Trouble in Paradise

Ah yes, nothing like a tropical storm to remind me that it's probably cooler in hell right now than it is in Florida. Between the wildlife, weather, and drivers, a more accurate state motto would be, "Florida- just try to live here." We may have been stuck inside all weekend, but that meant there was plenty of time to bake! I wanted to make Derek's birthday cake a week early since we will be celebrating his birthday in Nashville next week. I took the opportunity to make him a super bright and fun cake because he's my super bright and fun husband. I chose a pineapple cake with coconut cheesecake filling and coconut cream cheese frosting to mark his big day. In hindsight, I realize I made an extremely big tropical cake during an extremely big tropical storm, so the irony isn't lost on me. You win again, Florida...

It's the pineapple of my eye.

My color palette for cakes this year is apparently, "Can it be brighter?" And I've taken it as a personal challenge that yes, yes it always can. This neon beauty screams summer (I also scream in the summer, but for very different reasons), and oh my it tastes exactly like summer should, too. Surprisingly, there is zero rum in this cake, but it is bursting with pineapple flavor in every bite. To me, the real star of the show is something you can't even see--the coconut cheesecake filling. Sure cake is great, but you know how to take it to a level you might call coco-nuts? Slap cheesecake between each layer. This is probably the best idea I'll have all year, so I'm hanging my hat on this. The coconut cream cheese frosting is also to die for, but c'mon, cheesecake layer. Inside a cake. And somehow, only 345 calories a slice for 8 slices total, or you could bump it down further to 276 calories a slice for 10 slices. Either way, this is a pre-birthday birthday cake, so the calories don't count in this house.

I mean, you could definitely add rum though.

The cake itself is extremely quick and easy to throw together. All you need is:

• 1 box of yellow cake mix (I used Whole Food's gluten free version)
• 1 can of pineapple juice (177 ml) (you could also use half a can plus half a cup of really good rum)
  
• 1/2 cup of unsweetened applesauce (111 grams)
• 1/4 cup of liquid egg whites or 3 egg whites (61 grams)
  

Preheat your oven to 350 and line 3 six-inch round cake pans with Parchment paper and cooking spray (you can also use 2 eight-inch rounds). Dump all cake ingredients into a stand mixer and blend on low for 30 seconds, the medium for 1-2 minutes, until everything is fully incorporated. Pour batter into prepared pans and bake for 24-26 minutes or until a toothpick comes cleanly out the center of each round.

At this point, my house smelled like a Caribbean vacation. Not gonna lie, wasn't mad about it.

Let your cakes cool in the pan on a cooling rack for 10 minutes before turning out onto the cooling rack to come to room temp before frosting. I put my rounds in the fridge while I worked on making the filling and frosting.

Jello cheesecake pudding is revolutionary. Add it to anything- your cakes, your yogurt, your heart and soul...it goes well with everything.

The filling is super simple to make, you just need:

• 1/2 a box of Jello instant cheesecake pudding mix (14 grams)
• 3/4 cup of skim or fat free milk
• 1 tsp of coconut extract
• 1 cup of Cool Whip sugar free (72 grams)

Whisk the mix, milk, and extract for 2 minutes by hand (admire your biceps; you will feel them). Place this in the fridge to firm up for 5 minutes, then whisk in the Cool Whip. Leave this in the fridge to set up while you make the frosting.

Yes, I have a set of sprinkles for literally every occasion and holiday. I may not sparkle, but damned if my baked goods don't!

