Coping with Summer, the Cake Edition.

If there is one thing I actually do enjoy about living in Florida, it is having Publix grocery stores. More specifically, Publix grocery stores' watermelon. I'm not sure if they're injecting it with pure cane sugar, unicorn tears, or drugs, but the stuff is absolutely magical and without a doubt the best tasting watermelon I've ever eaten, every time. I'm leaning towards the drug hypothesis because it would explain every "Florida Man" headline you see in the press and the sense of euphoria I feel while eating it. I eat a lot of fruit to satisfy my sweet tooth...there's no way I could remain in shape if I grabbed a donut to curb my sugar cravings as often as I do chunks of watermelon, bananas, mango, or grapes. But since I'm a fat kid at heart, I saw this Delish video making the rounds on Facebook. A giant cake in the shape of a watermelon?! Eating my fruits and cakes at the same time?! I must have been high on Publix watermelon because I totally went for it, in an ode to summer (or my inability to cope with it), I present the cake edition of everyone's favorite melon (sorry, honey dew):

I'm not sure if my mouth is watering for cake or melon. Does it matter?

Now, the Delish recipe used TWO cake mixes, all of the calories (I do not exaggerate--16 servings for 750 calories a piece), and maybe was meant for sharing (Share cake? What are we? Peasants?). I wanted to scale this cake down to a reasonable size and weight--I did not need it to be as heavy as an actual watermelon, and I also did not need to feed an army, just my husband and my insatiable dessert stomach. I also live in a region of the country where less still feels like more when it comes to clothing in the summer time, so keeping exposed flesh in mind, I opted to make this as low cal as I could while also still being decadent cakey goodness. Sadly, not as low calorie as a slice of *real* watermelon or one of those "looks like a frosted cake but is just an actual watermelon hiding under whipped cream" creations (the horror), but this three-tiered, 6-inch round cake makes 12 servings for only 383 calories a slice. A tall order of buttercream, chocolate chips, and red velvet cake that tastes so amazing, I don't even mind the humidity sweats. Coping with summer, the cake edition!

Four ingredients for an entire cake!

 I'm usually not a huge fan of red velvet cakes because they are dense, like a brick in the stomach (meat is the only food that should be heavy- I am a Texan after all). I do love the flavor though, so I wanted to try lightening up the typical just-ate-a-bowling-ball feeling that comes with a standard red velvet cake. You could also use a white cake and dye it red to make your watermelon cake (and add in sugar free watermelon Jello for maximum melon cake), but I knew I was going to need a lot of dye to decorate, and didn't want anything to taste funky like it does when you use too much dye, so I went with a cake that didn't need any extra gel dye. I used:

• A super moist red velvet cake mix so things didn't taste to dry or heavy
• 2 egg whites
• 10 ounces of diet creme soda
• 5 ounces of mini chocolate chips because this is a watermelon cake and watermelon cakes should also have seeds. Delicious, edible chocolate seeds.

 Without heavy oils, butters, or buttermilk, this exponentially helped make a springy, lighter version of a red velvet cake that still tasted perfect. Start by preheating the oven according to package directions and preparing three 6-inch round pans with cooking spray. Blend the cake mix, soda, and egg whites together for 2 minutes on medium high. Place the mini chocolate chips in a bag with a tablespoon of flour and coat so they won't sink in the batter. Stir in the mini chocolate chips by hand. Evenly distribute your batter in the prepared pans (don't forget the bake even strips!!) and bake for 25-28 minutes at 350. Let cool on a cooling rack in the pans for 10 minutes once done in the oven, then turn out on the cooling rack to cool completely. I froze my cakes overnight in plastic wrap so I wouldn't have to crumb coat my cake and worry about bits of red velvet poking out of my frosting. Level your cakes before freezing!

Oh yes, look at that "seed" distribution.

My bake even strips work miracles, so I only barely had one cake top to level. I needed to eat the scraps to ensure I had made a tasty cake, you see. Research...

Look, let's not pretend we're surprised my vodka is in a skull bottle. I am weird. I am macabre. I am Wednesday Addams.

 Yeah, this seems like the world's weirdest grocery list, but to make the watermelon cake happen, it's worth it. For the frosting, you'll need:

• 1 cup of butter at room temp
• 3 cups of Swerve confectioner's sugar
• 2 cups of regular powdered sugar
• 1 TBS clear vanilla
• 1 tsp almond extract
• 5 TBS skim milk
• New, unused sponge
• Some vodka (for decorating or drinking)
• Green, yellow, and red gel dyes
• Black jelly beans, chocolate covered-raisins, or more mini chocolate chips (I used 1/2 TBS of the mini chips to make "seeds" on top of my cake because my husband is averse to black jelly beans. My mother and I just might be the only people in the world that seek them out on purpose. Yum.)

 Start by creaming the butter until fluffy, 2-3 minutes. Then add in the 3 cups of Swerve, almond extract, vanilla, and 2 TBS of skim milk. Blend well, then add in the 2 cups of regular powdered sugar and 3 TBS of skim milk. I like to use real powdered sugar mixed with the Swerve because it prevents the frosting from tasting grainy or give off a weird cooling effect that Swerve can have in large quantities. Swerve also masks the extracts, so definitely use a ratio of real powdered sugar to Swerve. I love this almond buttercream recipe, and it is the perfect flavor to go with the red velvet. To paint on frosting, you need a crusting buttercream, so this is why I didn't go with a traditional cream cheese frosting on my red velvet cake.

