup of light butter; I left this chilled since it is a thinner consistency (112 grams)
• 3 cups of Lakanto powdered monkfruit sweetener or powdered sugar (576 grams)
• 1.5 tsp of clear vanilla extract
• 1.5 tsp of coconut extract
• Gel dyes in lime, orange, hot pink, and yellow
• 2D piping tips
• Some annoyingly bright and chipper summertime sprinkles (I found mine at Michael's)
  
• This pineapple stencil template
  

Mix the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Add in the powdered sugar and extracts, mixing on low until things come together, then bump up to medium high until everything is well mixed. This makes a LOT of frosting. I used about 60% of it, and then had 40% leftover to maybe eat with a spoon while crying about the humidity.

In my life, there will never be enough kitchen counters for the volume of mess I make and space I take up while baking.

Now, take your cooled cakes, grab your filling, and put a little bit of frosting into a piping bag, snipping the tip (no actual piping nozzle needed). Place your first layer face down on a cake board.

Circle of life.

Now, pipe a circle of frosting around the edge of the cake, then load up the center with the cheesecake filling.

Yes, I was wearing some of the filling at this point.

Smooth this out a bit before adding your next layer and repeating the process.

Resisting the urge to start eating.

Literally sitting back to admire my handy work and/or willpower to not dive head-first into this cake.

Now, place a nice thick layer of frosting all over your cake, smoothing out as needed. Chill this for 30 minutes in the fridge, then come back and use a Viva paper towel to gently smooth out any uneven areas of frosting.

The Exact-o knife has become a critical kitchen tool.

While your frosting is chilling, go ahead and make the pineapple outline for the top of the cake. I used Parchment paper, drew a pineapple on it, and cut out the inside with my trusty Exact-o knife.

Soon, you will have sprinkles.

Gently secure this to the top of the cake, pressing in at the little grooves so the paper is flush with the top of the cake.

It was clearly pine-ing for sprinkles.

Now gently press a handful of sprinkles into the top of the cake. I took my time with this, putting in different sizes of sprinkles where it would best define the pineapple shape. Now, go put this in the FREEZER for 15 minutes while you dye your frosting. You need a very chilled cake to stencil on, or things will get sticky and hard to manage, like me after several tropical adult beverages.

...It's an honest assessment.

I was quite sticky after dying all my frosting, but there wasn't any rum involved. I just like to mix with extra gusto which means I end up wearing quite a bit of frosting...ya know, saving it for later. I divided up my remaining frosting into 4 bowls: lime green, orange, yellow, and hot pink. For the stencil, you'll also want a metric ton of paper towels, an angled spatula, a steady hand, and the patience of a saint (I only possessed 2 out of 4 of these things). You can also gently remove the Parchment paper on top of the cake before you stencil.

Hi, please don't pay attention to that pink hot mess. It was my trial pineapple.

I was trying to figure out:

1. Do I need a LOT of frosting or a little?
2. Does swiping up or sideways work better?
3. When on vacation, should you drink a tropical beverage out of a coconut or a pineapple?

Sadly, I never really figured out the answer to any of these questions. My first pink pineapple looked more like a Rorschach test of something trying to be a pineapple. Too much frosting, only swiped left (if this were Tinder, that pineapple would get used to the swipe-left rejection). Second orange pineapple, little frosting, swiping up....somewhat better but its...pineapplyness....was still questionable. My third yellow pineapple? The only one of the bunch that turned out right. What did I do? I'm still not sure. I placed my template flush with the cake, spreading a dollop of yellow in all directions with an angled spatula, wiping the spatula clean, then coming in with green and hoping for the best before carefully peeling away the template. Definitely wipe off the template between each use as well.

I don't think I've ever held my breath longer.

But it worked, sorta!

Maybe the pineapples were angry because, 'No, Kate, we're not pink or orange in nature, so we simply can't do this.' I had two of each color pineapple around the cake, and only the yellow ones turned out properly, so nature bests me again. 

Giving me yet another reason to hate nature.

To finish, I first thanked myself for not totally ruining this pre-birthday birthday cake because at least the top pineapple was adorable, and then, I loaded my frosting into separate piping bags. I put the orange and pink bags into a large piping bag fitted with a 2D tip, and I put my yellow and green bags into another large piping bag fitted with a 2D tip. I piped out enough frosting out of both bags until the colors were coming out at the same time. Then I just piped little mounds of alternating color around the top of the cake. If I could've gotten away with only showing the top of this cake, I would have. I am so happy with how cute this turned out. The sides of the cake, however, fill me with rage. My poor husband has a hot mess of a pre-birthday birthday cake, to go along with his hot mess of a wife.

I relate to the pineapple, as I, too, am spiky on the outside but sweet on the inside.

But thankfully the tropical storms have subsided, and we can now enjoy the actual fruits of my panic-y labor. I enjoy making my husband's birthday treats each year almost as much as I enjoy Halloween baking, and that's saying something (I must be truly fond of him). He's not a huge dessert fan, but I've yet to have to hold him down to get him to eat a slice, so I think it passes his pre-birthday seal of approval.

You a fineapple, cake topper.

I'm sorry if these photos hurt your eyes because NEON! This is so bright and festive it almost makes me forget that outside is so gross, sweaty, humid, and hot that I'm 110% positive I will spontaneously combust if I spend more than 3 minutes in direct sunlight.

I am also 110% positive I would want a slice of this cake as my last meal.

I truly believe a good dessert makes most things more bearable, including living in a state that tries to kill me most days, and I am wild about the flavor combos going on here. I absolutely hate the texture of coconut, but the flavor is amazing, and this cake has plenty of it. You could definitely add coconut shavings in with the cheesecake filling if you like the feeling of eating while simultaneously brushing your teeth with fur. My personal preference is to avoid that experience if at all possible. Plus, I dig this bake exactly the way it is. Completely melt-in-your-mouth buttery pineapple cake meets coconutty, thick cheesecake filling, all finished off with a nice, slightly tart cream cheese frosting. The sweet meets tangy and tropical flavors are pretty much the cake version of a Bahama Momma. I think eating a slice while drinking one would transport you to your very own private Caribbean island. I'm gonna have to try that... 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

It's so good it almost makes me like summer. Or the idea of summer, anyway. Thank God there's no ERCOT in Florida, cause we are running the A/C like it's a track meet.