I needed a crusting buttercream to make my pineapple stencil work on the sides of the cake, and even then, there was still trouble in tropical paradise. Next time, I would make my life easier by just using a cutout like I did for the top of the cake, but more on that later. To make the coconut cream cheese frosting, grab:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 the fat cream cheese at room temp (224 grams)
• 1/2 cup of light butter; I left this chilled since it is a thinner consistency (112 grams)
• 3 cups of Lakanto powdered monkfruit sweetener or powdered sugar (576 grams)
• 1.5 tsp of clear vanilla extract
• 1.5 tsp of coconut extract
• Gel dyes in lime, orange, hot pink, and yellow
• 2D piping tips
• Some annoyingly bright and chipper summertime sprinkles (I found mine at Michael's)
  
• This pineapple stencil template
  

Mix the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Add in the powdered sugar and extracts, mixing on low until things come together, then bump up to medium high until everything is well mixed. This makes a LOT of frosting. I used about 60% of it, and then had 40% leftover to maybe eat with a spoon while crying about the humidity.

In my life, there will never be enough kitchen counters for the volume of mess I make and space I take up while baking.

Now, take your cooled cakes, grab your filling, and put a little bit of frosting into a piping bag, snipping the tip (no actual piping nozzle needed). Place your first layer face down on a cake board.

Circle of life.

Now, pipe a circle of frosting around the edge of the cake, then load up the center with the cheesecake filling.

Yes, I was wearing some of the filling at this point.

Smooth this out a bit before adding your next layer and repeating the process.

Resisting the urge to start eating.

Literally sitting back to admire my handy work and/or willpower to not dive head-first into this cake.

Now, place a nice thick layer of frosting all over your cake, smoothing out as needed. Chill this for 30 minutes in the fridge, then come back and use a Viva paper towel to gently smooth out any uneven areas of frosting.

The Exact-o knife has become a critical kitchen tool.

While your frosting is chilling, go ahead and make the pineapple outline for the top of the cake. I used Parchment paper, drew a pineapple on it, and cut out the inside with my trusty Exact-o knife.

Soon, you will have sprinkles.

Gently secure this to the top of the cake, pressing in at the little grooves so the paper is flush with the top of the cake.

It was clearly pine-ing for sprinkles.

Now gently press a handful of sprinkles into the top of the cake. I took my time with this, putting in different sizes of sprinkles where it would best define the pineapple shape. Now, go put this in the FREEZER for 15 minutes while you dye your frosting. You need a very chilled cake to stencil on, or things will get sticky and hard to manage, like me after several tropical adult beverages.

...It's an honest assessment.

I was quite sticky after dying all my frosting, but there wasn't any rum involved. I just like to mix with extra gusto which means I end up wearing quite a bit of frosting...ya know, saving it for later. I divided up my remaining frosting into 4 bowls: lime green, orange, yellow, and hot pink. For the stencil, you'll also want a metric ton of paper towels, an angled spatula, a steady hand, and the patience of a saint (I only possessed 2 out of 4 of these things). You can also gently remove the Parchment paper on top of the cake before you stencil.

Hi, please don't pay attention to that pink hot mess. It was my trial pineapple.

I was trying to figure out:

1. Do I need a LOT of frosting or a little?
2. Does swiping up or sideways work better?
3. When on vacation, should you drink a tropical beverage out of a coconut or a pineapple?

Sadly, I never really figured out the answer to any of these questions. My first pink pineapple looked more like a Rorschach test of something trying to be a pineapple. Too much frosting, only swiped left (if this were Tinder, that pineapple would get used to the swipe-left rejection). Second orange pineapple, little frosting, swiping up....somewhat better but its...pineapplyness....was still questionable. My third yellow pineapple? The only one of the bunch that turned out right. What did I do? I'm still not sure. I placed my template flush with the cake, spreading a dollop of yellow in all directions with an angled spatula, wiping the spatula clean, then coming in with green and hoping for the best before carefully peeling away the template. Definitely wipe off the template between each use as well.

I don't think I've ever held my breath longer.

But it worked, sorta!

Maybe the pineapples were angry because, 'No, Kate, we're not pink or orange in nature, so we simply can't do this.' I had two of each color pineapple around the cake, and only the yellow ones turned out properly, so nature bests me again. 

Giving me yet another reason to hate nature.