So not red enough...

 Split your frosting in half. Dye half red, and leave the other half white. I ran out of red gel dye and had no black dye, so I totally didn't get to achieve a deep enough red to match my red velvet cake. Thankfully, this is the inside of the cake. And when it comes to cake, what's on the outside is really what matters. Cake, a dessert for vain people! Prepare a cake board and place one layer, top face down, on the board. By placing the cake so the bottom is on top, you've got a totally flat surface to start stacking on. I put my red frosting into a large piping back with a large round tip (#12) and piped a thick layer of frosting on top of the cake.

I used an angled spatula to even things out Before stacking another layer on top...

Like a Red Velvet Oreo. Repeat for the final layer:

It will at least be as tall as a real watermelon.

Now, place into the freezer for 30 minutes to let the red frosting crust up so it won't bleed through later. I used this time to load up another large piping bag with my white frosting and a cake icer decorating tip. I've literally had it since the day I decided to start baking/blogging 4 years ago and have used it exactly no times. I forgot I had it, and as it turns out, it's literally the greatest piping tool to ever exist. I would probably be light years ahead of myself in skill and precision if I had been frosting my cakes with it since 2014. I'm too proud to express the level of shame I feel over this, so let's skim right over to a crappy photo montage!

Experiencing yet another new Shame Level: using a Philadelphia Eagles cup to load my frosting bag as a gentle reminder that they smoked my team in the playoffs. Skol one for sadness, Minnesota Vikings.

In approximately two to three seconds, I used the icer tip to pipe flat layers of frosting all around my cake while slowly rotating the turn table it was on. I used a large angled spatula and a bench scraper to completely smooth my sides. Five minutes, tops, to achieve damn near perfection.

Now, using another round #12 tip, pipe a circle of white frosting around the very top layer of cake. This creates the rind of the watermelon. Stick your cake in the freezer for 15 minutes to let this set up. Then you can come back in and smooth out any uneven edges on the sides of your cake with a Viva paper towel since this is a crusting buttercream recipe. But really, all flaws will get hidden when you paint the cake in a moment.

Take the very last of the red frosting (I actually had quite a bit leftover) and fill in the top of the cake.

Use an angled spatula to smooth out, blending in the edges with the white rind very gently to give it a natural look.

Add in whatever you're using to make your watermelon seeds on top of your cake. Press in gently.

Now, to paint on your cake, you want that bad boy FROZEN. Like, colder than my heart. So let it sit in the freezer for at least 90 minutes. I watched Shark Week episodes on DVR, and my love of both cameraman Andy Casagrande and Great White Sharks passed the time super quickly. I live every week like it's Shark Week!

And now I have a set of baking sponges! That's a thing, right? It is now.

 I took a sponge and cut it into small squares. Small enough that I could roll them in half and easily hold them (Think mini taco or flauta. Sorry, I'm super Texan today). Then I took a teaspoon of yellow gel dye, dumped it in a bowl and mixed it with a tablespoon of vodka (don't worry, the flavor completely evaporates). I repeated in a second bowl with green gel dye. Wearing gloves (unless you're super into dying your hands green or playing the Grinch in an upcoming community theater performance), take one sponge, dip it in the green dye mix, squeeze out any excess, and paint uneven lines on the side of the frozen cake:

This was one pass with a sponge.

 I did all my green lines for my watermelon first, then I came in with a new sponge and yellow dye mix. Once I had all my cake covered, I came back in in various spots, blending the yellow and green together all over, making the green darker in some places, the yellow darker in others, etc. to give the random appearance of the outside of a watermelon:

It was suuuuper messy.

 But it was also a ton of fun to do--watermelon rinds aren't precise at all, so have a blast painting it how your heart desires. Clean up your cake board before removing your gloves, then set into the fridge to let the vodka evaporate and the dye settle for a few hours.

In hindsight, Florida's humidity levels make sponge painting a cake a dangerous game.

Thankfully, since this cake is living in the fridge, the humidity doesn't make the dye sweat and bleed all over the place.

Suck it, summer!

 If you live in an environment where the humidity level is less than "let's make the windows cry," you could probably leave this in a cake safe at room temp. I am so happy with how cute this cake turned out, and I am excited that I learned quite a few new skills thanks to this cake. I had no idea how breezy it was to frost a cake with that icer tip and that painting buttercream is totally a thing you can do without being a Level 99 Cake Wizard. Watercolor cakes, here I come...

Plus, the eating it part is a lot of fun, too.

 While my red frosting was more of a sunburned pink that didn't match the cake's color, it was still obviously a watermelon on the outside at least. I'm calling it a victory, which is exactly what I needed after a week that pretty much beat me up and took my lunch money every day. I was reminded very much so of the happiness baking and decorating cake gives me; creating something out of nothing is a satisfying feeling. I then realized my stress and anxiety levels hadn't been kept in check without my hobby to occupy me--it had been a full MONTH since I baked a cake (there was this Butterfinger pie though that I'm still dreaming about). As a result, I've made it a priority to bake and decorate one awesome cake a month--because cake is so much cheaper than therapy or running away to Canada. I'm also not sure, but I highly doubt a therapist wants you eating cake for half of a session, and I know TSA would take it and eat it, so there's that, too. And this cake is simply way too delicious to give up. The fact that it's also positively adorable (but not too adorable to be safe from my sweet tooth) would brighten up even the grumpiest of grumps (Hi.). 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

All the vibes of a real watermelon, but without any of the nutritional benefits!