Pina Colada Paradise

It's July, and it's so hot and humid outside here, walking feels more like wading through syrup. By about 11 a.m., it's too gross to even use the pool (think warm bathwater), and that makes me sweaty and upsetty. I know when people think 'Florida!,' it's usually palm trees, beaches, and umbrella drinks. The actuality is it's gridlocked traffic, oppressive humidity, and a laundry list of things actively trying to kill you (see: hurricanes, sink holes, alligators, and other Floridians). I needed to find a way to cope with the temps, fast. Since my body handles heat with the same level of fortitude as a Popsicle sitting in the sun, I knew this was a job for cupcakes. Specifically, Piña Colada cupcakes full of rum, coconut, and pineapple.

They're so adorable, I *almost* forget how miserable it is outside.

Why not just drink a Piña Colada, you ask? If I have more than one frozen cocktail in a 24-hour span, I will get a brain-freeze + hangover combo for the ages (your 30s are a magical time to be alive). However, I do like Piña Coladas, and I'd be thrilled about getting caught in the rain if it meant heat relief, so I crafted up these little cuties meant to look like bite-sized pineapples (what, you can't fit an entire cupcake in your mouth at once?). I somehow managed to cram them FULL of rum and still have them amount to a mere 210 calories per cupcake for 24 cupcakes. I'll have you know a frozen Piña Colada runs anywhere from 475-650 calories, so by comparison, I can eat like two or three of these with no guilt or hangover. Adulting win!
 

They also only take two hours to make, start to completely finished and in my stomach.

Since I took 72 hours to make my last cake and it was no one's birthday this week, I wanted an extremely easy dessert I could whip up in a moment while I awaited Hurricane Barry's potential arrival. He may have missed us, but I did not miss the mark with these cupcakes. To make, you'll need:

•  1 white cake mix
• 3 egg whites
• 1/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1/2 cup of canned pineapple juice
• 3/4 cup of Malibu coconut rum
• 1 tsp coconut extract
• 8 ounces of crushed pineapple, drained (you can use the juice for the ingredient above as well) 
• Optional: coconut flakes...I skip this since coconut flakes give me a "let's eat floss" texture to food

 Preheat your oven to 350 and line two muffin trays with cupcake liners. Mix together cake mix, whites, applesauce, pineapple juice, rum, and extract for 2 minutes on medium high. Fold in the crushed pineapple by hand.

Drink more rum as needed.

I used a cookie scoop and placed two scoops of batter into each cupcake liner. I baked these for 20 minutes, until they had a nice white but slightly golden top. Place your trays on top of cooling racks and let cool for 10 minutes, until you can handle the pan by touch.

This is so, so very close to the same color as my pale, fragile body.

 Remove from the pans and let finish cooling on the racks while you make your frosting and chocolate pineapple toppers.

Not gonna lie, I'm running super low on rum now.

This coconut cream cheese frosting is absolutely to DIE for...and not a heatstroke related death due to the fiery inferno happening outside, but a total bliss, so happy you died from deliciousness related death. To make, you need:

• 8 ounces of 1/3 less fat cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 cup of butter, softened
• 2 cups of Swerve confectioners
• 2 cups of powdered sugar
• 1 TBS coconut extract
• 1-2 TBS of Malibu coconut rum
• Yellow gel dye
• Feel free to top these with pineapple chunks, cherries, coconut flakes, whatever Piña Colada drink garnishes you like. I, however, wanted to turn these bad boys into tiny little pineapples...more on how to do that in a moment.

Mix together the cream cheese and butter for 1-2 minutes until well combined. Then add 2 cups of Swerve and the coconut extract, blending well. Add in the 2 cups of powdered sugar, 1 TBS of rum, and yellow gel dye. Blend well. If you want a stiff piping consistency, DO NOT add more rum. Full disclosure, I made these back in May and added 3 total TBS of rum to my frosting, and it was way too runny to pipe with, so I just smattered them in frosting and ate them anyway. I knew I wanted to share this recipe because it was way too good not to, and I was most definitely ready to eat them again based on taste memory alone, so, here we are.

I promise they get cuter.

Fill a piping bag fitted with a large open circle tip (I used a Wilton #12). Place the rest of the frosting into the fridge to stay firm...cream cheese frosting is delicious, but much like me, it does not stand up to any amount of warmth. Pipe a large mound of frosting onto the center of each completely cooled cupcake.

Now we're getting there.

Once you've done this for all 24 cupcakes, load the rest of your frosting into another piping bag fitted with an open star tip (I used a Wilton #32). Starting at the bottom of the large mound of frosting, pipe little pokey stars by applying pressure to the bag and pulling straight up and away quickly. Go all the way around the bottom of the mound, then work your way up one level at a time. I had about 3-4 levels of stars on each cupcake. If you're finding that your frosting is getting too runny due to the heat from your hand, put the bag into the fridge for 30 minutes to firm back up.

A field of blonde hedgehogs...

Put your hedgehogs/pineapples into the fridge so the frosting stays firm, and now get to work on those pineapple tops. No one wants a topless cupcake. I used 1/3 of a bag of green chocolate melts, melted according to package directions and placed into a piping bag with a #5 round tip. I let this sit for a minute so I wouldn't burn my hand off piping hot chocolate.

Pictured: the hellfire flames of Florida summer. Or pineapple tops.

I free-handed about 30 little pineapple tops onto a sheet of wax paper with a Sharpie while my chocolate cooled. I'm no artist when it comes to drawing, so use a template if you're feeling antsy. I flipped over my wax paper so it was Sharpie-side down.

I just didn't want them to accidentally look like pot..

I piped about 4 toppers at a time, tracing the outside lines and flooding the inside. I came back in with an angled spatula and spread the chocolate out evenly. I used the tip of the spatula to drag chocolate out and create the pointy ends of the leaves.

Plenty leftover to eat...

I ended up with way more leaf toppers than I needed, but, they were yummy after a "hard" hour and a half of baking...Let your leaf toppers set up for 30 minutes before gently peeling off the wax paper and placing into the top of each cupcake.

Full cuteness: achieved.

 These are as delicious as they are summery (in a good way, not a sweaty one). The rum and the pineapple mixing with the coconut is sheer perfection. The coconut cream cheese, well, it's life changing. DEFINITELY keep these in the fridge to ensure your frosting stays nice and firm. We all know it's hot, but we don't need a runny, dripping cupcake on the counter to remind us just *how* hot it is this summer. I've made these twice, and both times I have enjoyed the flavor tribute to summer. They take me away to a Piña Colada paradise, where the temp is a balmy 72, the pool never feels like warm bathwater, and humidity is absolutely nonexistent (my hair always looks so good in Piña Colada paradise). I'm glad I still have several evenings worth of this paradise awaiting in the fridge, because I might actually burst into flame if I didn't, so, in your face, Florida. 'Til next time, my fellow eaters!

Can't you just hear the Jimmy Buffet music?