To finish, I first thanked myself for not totally ruining this pre-birthday birthday cake because at least the top pineapple was adorable, and then, I loaded my frosting into separate piping bags. I put the orange and pink bags into a large piping bag fitted with a 2D tip, and I put my yellow and green bags into another large piping bag fitted with a 2D tip. I piped out enough frosting out of both bags until the colors were coming out at the same time. Then I just piped little mounds of alternating color around the top of the cake. If I could've gotten away with only showing the top of this cake, I would have. I am so happy with how cute this turned out. The sides of the cake, however, fill me with rage. My poor husband has a hot mess of a pre-birthday birthday cake, to go along with his hot mess of a wife.

I relate to the pineapple, as I, too, am spiky on the outside but sweet on the inside.

But thankfully the tropical storms have subsided, and we can now enjoy the actual fruits of my panic-y labor. I enjoy making my husband's birthday treats each year almost as much as I enjoy Halloween baking, and that's saying something (I must be truly fond of him). He's not a huge dessert fan, but I've yet to have to hold him down to get him to eat a slice, so I think it passes his pre-birthday seal of approval.

You a fineapple, cake topper.

I'm sorry if these photos hurt your eyes because NEON! This is so bright and festive it almost makes me forget that outside is so gross, sweaty, humid, and hot that I'm 110% positive I will spontaneously combust if I spend more than 3 minutes in direct sunlight.

I am also 110% positive I would want a slice of this cake as my last meal.

I truly believe a good dessert makes most things more bearable, including living in a state that tries to kill me most days, and I am wild about the flavor combos going on here. I absolutely hate the texture of coconut, but the flavor is amazing, and this cake has plenty of it. You could definitely add coconut shavings in with the cheesecake filling if you like the feeling of eating while simultaneously brushing your teeth with fur. My personal preference is to avoid that experience if at all possible. Plus, I dig this bake exactly the way it is. Completely melt-in-your-mouth buttery pineapple cake meets coconutty, thick cheesecake filling, all finished off with a nice, slightly tart cream cheese frosting. The sweet meets tangy and tropical flavors are pretty much the cake version of a Bahama Momma. I think eating a slice while drinking one would transport you to your very own private Caribbean island. I'm gonna have to try that... 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

It's so good it almost makes me like summer. Or the idea of summer, anyway. Thank God there's no ERCOT in Florida, cause we are running the A/C like it's a track meet.

Only the Finest of French Liqueurs!

Some of the best things in life are French--baguettes, laughing at other people's pain, charcuterie, I could go on for days. I also feel like some of the more classy things in life are French, the language, the wines, the cuisine...I realize this is coming from someone with a largely French heritage, but please keep in mind I watch NASCAR every Sunday, positively love McDonald's, and see no shame in eating peanut butter straight out of the jar, so I'm not exactly what you'd call "upper-crust." The only thing I consider myself to be high class in regard to is when it comes to my choice of fancy liqueurs. In particular, fancy French liqueurs. I knew my stomach and I wanted to make a cheesecake since it had been awhile, and I wanted to try another with a gelatin topper. It also had to be a boozy cheesecake topped with fruit ensconced in boozy gelatin...you know, Jello shots, but make it classy.

Even that font is pretentiously French.

Okay, I realize I say this a lot, but this is the best cheesecake I've ever made and/or eaten. For those not familiar, Chambord is a raspberry liqueur, so this cheesecake is essentially a boozy raspberry cheesecake. It is rich, but not too rich (if it were part of France's caste system, it would definitely be a cheesecake with some form of nobility), and that Chambord finish is absolute perfection. It's nice and creamy with a zing of raspberry, and the gelatin topper is pretty nifty, too. That layer also has Chambord in it, so every bite will bring forth the maximum raspberry flavor potential. To boot, the gelatin layer gives it a cute little wiggle like it's waving hello every time you take a forkful...I like a cheesecake that's polite and delicious. It's also LOW CAL! Yep, only 250 calories a slice for 8 slices total. I'm probably breaking some ancient French law by creating a decadent dessert with less than 80 pounds of cheese and fewer than 6,000 calories, but c'est la vie.

