Anniversary...Pie?

In my family, we believe pie doesn't get a fair shake. In my family, we believe in "breakfast pie" and "lunch pie" (these are exactly what they sound like). In my family, our crest reads: "Why, yes, I will have dessert with that." In my family, surprisingly not a one of us is morbidly obese. This could be because we get so jazzed at the thought of dessert that our whole bodies vibrate with excitement, shedding pounds and making room. In my case specifically it is more likely the 25 total miles a week worth of dog walks saddled with Jillian Michaels workouts keep me trim, but this isn't a fitness blog. This is a dessert blog dedicated to the lesser-appreciated of desserts: the pie. Derek and I celebrated our third fancy church wedding anniversary last Tuesday, and I wanted to make us a fantastic pie to celebrate (read: it simply took us so long to finish all those damn Easter egg pops that I didn't bake until Monday). I'd be a big, not-so-fat (thanks, Jillian!) liar if I didn't disclose that. However fortuitous that situation turned out to be, we've been dining on a delectable cookies and cream Oreo pie for the past few days. Yes, lunch pie was had- but I've yet to convince my husband pie is an acceptable replacement for pastries or donuts when it comes to breakfast. Give it another year.

He'll come around. I mean, just look at this beauty.

This pie was adapted from a Kraft recipe, and it is as easy to make as it is to eat, which I happen to really enjoy considering I'm still cleaning up sanding sugar from those Easter pops I made a week and a half ago. You could make it even easier by purchasing a premade Oreo pie crust, and just tell your family to deal with the fact that even you need to phone it in sometimes. We can't all devote our lives to making desserts, sadly.

TWO tubs of Cool Whip? Yeah, you're gonna like where this is headed.

The ingredient list is pretty simple, and if you keep a bushel of Oreos around like I do, you're already ahead of the game. Here's the breakdown:

• One package of your favorite Oreo flavor (I did a mix of Double Stuff and Mint)
• One 8 ounce block of cream cheese (you could use light, but what's the point, really?) at room temp
• 1/4 cup of melted butter
• Two 8 ounce tubs of Cool Whip
• 1/3 cup of sugar

Yeah, short, sweet, and to the delicious point. You're going to start by making your crust if you're not using a premade Oreo crust. I will tell you that making your own crust will be about a thousand times easier if you own a food processor. I do not own a food processor; what I do own is an amount of fury and sheer determination inside of me that could part the seas. And a rolling pin. An unstoppable combination.

Get ready to release the rage.

Start by taking 26 Oreos (I used all Double Stuff for my crust) and plop them into a bag. Do not scrape out the filling- it works like a glue with the butter later. Beat this bag with your rolling pin until you're left with mostly Oreo dust. I ended up puncturing a hole in my bag, and when I flipped it over to beat the other side, Oreo crumbs went flying, and Hank went 'a huntin. I placed that bag into a second bag, but the same thing happened again. I wasn't kidding about the fury and determination. The rage slowly builds when you live somewhere that regularly smells like poop.

Ziplocks aren't what they used to be.

Also, you don't have to get very many dishes dirty to make this pie, which is the best gift of all.

You may not be able to get the finest crumbs when you don't have a food processor, but when the large chunks of "stuff" in your pie turn out to be Oreos, no one's gonna complain. Mix your melted butter together with the Oreo crumbs in a bowl until everything is coated in buttery goodness. Then dump it in to a pie plate.

It may not be as pretty as a premade crust, but I did burn some more calories pummeling Oreos with a rolling pin for five minutes.

To help smooth things out and break up any larger pieces of Oreos, use a small glass to roll out your crust into your pie pan. You do want the crust to come most of the way up the side of the pie pan. Refrigerate your pie crust while you mix together the pie filling. I left my crust in the fridge for about an hour because I was busy doing other important things like vacuuming my blinds and wondering if I should just Super Glue my windows shut to keep the dirt out.

Oreo dirt I'm okay with.

To prepare your filling, take ten Oreos and chop each one into about six little pieces. I wanted a hint of mint in the pie, so I used five mint Oreos and five Double Stuff. One package of Oreos will yield enough to make your pie crust and pie filling, just FYI. I honestly wasn't sure if it would AND have enough left over to decorate, which was another reason I went all mix and match with my cookies. Now I know I worried for nothing, but this is precisely how I live my entire life.

Nothing says love quite like not eating all the pie filling before you can share it with your spouse.

While chopping Oreos, drop your block of cream cheese and the 1/3 cup of sugar into your mixer and whip it for about 4 minutes until everything looks super fluffy and wonderful. Then on very, very low or by hand, mix in one tub of Cool Whip and your chopped cookies. You're almost done...delightfully quick, and with plenty of time to finish cleaning those pesky ass blinds.

Take your mix and spread it on to your pie crust.

I used a large plastic spatula to meticulously smooth out the pie filling because I am a crazy person. This isn't a necessary step unless you're also OCD. I wiped off the edges of my pie dish also. Whew. Wish I would've taken a picture of that instead...Now, you don't HAVE to decorate your pie, but you really should. Especially if you phoned it in with the crust. You owe it to your loved ones.

So take the other tub of Cool Whip and stir it with your spatula until smooth. Load it up into a piping bag fitted with a 1M tip. Have some extra Oreos standing by to garnish.

I just swirled little rosey circles with my piping bag around the entire pie. Super simple- just start in the middle and swirl your way around til you form a complete circle.

Then I came back in and piped little stars in between each rosey circle to cover up the space left outside each circle. Just press your tip in the empty space, fill, and quickly pull away.

You can see the different between the empty space on the left and the star on the right. Much cuter.

Add circles and stars (no room for hearts, clovers, horseshoes, or balloons, sorry, Lucky) around your entire pie.

And finish off with some Oreo garnish!

I chopped three Oreos in half and placed them in the center of my pie, and I finished by filling in the center with the last of my Cool Whip in my piping bag and cooling the pie in the fridge overnight (cool for at least two hours before serving so it can set). This pie ended up looking so fancy it could've come out of a box, and I had Oreos leftover to snack on- double win. D and I had an absolutely fantastic anniversary; we feasted like royalty on pie and ate so much dinner I was actually still full when I woke up the next day...I've never skipped breakfast in my life though, so I soldiered through it with thoughts of breakfast pie. While I may not be overtly romantic or gushy, I do know the way to a man's heart is through delicious food, and my husband is reminded with each and every meal and dessert that his wife loves him and may or may not be trying to fatten him up so she can finally be the skinny one in the relationship. Lifelong relationship goals, people. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Pie- for those moments when words alone cannot express your love.