Sacrebleu, she's even using light butter.

I realize that some people are just here to enjoy my witty repartee, but for the three of you actually here because you regularly like to bake my recipes, 1. Truly, you're fabulous, and I appreciate you, and 2. I know not everyone has to be gluten free or sugar free, so I'm going to offer substitutions in my ingredients lists below. To make the crust, you'll need:

• 2 TBS (28 grams) light butter or regular butter (increase to 3 TBS if using regular Graham crackers and add 1TBS water...or dare I suggest, Chambord...)
• 2 TBS (24 grams) Lakanto classic monkfruit sweetener or regular sugar
• 1 cup (120 grams) of Kinnikinnick gluten free Graham crumbs or crushed Graham crackers
  

In a food processor, mix all these items together just until it forms a nice and crumbly paste. Preheat your oven to 375, then line an 8-inch Springform pan with Parchment paper and spray with cooking spray. Gently press your crumbs into the bottom of the pan. I don't like a huge crust up the sides of my cheesecake, so if you do, double the recipe above. I like to grease the bottom of a measuring cup and gently press it into the crumbs to make an even crust layer. Bake this for 10-15 minutes, until nice and golden (mine is usually ready around 12 minutes, but all ovens differ). Lower your oven temp to 350 and let the crust cool completely while you make your cheesecake filling.

That Chambord bottle is so out of place with these commoners.

I've tweaked my base cheesecake recipe again because I felt like using cottage cheese as a replacement for cream cheese yielded cakes that would only stay good enough to eat for the first day or two because they would get soggy. Maybe I wasn't straining my cheese for long enough, but I knew I wanted a cheesecake that wouldn't have to get thrown away (tabernac!), so I went with a new ratio of cream cheese to strained yogurt. We are several days in, and the cheesecake isn't remotely soggy, so this is how we do things now. You need:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 the fat cream cheese at room temp
• 1/2 cup (96 grams) Lakanto classic monkfruit or regular sugar
•  14 ounces (398 grams) of fat free Greek yogurt, strained* overnight. You can use any flavor you'd like--raspberry would be an EXCELLENT choice. I used Dannon Light + Fit vanilla.
• 2 ounces (1/4 cup) Chambord (if you don't want to use alcohol, try a raspberry juice concentrate)
  
• 1 tsp (12 grams) vanilla extract
• 3 eggs at room temperature
  

*Strain your yogurt overnight by placing cheesecloth or super absorbent paper towels (I use Viva) in a medium sieve. Place this over a bowl, and plop your yogurt on top of the paper towels. Cover and place in the fridge to strain. 

Double check that you've lowered your oven temp to 350. Whip the cream cheese and sugar in a stand mixer until fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add in the yogurt, mixing on medium-high until incorporated. Add in the Chambord and extract, giving a good mix. Now, add each egg, one at a time, while mixing on low speed to prevent air bubbles from forming that can crack your cheesecake during baking. Once all eggs have been added, set your batter aside and prepare your pan for a water bath.

This prevents the dreaded soggy bottom during bathing.

I take three large sheets of foil, overlapping, and fold it over the sides of my pan. Then I take TWO crockpot liners and double bag this...I used to only use one bag, but these liners just aren't as sturdy as they used to be. It never fails water will get in the first bag, but not the second.

I will do anything to keep my cheesecake safe.

Now, pour your batter in the pan. Place your Springform pan into a large roasting pan, and fill this up with 4-6 cups of STEAMING HOT water. The bath also helps prevent cracks in the cheesecake and allows for more even cooking. Bake your cheesecake at 350 for 1 hour and 20 minutes. There should still be some jiggle at the center of the cheesecake, but the sides should be set. Turn the oven off at this point, crack the door, and let the cheesecake finish baking for 1 additional hour.

Big old fat BONJOUR! to the most beautiful cheesecake I've ever pulled out of the oven.

After, let your cheesecake rest on a cooling rack until it comes to room temp. I like to run a sharp knife around the edges of the pan at this point, then I cover with plastic wrap and place in the fridge to set overnight. I would give it at least 4 hours before you put your gelatin layer on top.

More Chambord! Lord!

The gelatin layer isn't difficult to make, it's the timing part that becomes a real pain in the derrière. More on that later. You need:

• 3/4 cup of soda water, tonic water, regular water, sparkling wine, sparkling fruit juice, your choice. I used Zevia calorie-free tonic water.
• 1/4 cup of Chambord
• 0.25 oz of gelatin (one packet)
• 1 cup of water
• 2 TBS (24 grams) Lakanto classic monkfruit or sugar

You can play around with the liquids here. Next time I'd use more booze, maybe 50:50 tonic to liqueur. It does "bake out" some when you boil it, so the flavor is more mellow. Start by placing 1/2 cup of the tonic in a large bowl and sprinkle a packet of gelatin on top. Let this rest for 5 minutes while you bring your remaining 1/4 cup tonic, 1/4 cup Chambord, and 1 cup of water to a boil in a medium saucepan. Once boiling, add the sugar and whisk until dissolved. Now, carefully pour this on top of the bowl with the gelatin. Whisk until no lumps remain, then pour into an 8x8 pan and place in the fridge to start to set. Give this a stir every 10 minutes or so. Once it starts to thicken, it'll be ready to pour on top of your cheesecake. It took 35-40 minutes for me. I pulled out of the fridge at 40, and it was starting to get clumpy and a little difficult to work with. I wish I had pulled it out at 35 minutes, so keep a close eye on it while you layer your cheesecake with fruit.

This started with so much promise.

I just used blackberries and raspberries to make little concentric circles. I pressed my fruit in the top of my cheesecake firmly, but my raspberries were not heavy enough to keep from floating away when I added the gelatin on top. My blackberries were HUGE, so the gelatin layer didn't cover them completely either. Should have cut them in half. I was SUPER frustrated to watch the actual fruits of my labor go floating away during the final step of this cheesecake. But, when in Paris, do as the Parisienne's do, complain about it and then take a nap.

Pardon my French, but damn this got messy!

I used an acetate collar to keep the gelatin from making its way down the sides of my cheesecake. I always like to place this on a baking sheet in case things go really, really wrong, and then my whole counter isn't covered in boozy, sticky Jello. I placed my gelatin into a liquid measuring cup to slowly pour it on top of the cheesecake, but it was so viscous that it turned into a flood situation for my poor little fruit circles...away they floated, leaving me with what you see above. Again, if I had pulled it out of the fridge when it was more like a hot syrup consistency and not cold syrup consistency, my fruit would've stood a better chance of, well, standing in place. Once you've topped your cheesecake with the gelatin, return to the fridge to set for 3-4 hours. Then you can run a knife around the edge of the acetate sheet, gently remove, and take the cheesecake out of the Springform pan for final plating.

I mean, it still looks bougie enough to eat.

And a slice on its own is a real showstopper, merci beaucoup!

Considering the taste, I have no regrets!

I mean, super French Frenchy Napoleon Bonaparte did once say, "Victory belongs to the most persevering," and I feel like the gelatin layer took me to battle, but I soldiered on. Did Chambord exist during Napoleon's days? I feel like he would've drank that stuff out of a gold chalice while mocking, well, everyone else for not being as French as him. Anyway, I am here to reassure you that janky fruit layer aside, this is a cheesecake that will change your life. It is the right mix of tart raspberry, creamy vanilla, and a lovely buttery crust. The fresh fruit on top mixed in that boozy gelatin is so, so dreamy, and it was worth every minute of work to make this beauty. I'm not even finished with this cheesecake yet, and I'm already planning on putting it back into the rotation for dessert again next month. I might even try adding in a raspberry puree plus Chambord swirl...big ideas for big desserts. Consider me the Marie Antoinette of baking because I just wanna let everyone eat (cheese)cake. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

This cheesecake is definitely a dessert revolution, Marie.